Captain Moonlight: The Captain's Catch-up Service

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EYES DOWN, once again, for the only weekly news digest that will have you shaking your head in wonder at the rich tapestry that is the human experience . . . The American Labrador Retrievers Club is discriminating against the English type of labrador on the grounds of its short legs. Six breeders have launched a lawsuit . . . Pregnant engineering student Mandy Delaney sat an exam at Aston Univerity, despite having contractions every 10 minutes. She got an upper second . . . The Lane family were the only non-German guests at a Majorca hotel that specialised in German Bing Crosby impersonations. They were abused with taunts of 'unqualified', a jibe at England's failure to make the World Cup finals . . . Douglas Hurd's wife Judy makes cucumber sandwiches with half-frozen bread . . . Two rows of lavatory attendant Jorg Bissinger's customers made an arch out of loo brushes at his wedding in Wittenburg . . . Ron Newman, of Kent, was given 140 hours' community service by Croydon Crown Court for hitting his friend over the head with a guitar because he kept playing the wrong chord in the Eagles' 'Peaceful, Easy Feeling' . . . A man wearing a sheriff's badge and holding a toy six-shooter who fell asleep on the train returning from a Country & Western evening was surrounded by armed police in Southend . . . and, finally, Alido Ricchi, a 49-year-old pianist, was shot as he played 'O Sole Mio' at a midnight Communist Festival in Legnano, Italy. 'He wasn't the best player, but he didn't deserve that,' said police.