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Potato chips. In the 1800s in New York, a customer at a restaurant sent back French fries because they were too thick. The cook made thinner ones that the customer still thought were too thick. Exasperated, the chef made ones that were exceedingly thin to piss off the customer... who loved them.

Viagra, life jacket and baby spoon chosen to represent `spirit' of the millennium

BULLETPROOF LIFE jackets, emergency shelters and heat-activated baby spoons were added yesterday to the list of official millennium products, chosen to represent the best of British innovation.

Condemned to live

HELLO TREES, hello sky, we'll meet again, with a smile and a song, and I think to myself, what a wonderful thump crash wallop, knuckles crack, nose bursts, blood blossoms all down Mr Portillo's little blue shirt, and you know what? I don't even have anything against Mr Portillo at the moment, and as for his shirt, he's always struck me as quite a well-dressed sort of a man. It's just free-floating rage. Juvenal would have understood, but then Juvenal is also dead, so to hell with him. Can't you just see him - smell him - nearly two millennia back, condemning the vices to which he was most drawn, slouching past the racetrack with his big old belly and his pout and his lousy teeth, snarling at the lip-licking popsies up on the Palatine with their fancy scent and their smooth, smooth thighs, and their rich bastard "protectors" ... once you got to a certain level, then as now, you could move up from fornication to cubiculation, trade the rat-shit arches of the Colosseum for the scented couch of a senator. The bitches! The bastards! And never mind that your man Juvenal is himself straight from the bath-house, slick with the venerean sudor of that self- same senator's wife. Times change, and we ... we remain the same.

Refreshing the hearts other drugs can't reach

WOULDN'T IT be awful to die in the middle of a column, some elegiacal piece about, oh, I don't know, some poor unknowing disregarded tidewrack from the late 20th century, the cruellest p

Politics: Two old troublemakers are happily reselected

The Week In Westminster

Firms race to find a Viagra for women

A GLOBAL race to develop the first effective treatment for sexual problems in women is under way, with a bonanza in prospect for the winner. Since the worldwide success of Viagra, the male impotence drug, multinational drug companies are vying to develop a treatment that will prove as appealing to women.

Letter: Dignified old age

Sir: I read John Walsh's article with growing displeasure. To make fun of elderly people and their activities was in appalling bad taste.

Leader: Doctors owe it to their patients to be honest

YOU WOULD need quite a bedside manner to pull this one off. "I'm sorry, Mrs Jones, there is a treatment which could postpone the onset of your ovarian cancer, but it costs pounds 4,000 and I am not allowed to prescribe it on the National Health Service." Everyone knows that this would be an honest description of the reality of the rationing of health care, but should doctors be so direct with their patients? Particularly when the brutal corollary is: "So if you can't afford to go private, you can't have the treatment."

Drug factories become Britain's new illegal cottage industry

POLICE CHIEFS are warning of a flood of new synthetic drugs - including super-strong ecstasy, fake Prozac and Viagra - both manufactured in Britain and imported from illegal "factories" abroad.

Viagra Corner: Dispatches from the Frontiers of Medicine

RUGBY HAS always been viewed as a sport for truly hard men but deep in the Welsh valleys the lads have been getting a little extra help from Viagra.

Man wins pounds 7,500 to try Viagra

A MAN whose sex life and sporting ambitions were destroyed by surgery for a slipped disc won nearly pounds 600,000 damages in the High Court in London - including pounds 7,500 to try out the anti-impotence drug Viagra.

Free-for-all Viagra after court ruling

THE DEPARTMENT of Health said last night that men should not expect a Viagra free-for-all during the next five weeks, even though a High Court judge ruled yesterday that the Government had acted illegally in trying to restrict access to the anti-impotence drug.

Comedy: A bigger laugh

LENNY HENRY

Viagra link to 17 deaths in past year

DOCTORS HAVE recorded 17 deaths in Britain since last July linked with Viagra, the pill for impotence that is still officially banned on the NHS.

Letter:Impotence no joke

Letter:Impotence no joke

Letter: Mad about Viagra

Sir: I must admit to being confused by the media obsession with Viagra, which has once more reared its ugly head. I understand the drug is meant to be recreational and, possibly, procreational. As it takes "two to tango", the drug must also benefit women. That of course assumes that they are feeling cheated if their flaccid partners are unable to come up to the mark, rather than relieved that their partners' inability to perform enables them to concentrate on other more important aspects of life, such as spending money.
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Independent Travel
Pompeii, Capri & the Bay of Naples
Seven Cities of Italy
Burgundy, the River Rhone & Provence
Prague, Budapest and Vienna
Lake Garda
3.	Provence 6 nights B&B by train from £599pp
Prices correct as of 20 February 2015
Homeless Veterans campaign: Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after £300,000 gift from Lloyds Bank

Homeless Veterans campaign

Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after huge gift from Lloyds Bank
Flight MH370 a year on: Lost without a trace – but the search goes on

Lost without a trace

But, a year on, the search continues for Flight MH370
Germany's spymasters left red-faced after thieves break into brand new secret service HQ and steal taps

Germany's spy HQ springs a leak

Thieves break into new €1.5bn complex... to steal taps
International Women's Day 2015: Celebrating the whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Simone de Beauvoir's seminal feminist polemic, 'The Second Sex', has been published in short-form for International Women's Day
Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Why would I want to employ someone I’d be happy to have as my boss, asks Simon Kelner
Confessions of a planespotter: With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent

Confessions of a planespotter

With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent. Sam Masters explains the appeal
Russia's gulag museum 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities

Russia's gulag museum

Ministry of Culture-run site 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities
The big fresh food con: Alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay

The big fresh food con

Joanna Blythman reveals the alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay
Virginia Ironside was my landlady: What is it like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7?

Virginia Ironside was my landlady

Tim Willis reveals what it's like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7
Paris Fashion Week 2015: The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp

Paris Fashion Week 2015

The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp
8 best workout DVDs

8 best workout DVDs

If your 'New Year new you' regime hasn’t lasted beyond February, why not try working out from home?
Paul Scholes column: I don't believe Jonny Evans was spitting at Papiss Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible

Paul Scholes column

I don't believe Evans was spitting at Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible
Miguel Layun interview: From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

Miguel Layun is a star in Mexico where he was criticised for leaving to join Watford. But he says he sees the bigger picture
Frank Warren column: Amir Khan ready to meet winner of Floyd Mayweather v Manny Pacquiao

Khan ready to meet winner of Mayweather v Pacquiao

The Bolton fighter is unlikely to take on Kell Brook with two superstar opponents on the horizon, says Frank Warren
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable