Celebrity maraca-player Bez, 46, will sadly be unavailable to take part in Ultimate Big Brother. The former "freaky dancer" for the Happy Mondays – real name Mark Berry – was recently convicted of assault, and has now been jailed after informing a Manchester magistrate that he refused to recognise her authority. Marie Cash gave Bez a community sentence and ordered him to pay £450 in costs, but the performer – whose father was, would you believe, a rozzer – told her: "I'm not doing it. Bovvered. I'm going to appeal and take this to a real court." The kerfuffle concluded with Bez being led to the cells crying: "Victory is within my grasp!" and facing a four-week jail sentence. His assault on girlfriend Monica Ward took place in May: the court heard that Bez (not a chap you'd trust to recall where he'd left his keys) couldn't find the takings from a concert, flew into a rage and tried to throttle Ms Ward – also the lead singer in his band, Domino Bones. Their MySpace page suggests they're still booking gigs. Does one have Wi-Fi in jail?

Channel Four said it had survived the worst advertising downturn since it was launched in 1982 by slashing costs and bringing in record profits at its digital media operation.

One problem for the provisional government established by Fifa here for the duration of this World Cup is that it is running so far behind the efficiency levels of the one outlined by George Orwell in his novel "Nineteen Eighty-Four".

Big Brother bosses announced today that a live internet feed is to return for fans - but at a cost.

Jade Goody's widower Jack Tweed said today he contemplated suicide after being arrested on rape charges, for which he was later cleared.

When the 11-year Big Brother phenomenon finally limps to an end this summer, it will have left us with several abiding legacies. Some of these are positive, such as the knowledge that we can always vote for the underdog/outsider/weirdo and really wind up the Daily Mail.