Arts and Entertainment Face values: Paul from Channel 4’s ‘My Tattoo Addiction’

Roll up, roll up! See the tattooed man with no job and £71 a week to support his whole family

Captain Moonlight: Book money

FINISH this first, of course, but what about that book you were always going to write? I couldn't even manage the exam question, 'Every man has a book in him. Discuss', but I'm having second thoughts. There's good money in books, you know. Look at the Pope, something like pounds 3.8m for a book of essays. Not a particularly snappy title - Crossing the Threshold of Hope - either. And that was only the English-language rights. Let me stimulate your creativity further by providing you with the Captain's Very Rough and Ready Guide to Advances: 1 Tom Clancy, thriller writer, pounds 7.3m for one. 2 Barbara Taylor Bradford, saga- soaps, pounds 20m for three. 3 Stephen King, horror, pounds 20m for four. 4 Lord Archer, snappy titles, pounds 11.2m for three novels. 5 Ken Follett (qv), thinking airport, pounds 6.9m for two. 6 Baroness Thatcher, former prime minister and cigarette saleswoman, pounds 3.5m for memoirs. 7 Joan Collins, sex icon to the elderly, pounds 2m for two novels. 8 Ivana Trump, famous person, pounds 2m for three novels. 9 Michael Holroyd, literary figure, small, pounds 625,000 for Bernard Shaw biography. 10 Peter Ackroyd, literary figure, large, pounds 650,000 for two biographies. 11 Vikram Seth, novelist in need of an edit (Lord Gowrie), pounds 250,000 for A Suitable Boy.

THEATRE / The age of disbelief: Paul Taylor reviews The Schoolmistress and Dangerous Corner, both in Chichester

Joan Collins and toyboy, yes; Patricia Routledge and toyboy . . . ? Well, you can judge for yourself now at Chichester where, in a spectacular instance of age-blind casting, Matthew Francis's dodgy revival of The Schoolmistress invites us to believe that Routledge's character has recently got spliced to a toff played by Guy Henry, an actor some 30 years her junior. It also asks us to credit that Dulcie Gray and Michael Denison, theatreland's premier oldster-combo, are the parents of a 16-year-old girl. You can accuse Chichester of many things, but disloyalty to the senior members of the profession is not one of them.

My Biggest Mistake: John Drummond

MY BIGGEST mistake was to assume, when I did my first book, Good Business, that writing it was the tough part.

Making improper advances: So Random House want Joan Collins to reimburse them because her work doesn't cut the mustard. So what did they expect? Peter Guttridge on the big name game

It seems remarkably churlish of Random House, the US publishing conglomerate, to want back from Joan Collins the dollars 1m they paid of an agreed dollars 3m advance simply because, as some reports claim, the books she delivered to them are unpublishable. Most publishers who give whopping advances to celebrities know they are buying a name, not a writing talent, and get someone else actually to write the book.

Hell hath no fury like Joan Collins sued

ALEXIS would have been proud. Faced with a writ from her publishers demanding dollars 1m ( pounds 675,000), Joan Collins has hit back with a counterclaim for dollars 2m ( pounds 1.35m).

RADIO / Lenny plays the blues

JUST ONCE in a while you hear something on the radio you know you'll never forget. Sometimes it's harrowing, sometimes beautiful, but this week's was just plain brilliant and it was 40 years old. Radio 3 broadcast Leonard Bernstein's illustrated talk What Jazz?

Joan Collins, I dream of you: In bed with Hugh Thompson

Hugh Thompson, 34, is a paparazzo photographer. He lives in London.

The Independent on Sunday bestsellers list: In the lists

IF a book about a far-away government's domestic policy sounds an unlikely bestseller, consider Steven W Mosher's account of one Manchurian woman's rebellion against the brutal 'one couple, one child' rule in Maoist China. The secret, of course, is in the title: A Mother's Ordeal. What we hungry readers seem to crave, as these lists constantly remind us, is human drama, the intimate, intricate details of other people's lives. Biography now rivals fiction in popularity and, Yung Chang and Brian Keenan notwithstanding, we're often none too fussy about the quality: some reviewers found the John Arlott memoir decidedly limp, but that hasn't kept it from reaching the number one biography slot.

York on ads: No 18: Exclusive photography

AT LAST, a foretaste of the way things will be in the interactive global television supermarket of the future, when all this nonsense about British advertising creativity is over. It comes in the form of an Australian-style, instant-response ('call now]'), 120-second advertorial for Exclusive Photography, shot in the manner of an early 1980s morning magazine show - ie, like GMTV but less incisive.

FILM / Nanny who came in from the cold

It must be perverse to say this of a lady of undisputed avoirdupois, but Mrs Doubtfire, in Mrs Doubtfire (12), is a lightweight creation that could have done with a shade more flesh on her bones. Not that the disguise - which Williams, an out-of-work, divorced actor adopts to spend more time with his kids - isn't a brilliant feat of mimicry. But there's not much dramatic mileage in the old girl.

SPEECH MARKS / The things they say about . . . Joan Collins

Joan Collins stars in Steven Berkoff's 'Decadence', which opens this Friday.

The controversial case of the 'overgrown student': When friends criticised her 'baggy' look, Isabel Wolff consulted a style counsellor

'I HOPE you won't mind my saying this,' said a close male friend to me at a party recently, 'but I'm not at all sure about your outfit. You see you're rather a small person, and I don't think long things really suit you.'

Inside Parliament: Budget Aftermath: Portillo under fire over rising taxation: Brown's 'policy-free zone' derided - Government 'discipline' on public spending defended - Harman singled out for Joan Collins jibe

Michael Portillo, Chief Secretary to the Treasury, was involved in heated exchanges with the Labour leadership across the table of the House of Commons yesterday as tax dominated the Budget debate.

Letter: Mandela in 'Vogue'

Sir: Ruth Picardie in her open letter to Nelson Mandela (29 October) gives him a verbal spanking for deciding to edit the Christmas 1993 number of French Vogue which, of course, she has not seen.
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