A pinch and a punch, it’s the first of the month! In case you’d forgotten, it’s April Fool’s Day and you might find yourself being caught out by some fake news stories today, making an absolute fool of yourself in front of your friends. Never fear students, here are some of the major "headlines" to keep an eye out for.
Thatcher statue to be erected in the centre of the University of Sussex
Renowned for being one of the most lefty universities in the country, Sussex’s student newspaper The Badger has published an article by "Lord Earl Grey" announcing that a 13-foot statue of Margaret Thatcher will be unveiled in the university’s main square. They have even gone so far to say that it will be cast in fool’s gold and acquired quotes from a variety of students, claiming that “finally with Thatcher, we’ve found a figure that everyone can rally around. This just wasn’t the case with the previous suggestions – in fact we struggled to find a single Marxist sympathizer at the university,” - clearly a hilarious claim after the nearly endless Marxist protests at Sussex.
Prince Harry to read History of Art from September
A perhaps slightly more believable piece from York Vision insists that Prince Harry will be doing a part-time Masters degree, with this news being confirmed by the royal household. Students are said to be outraged that a student “with such poor A-level grades” is allowed to study at such a prestigious university. Apparently Prince Harry is yet to comment publicly…
Students sell organs to pay fees
The LSE's Beaver newspaper has reported that students are having to sell body parts in order to keep up with rising tuition fees. Two alleged students, Bernadette Lagging and Peter Ian Staker, uncovered new layers to the story, like students who'd "signed up" to the organist society because of their love of classical music, only to find it was something very different. They even managed to get a jab in at one of their neighbours. “It’s been hard but the money has made a significant difference. After all, without it I might have had to transfer to King’s…”
University plans to clone Richard III
The Ripple in Leicester has actually managed to fool some of its students with its scientific jargon on the cloning of Richard III. With extensive explanations from PhD students, the former King of England is apparently to be brought back to life within the next three years. They do make it clear that Richard has not yet given his permission for this to happen, so there are serious ethics to this project which must be taken into consideration.
Outrage as Exeter College to charge for oxygen use
Students at the University of Oxford haven’t held back with their April Fool’s prank. One of the colleges is going to be charging students £100 a year for the use of the university’s oxygen - after all only the best air is adequate for Oxford students. Those who fail to pay the charge will be provided with gas masks to ensure they do not breathe the same air as those who have paid, in a move condemned by the university’s Labour Club as “discrimination based on wealth”. With students Ben Dover and Stan Dupp leading the protests, students will not let this act pass. Mainly because it’s not real.
Random drug tests to be introduced before exams
The Leeds Tab has reported that Leeds University will begin a screening process for all students before exams to detect study drugs Modafinil and Ritalin to crack down on cheaters. And with fake concerns of students taking concentration enhancing drugs with ‘photographic evidence’, this article has really gone for it. However The Tab has been kinder than most, at least reminding readers at the bottom to “check the date guys…”
University to honour JK Rowling in musical tribute 24/7
The University of Exeter is said to be making a tribute to one of its most successful graduates, Harry Potter author JK Rowling, by playing the theme to Harry Potter on a continuous loop throughout campus, according to Exepose. With concerns of overplaying the John Williams score, the Students’ Guild has therefore chosen various sound clips from the films to be played in different areas of the campus. “The sound of the Dementors will be played in all revision rooms, whilst Quidditch cheering will be heard in the Sports Park.”