Buy now, let Labour pay later!

Click to follow

Oyez, oyez! Be it known that the directors and board of BEEFTRACK hereby declare that they are putting on sale to the public shares in the company known as BEEFTRACK, which cannot lose money in the future owing to very special and meaningful relationships with the Government, which we cannot spell out FULLY in case anyone from the Labour Party should read it and raise some intelligent objections, unlikely though that seems.

Therefore the board and directors of BEEFTRACK do hereby authorise that a sum of money not less than, oh, let's say pounds 50,000, be paid to Miles Kington Esq for the privilege of using his column as a free publicity area for the forthcoming sale of shares in Beeftrack.


1. Beeftrack is a publicly owned company formed by the Government using taxpayers' money but making a profit only for itself and the Tory party.

2. The purpose of Beeftrack is to take all loss-making industries such as the railways, the beef industry, the water industry, the newspaper industry, the book industry, you name it, even the Tory party itself, and leave them in such a mess that the incoming Labour government will suffer from such difficulties that it will not be able to last more than a year.

3. Therefore, using money raised by this share issue, the directors of Beeftrack propose to indulge in such madcap schemes as:

a) plunging the food industry into disarray by slaughtering all available cattle;

b) plunging the world of rugby union into disarray by ordering the slaughter of all rugby administrators over 60;

c) plunging the rail industry into disarray by fragmenting it into an unworkable patchwork of conflicting organisations;

d) plunging the art world into disarray by letting the Royal Opera House go head over heels into debt and then half-bailing it out;

e) promoting jealousy at all levels by giving ludicrously large sums of money to all outgoing heads of state organisations or quangos, and even greater sums to all private heads;

f) ordering ludicrously expensive bypasses to be built round places like Newbury;

g) giving out huge sweeteners to anyone who buys shares in Beeftrack;

h) offering bribes to ... but you probably get the idea by now.

4. What, you may well ask, is the point of Beeftrack making a lot of trouble in the country by mucking up the rail system, beef industry, etc?

5. We'll tell you.

6. To make a hell of a lot of money.

7. How?

8. Hold on a moment and we'll tell you.

9. You see, it's a hundred to one that even if the economy upturns and inflation vanishes and we all feel very good indeed, the Tories will still lose the next election.

10. The voters are not fools.

11. Well, yes, they are fools.

12. But they are not total idiots.

13. And the public has felt for some time the crying need for a change, which means that come the next election they will vote the Tories out.

14. And Labour in.

15. The voters don't particularly want Labour in, they just want the Tories out.

16. Even if the only alternative government was Ray Illingworth and the English cricket team, they would still vote the Tories out.

17. So our idea is to make things so nightmarish for the incoming government that in a year or two the electorate will, as usual, forget all the horrors of the Tory years and vote the Tories back in again.

18. At which point Beeftrack shares will rocket and we can all sell out and make a fortune!

19. So buy Beeftrack shares today and look after yourself tomorrow!

20. Beeftrack is a wholly owned Tory set-up.

21. The Tories are sometimes accused of short-termism.

22. But with Beeftrack we are looking way, way ahead!

23. And looking after number one!

24. What about the country, you ask?

25. Never mind about that - what's good for Beeftrack is good for the country!

26. You know it makes sense.

27. Well, not sense exactly, but a lot of money.

28. Remember, where shares are concerned, what goes up may come down.

28. And remember, where governments are concerned, what goes in must get in again!

29. Buy Beeftrack shares now ...

30. And see you again when the Tories get back in!