Captain Moonlight: A princely new wardrobe? Walk this way

PERHAPS inevitably, following the disclosure that the Princess of Wales spends pounds 3,000 a week on grooming, a lot of people came up to me last week and asked: 'Captain, how do you achieve your look? Is it terribly expensive? Do tell]'

This is very flattering, of course, but, as you know, I am not one to seek the fickle floodlight of fame. Nevertheless, it so happened that the news coincided with a need to replenish the Moonlight wardrobe. So, selflessly, helpfully, I propose to take you with me on a typical shopping expedition.

Entering Burton's, in Regent Street, I was immediately taken with a light-blue pair of gaberdine slacks, pounds 19.99. What better to accompany them than a pair of dove-grey suede lace- up loafers, leather uppers, man-made soles, pounds 32.99? Much fortified by these purchases, and pausing only to pop into Cyril of the Ritz for a super suede jacket ( pounds 69, but, disappointingly, no fringes), I arrived at one of my favourite apparel emporia, Mister Byrite, where I snapped up a summer 'fashion suit' in an attractive shade between avocado and lime for just pounds 67.

Having a pressing need to satisfy the more inner man, I next made my way to British Home Stores, where I found a splendid cotton-rich pair of underpants for pounds 2.99 (that's them in the photograph). Quite the thing, I think. The socks I found after a long hunt, in C&A. They're 80 per cent cotton, 20 per cent polyamid. Would you believe three pairs for just pounds 1.99? The other two are grey. And, yes, that is the Captain in the photograph. I scorn the use of body doubles.

On my way out of C&A, with socks and a splendid 'Rodeo' shell suit in mauve, grey and green for pounds 35, I came across a voluble man on the street selling perfumes. He had bottles of Eau de Plaisir, Gingham, Outrage, and several others. Adding them up rather too quickly for me to follow, he arrived at the figure of pounds 110 and then proposed selling the lot for pounds 10. Far be it from me to offer advice to such an experienced shopper as the Princess of Wales, but it did occur to me that she could do worse than get down there, sharpish. Further down an interestingly informal shop was offering personal stereos for 50p(]), electric curling tongs for pounds 2 and a steam iron for pounds 3, all wrapped in what was described as

a 'Louis Vuitton-style' bag, which turned out to be a black bin liner. Ah, Oxford Street]

My final purchase was at Mr Pound ('Have A Look Round, It's Mr Pound') where I came across a splendid pair of thermal fingerless gloves, 85 per cent acrylic and 15 per cent nylon, for the universal and eponymous pounds 1. A much-boosted wardrobe, all for the, forgive me, princely sum of pounds 229.96. And anybody who would like the grey socks, just write in.

(Photograph omitted)