My great cheapskate scam

fishing lines

THE angling papers this week feature just the thing for that awkward space over the mantelpiece - a world record 133lb 4oz, 9ft conger eel. Caught in Devon by the boat skipper Vic Evans, the conger resides at Brixham Sea Angling Club rather than in Vic's front room. Funny, that. I suspect his wife had more than a little influence in deciding the final resting place.

I would be delighted to give a giant fish pride of place, especially if I had caught it. However, I'm on a yellow card not to import any more cased fish, antique or otherwise, into our house. It's true that a 9ft case might be excessive, but most anglers would be delighted with an antique trout, perch or roach as a Christmas present. Trouble is, they cost at least pounds 200. Indeed, most worthwhile presents for anglers seem to require a substantial outlay. But here are a few ways to give presents that won't cost a thing.

Cased fish, surprisingly, offer an excellent opportunity in this area. Every fisherman dreams of catching a trophy fish, but very few do. All you have to do is contact a taxidermist. Tell him you want a fish stuffed. Though it hasn't been caught yet, you say you will pay for it as soon as it is. Could he write out, on headed paper, a note to the effect that the taxidermist has been commissioned for that really big one?

The chances of your lover, admirer or husband landing a suitable specimen are remote. If by chance it happens and you're on the riverbank at the time, you can make a mess of the netting. But even if he brings the fish home you can slip the taxidermist a few pounds to invent a serious wasting disease that meant the skin was unworkable.

You can extend this principle to other areas. If he is keen on antique tackle, you can let loose at one of the specialist auctions. The secret to spending nothing, however, is to specify something you would like him to get, and set your outlay just below the level at which it will sell. For example, you say that you are impressed by the craftsmanship of Hardy's The Field reels, made between 1879 and 1907. While sounding very generous, a figure of pounds 200, including commission, will ensure he will never quite have enough to buy one.

This is an extra good present because he will have the fun of attending auctions and almost buying what he wants. But you must make it very clear that he must not return with a telescopic gaff, an old wicker creel or a landing net in lieu otherwise the gift can actually cost you.

My last suggestion is even better value. Each year the Atlantic Salmon Trust publishes a catalogue of more than 200 lots for postal auction. Enter the winning bid and you get the chance to fish ultra-exclusive stretches of rivers like the Test, Itchen, Dee, Tay and Tweed. Estimated winning bids range from pounds 50 to more than pounds 2,500.

Those marked with an asterisk in the catalogue generally make well over the estimate price. Bid for one of these lots - say, a week on Iceland's legendary River Thvera, including return flights. The estimate is pounds 2,500 so you put in a bid for exactly that. You'll never get it, but your husband won't know. He will be overwhelmed that you're willing to spend that amount on him - without your spending a thing.

You may feel this is a cheapskate approach. Well, you could try the advice I gave to a friend's wife. She bought him a weight-making kit and a hundredweight of lead. This should have been a brilliantly cheap idea to keep him at home more. The trouble was, he put his back out trying to lift the box from under the Christmas tree and spent two months off work. It doesn't pay to skimp on presents for anglers. Have a good Christmas.

l Free catalogues from Atlantic Salmon Trust, Pitlochry, Perthshire, PH16 5JQ. Tel: 01796 473439.