Captain Moonlight: A typical Sunday at Chequers

BORIS YELTSIN arrives in Britain later this month for a weekend at Chequers en route from Moscow to Washington. John Major is understood to be anxious to provide Mr Yeltsin with a flavour of the authentic Britain while he is here. There is talk of a visit to a pub and a village cricket match. But will this be enough? The Captain, as you know, is a great proselytiser for modern Britain; and so, to help the Prime Minister along a bit, I have devised a full Sunday programme for Boris:

7.30am: Rise, don shell suit, down for breakfast. No need to shave. Ignore host's polite inquiries and read cornflake packet. Scratching is acceptable.

8am: Arrive at 15, The Paddocks, Ballinger Common, where Wayne Downes is building an extension. Help Mr Downes with a spot of angle grinding and power drilling. Wave back at gesticulating neighbours.

9am: Jump into Mr Downes's Mondeo for a quick trip to the High Wycombe B&Q and Sainco hypermarket. Queue to get into car park. Buy new vanity unit splash panel and burgers for week.

10am: Return to Chequers to watch John mow lawn and clean limousines. Change into corduroys, check shirt, cravat and blazer.

11am: Join three typical villagers for Morning Service at St Boniface's, Thorneyground, where the Rev Anthony Blair will explore his doubts about a personal God.

12 noon: Norma Major returns to Chequers to cook lunch. With John to The Monkey And Dustbin, Ickford. Useful phrases here will be: 'Hanging's too good for them', 'Why can't they build it somewhere else?', 'There's plenty of work around for them as wants it' and 'I don't mind if I do'.

2.30pm: Return to Chequers. Ignore frosty atmosphere and tough, cold nature of beef. Might be good time for Joe Stalin impression.

3.30pm: Little Glancing cricket ground, for Little Glancing versus Upper Thye. The Little Glancing captain, Max Knightly, an advertising executive, and his players, three accountants, six estate agents and a record producer, will give briefings on country concerns. (The smiling man in the Panama will be Lord Archer, who is most useful on share tips.)

7pm: Return to Chequers. Cold collation. Useful phrases: 'There's nothing on the telly', 'I don't know why we get these Sunday papers', 'The Independent on Sunday's rather good', 'Is that the time?'. Lord Archer will want to play Monopoly. Don't. Take dog for walk. Kick cat. Go to bed.