5 days in the life of JAMES BROWN

Share
Related Topics
Monday: The announcement in a national newspaper that I'd been eating Slim Fast seems to have shocked more people than anything else I've done at loaded over the last three years, including my resignation. For an hour last Friday I explained my departure from one men's mag to another as a symptom of "growing up" but by late Sunday this was old news. I celebrate my appointment to the editorship of GQ by driving to a benefit for Striking Liverpool Dockers at the Mean Fiddler in Harlesden with two Scouse rascals, Kevin and Glen. We were going to watch the band Hunkpapa featuring the vocal talents of one Peter Hooton, late of The Farm, but arrive to discover Noel Gallagher will also be appearing. Which is nice. Noel's appearance has been kept so secret to avoid a stampede that at 7pm the organisers ring Radio 1 to get more punters. All the way up to the Fiddler I knocked back Glen and Kev's misguided assertions that I am the new King of European Cool by spitting out my editorial intentions through mouthfuls of popcorn. A classy operator, for sure. Glen wiped his boots on the weekend's newspapers and Kev spilt chips everywhere. If this is the way they do things at Italian Vogue then I'll eat my own spit. In true style we end the evening serenading the very patient bar manager at the Hyde Park Stakis Hotel.

TUESDAY: The true spirit of loaded has reappeared in the Animal House. During the early days we weren't sure how far our luck would run so we pushed it all the way. Now that Deeson, Bummage and I know we have only a matter of weeks left in this wonderful magazine, the same manic behaviour is coursing through the office. Acid Brass, a CD featuring a brass band playing acid house anthems, blasts out of the office stereo and the heady stench of skunk billows down the stairs into Marie Claire. (Should be a good issue in August.) Designers Miles and Jim reminisce about sunrises spent shivering in fields at the start of the decade and I know that this will be how we'll spend our final years. Listening to a bloody brass band playing "808 State".

Head off to the Raymond Duck Dining Club to listen to my best mate Shakey bemoan his lack of a decent relationship: "All my mates in Malvern are either married or have kids. Even Hodge has a great-looking bird now and he hasn't had a shag since the last Labour government. And you're joining an old-man's magazine. What's going on? All I can do is throw whatever I've got at a couple of drunken slappers and hope for the best. Thirty seconds and then splosh. That's it." The man's a poet.

WEDNESDAY: Watch Kenny Everett documentary and wonder if the reason we and the rest of the media didn't champion him sooner after his death was because he died of Aids or because everyone had simply forgotten the impact he had had. When I was at school the man was a phenomenon but back then Sid Snot addressing the television audience as Friends of Dorothy meant nothing to a playground of 14-year-olds.

THURSDAY: Meet GQ staff for first time. Lunch with newspaper mogul. Electricity cut off at flat.

FRIDAY: Wash in hot water from pan. Travel the mile from the loaded office to the BBC studios at Bush House in Jason's fibreglass bomb of a Lotus Esprit. Appear on 5 Live's news discussion programme The Treatment. The show also features the true voice of sport, Derek "Robo" Robinson, which is exciting. Robo is a visionary from Middlesbrough whom I kneel before in admiration.

Discussion centres on the news that vegetables can now taste like chocolate, phone boxes in the future will be in the form of piss icicles and that Leeds University has miraculously discovered that people in Romford drive Ford Escorts.

The recording is interrupted by the arrival of Martin Deeson, my fellow deserter from loaded, who clearly wonders what is going on. Although Deeson has taken the day off work to "sort the wedding out" it's apparent from the way he stares at Stuart's wine bottle that he has spent the best part of the last 24 hours awake, shaking and sweating in toilets with his excellent wife-to-be Collinson Jones. The terrible love duo drag me into the night and then dump me on Oxford Street eight hours later. The week ends like it always did before my Slim Fast binge kicked in. Wretching in a doorway on a wet London pavement while women in stilettos scream for taxis.

James Brown has been appointed next editor of 'GQ'.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Senior Accounts Assistant - Accounts Payable - St. Albans

£26000 - £28000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: Senior Accounts Assistan...

Ashdown Group: Treasury Assistant - Accounts Assistant - London, Old Street

£24000 - £26000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

Recruitment Genius: Installation and Service / Security Engineer

£22000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is part of a Group...

Recruitment Genius: Service Charge Accounts Assistant

£16000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you a a young, dynamic pers...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: Outgunned by a lack of military knowledge

Guy Keleny
Ukip leader Nigel Farage in Tiny Tim’s tea shop while canvassing in Rochester this week  

General Election 2015: What on earth happened to Ukip?

Matthew Norman
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence
Public relations as 'art'? Surely not

Confessions of a former PR man

The 'art' of public relations is being celebrated by the V&A museum, triggering some happy memories for DJ Taylor
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef succumbs to his sugar cravings with super-luxurious sweet treats

Bill Granger's luxurious sweet treats

Our chef loves to stop for 30 minutes to catch up on the day's gossip, while nibbling on something sweet
London Marathon 2015: Paula Radcliffe and the mother of all goodbyes

The mother of all goodbyes

Paula Radcliffe's farewell to the London Marathon will be a family affair
Everton vs Manchester United: Steven Naismith demands 'better' if Toffees are to upset the odds against United

Steven Naismith: 'We know we must do better'

The Everton forward explains the reasons behind club's decline this season
Arsenal vs Chelsea: Praise to Arsene Wenger for having the courage of his convictions

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Praise to Wenger for having the courage of his convictions