It’s the most popular day for breakups! Here’s how I got through mine...

It’s hard enough splitting up, let alone when you struggle with your mental health, as Juliette Burton knows only too well – and she’s sharing her tips for how to get through it (relatively) unscathed...

Breakup To Break Through: Why does a breakup affect our mental health? (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

The festive season is upon us! It’s a time of love and good will to all… except, perhaps, for those of us in rocky relationships. Yep, that’s right: one survey suggests today, 11 December, is the most popular date for breakups. Eek.

If, like me, you’ve been through a horror split, you may well be wondering how you’ll ever feel OK again – particularly if you, like me, suffer from a history of mental illness.

I’m prone to psychological challenges – none more challenging, I’d hazard, than telling people on a first date that I was once sectioned under the mental health act. I know.

But contrary to what you might well expect, explaining to my dates that I had been diagnosed with 15 mental illnesses actually proved helpful. Some dates judged me, others became awkward... a few open-minded types wanted to understand more. It was a way to identify compassion and curiosity, stigma and fear in my prospective romantic partners.

That’s not to say it’s easy, juggling new love and mental illness at the same time. There’s so much stigma and discrimination out there. To me, dating only served to remind me of the value of acceptance and loving companionship. Which is why it can be so difficult when it all goes wrong.

In one past relationship, my partner and I were together for seven years, engaged for four and in love for… fewer than that. To anyone out there in a similar situation considering breaking up, may I encourage you to allow time and space for the both of you to adjust to that huge new change together? The healthiest breakups are mutual, like ours was.

As painful as this shift in status was, it is a joy to say my ex-partner is now a best friend. When we first broke up, society had programmed me to see it as a failed relationship. I now see it as a successful evolution of love.

Much like mental illness, it depends upon how you look at it. In my experience, individual and interpersonal growth can flourish following a breakup. Yes, I may have an ex-fiancé, useless spreadsheets of wedding venue contacts and a beautiful, unused wedding dress. But I learned from that experience. And you will too.

My broken engagement wasn’t even my hardest – that’s reserved for 2021, when a devastating heartbreak became the painful jump-start to one of my worst episodes of depression yet – but also the catalyst of profound personal growth.

The person I loved left suddenly, extricating themselves abruptly, cutting off all contact. The sudden loss was overwhelming. Facing up to my own behaviour that contributed to the breakup devastated me. I became a shadow of myself. The shock was visceral. I couldn’t sleep, eat or wash.

We already know that stressful events like breakups are likely to increase the risk of depression, with two main factors determining how detrimental the heartbreak can be: 1) how sudden the separation; and 2) how positive or negative we perceive our new situation to be.

What helped me was talking openly, repeatedly, in depth (and, at times, obsessively). My friends listened and supported me, and I’ll be forever grateful.

Another helpful yet harder step was blocking my ex on social media. Abrupt a wrench as it was, my ex going “no contact” helped me draw a line under our split and get closure.

Post-breakup, I also drew lines in notepads. I journalled a lot, getting through a notepad a day. This may not be surprising since I’m a writer and a comedian. And apparently, writing a redemptive narrative can help reduce stress. (No wonder I’m writing this article for you right now. Thanks for being a part of my healing journey.)

I didn’t believe friends who said “it’ll just take time.” But, two years later I can say – hand on patched-together, humbled heart – they were right. I can now see that relationship had to end for who I truly am to emerge.

All those I’d dismissed, when they said one day I’d be ready to open my heart again were, delightfully (and frustratingly) right. One day the pain felt less it did before. I even began dating again. And you will too.

So, don’t despair if – like me – you become one of the victims of 11 December. You will get through this. My life motto now is: “I never lose, I either win or I learn. However, I’ve learned a lot.”

Juliette Burton is a writer and comedian. She writes for MQ Mental Health Research, a charity dedicated to supporting researchers focused on the science behind mental health. She is also ambassador for Rethink Mental Illness and regularly performs comedy japery about relationships, mental health and much more. Find her at www.julietteburton.co.uk or on Instagram, X/Twitter or Facebook