CAPTAIN MOONLIGHT : Daring Darren . . . much too gritty . . . and crack ing up

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars. As true today, I find, as when Oscar Wilde first mentioned it, all those years ago. A lot of people sneer at horoscopes, but not the Captain, not with a name like mine. But it w as only when I was perusing the horoscopes for the coming year that I discovered I share my star sign with John Major. A jolt, as you can imagine, but it does at least explain why I have this continuing sensation of not quite being in control of things.

Anyway, we are both Arians and it will come as no surprise that we are noisy extrovert enthusiasts who entertain wild romantic fantasies. I have to warn you that, according to Julian Toper in the Sun, John and I will be feeling frisky on 31 March. In April, he says, we will be inundated with offers to travel. Julian, whose political allegiances I am beginning to suspect, thinks we should take a long trip up the Amazon or the Himalayas. Jonathan Cainer in the Daily Mail warns that John and I "may also oc casionally feel that certain key decisions are being made for you''. But before you all get too excited, Barbara Dunn in Today thinks that a lot of team work will see us firmly back in control by September.

Barbara also says that our hidden tensions should be eased by regular physical exercise, possibly a martial art. So, somebody else who thinks John should get tough. Ayyeeeeee! Oh, yes!