Presenting a few humble ideas to fill those long, cold summer months. Warning: do not take this advice seriously

So here it is. You’ve got a long summer stretching out in front of you with nothing to do. September is a long way off and you should probably do something nice and productive with the next three months or so. Probably. Alternatively, you could try any of our helpful suggestions. Warning – your mum might have a nervous breakdown if you do any of this instead of something productive.

Why do a work placement when you could go on the dole?

Ok, we might not actually have done our research here. You’ll notice this is a common theme throughout the rest of this article. But we’ve heard of people going on the dole in the summer break, so it must be possible. And it beats the rewards of hard work...

Why watch an arthouse film when you could watch Jeremy Kyle?

Sure, the film might give you some serious cultural points when you go back to uni, but what could be more representative of modern culture than a spot of Jezza K?

Why start blogging when you could tweet about Jeremy Kyle?

See above. #JeremyKyle trends in the UK pretty much every day at about 10am, so you should get involved. Not only will you be providing a running social commentary - kind of - but you’ll also be joining a whole community of other students sitting in their pants on their holidays.

Why go to a festival when you could sit at home, watching the footage on TV and cry over your dwindling bank balance?

Festivals have become big business, and they’re not cheap. By the time you factor in travel costs, tent purchase, food and drink and the 20 quid that you will lose when drunk on the first night all on top of the basic cost of your ticket, you’re looking at one expensive weekend. It might just be best if you put a tent up in your back garden and get someone to play loud music half a mile away until 5am.

Why hang out at the beach with your mates when you could sleep in until 2pm?

The beach is totes overrated. If it’s sunny, it will be full of screaming children; if it’s raining, you will actually have the worst time ever. Either way, you’ll find sand in places that you didn’t know sand could reach for weeks afterwards.

Why sell your belongings on eBay to make some extra cash when you could buy things on eBay?

OMG, you can get a second-hand Clueless DVD for £1.99 on here! *adds to basket*

Why get fit when you could eat ice cream and drink Pimm's?

Summer is not about running outside and dripping in sweat. Summer is about drinking Pimm's while wondering how much of your five-a-day the booze-soaked fruit in swimming at the bottom counts as.

Why learn a new skill when you could just accept that you are mediocre at a few things already? There’s only so mediocre one person can be.

You could learn the guitar... You could form a band... No. You could not. You will never make it in music. Step away from the sheet music my friend.

Why customise some old clothes when they will inevitably look crap?

I once sewed an array of buttons on the shoulders of a plain white t-shirt once. I only wore it once because I was too terrified to wash it. The fact that it was only worn once was definitely a good thing.

Why start a scrapbook when you’ve already got a floordrobe?

It’s the same concept really, but one is in a book and the other is on the floor.