A few of my favourite lists

Ten things that never become comprehensible, no matter how often they are explained to you:

The ERM.

The Tour de France.

Jazz.

The attraction of motor car racing.

Endowment policies.

Rugby Union infringements.

The difference between Sunnis and Shias.

Reincarnation.

Derivatives.

The Government's transport policy.

Ten terms that mean something different in the theatre from everywhere else:

Props.

Tabs.

Flies.

Flats.

Wings.

Gods.

Stalls.

Pit.

Spots.

Catwalk.

Ten games that used to be very popular and now seem to have almost vanished:

Bezique.

Ecarte.

Loo.

Canasta.

Real tennis.

Fives.

Halma.

Whist.

French cricket.

Mah-jong.

Ten terms used very commonly by the British people to describe the weather but which never seem to appear in any weather forecast:

Spitting.

Sweltering.

Blistering.

Close.

Sticky.

Grim.

Vile.

Pissing down.

Parky.

Brass monkey weather.

Ten questions that do not mean what they say, but actually mean: "What the hell are you up to?"

"May I help you?"

"Just browsing, sir?"

"Are you being looked after?"

"Have you found what you want?"

"Is this the sort of thing you were after?"

"If you need any guidance at all, you will let me know, won't you?"

"You do know we are closing in five minutes, do you not?"

"Have we seen you here before?"

"Do you wish to know where the exit is?"

"May I just have a look in that bag before we send for the police and have you locked away for many years?"

Ten human fashions named after the animal world:

Mutton-chop whiskers.

Pony tails.

Goatee beard.

Beehive.

Cowlick.

Frogging.

Dog-collar.

Pigtail.

Herring-bone jacket.

Monkey jacket.

Ten human conditions named after the natural world:

Hare lip.

Pigeon-chested.

Sick as a parrot.

Hamfisted.

Dog tired.

Dogsbody.

Bird-brained.

Fish face.

Crocodile tears.

Cauliflower ears.

Ten silly places where we write down people's telephone numbers when we haven't got the time or facility to write them anywhere else:

On the back of your cheque book.

On bank notes.

On the backs of cheques.

On the back of your hand.

On theatre programmes.

In telephone directories.

On telephones.

On car windows.

On the back of very important receipts.

On the sand in the beach with a stick.

Ten pointless linguistic rules to which only a pedant would dream of adhering religiously:

Don't split infinitives.

Never finish a sentence with a preposition.

Never start a sentence with "and".

You can't have a sentence without a verb.

The word "prestigious" can only be used as the adjective from "prestige", meaning a trick or illusion.

"Unique" can never be modified - a thing is either unique or it isn't.

When you use the word "either", there can only be two alternatives.

You must say "an historic" and not "a historic"; "an hotel" and not "a hotel".

"Spaghetti" is a plural word in Italian, so we should always say: "Spaghetti are my favourite pasta."

Data are also plural.