Captain Moonlight

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STAND BY for Captain Moonlight's Catch Up Service, our exclusive digest which goes above, behind, under and round the side of the week's headlines . . . Britain's sexiest towns were discovered to be Bournemouth, Basildon, Kettering, Aberystwyth and Morecambe. Comedian Jim Bowen of Morecambe said: 'There's more life in a tramp's vest . . .' The clocktower at Skegness has been found to be leaning six inches from the vertical . . . A Swedish court has ordered a burglar to pay pounds 250 damages for shocking a parrot. Since the burglary the parrot has been afraid to stay at home alone . . . A Watford postman has twice opened pillar boxes to find a toad in the mail. The second stayed crouched looking at him, but the first jumped straight into his sack . . . Penises are shrinking with each generation, scientists reported. 'The manhood of modern men is only half the size of their grandfathers,' said American researcher Louise Guillette . . . Six goldfish were removed from 25 Cromwell Street and will be fed and looked after at Gloucester police station . . . Two cheese sandwiches wrapped in an 1897 newspaper were found under floorboards at a Bangor house . . . Jilted Jose Mazcinco, 34, cut off his arm with a chainsaw because his ex-girlfriend's name was tattooed on it.