Dom Joly: I'll selflessly go to Suriname. For my daughter's sake...

Share
Related Topics

I'm just back from a whistle-stop tour of Norway. A couple of days in Oslo and then a hairy train ride to a boat that whisked me through the fjords to Bergen and then home. I've definitely got the wanderlust bad.

I do love coming home and hanging around with the family but, after a couple of weeks, I start to get the itch. Then I find myself in my gym. Sadly, exercise is far from my mind. I have a huge map of the world on one of the walls in there and I start to look around for my next destination. At the moment, South America is the big gap in my map: the problem is that I can't make up my mind where to go.

Peru is the obvious choice, but it seems to be so packed with travellers at the moment that they've probably built a Starbucks at Machu Picchu. Argentina is another option – great steaks, fabulous women – but I've just read Naomi Klein's wonderful book The Shock Doctrine (if you haven't read it, then do so) and it reminded me just how unpleasant they were to each other – and I hate the tango.

Uruguay has always fascinated me: Montevideo – what a great name for a capital. I'd visit the place on that alone. The problem is that I know nothing about Uruguay, apart from the fact that the rugby team which crashed in the Andes and started to eat each other were from there. Might leave it this time.

What about Brazil? Too big to do in one quick trip unless I want to risk a divorce. How about Ecuador? They eat deep-fried guinea pig, so no thank you. Venezuela appeals to me, but I don't want to run into that awful Sloane from Channel 4 who was making the 100 per cent chocolate out there. He's very annoying.

It's bloody difficult making your mind up. Maybe I should do the wearing-a-blindfold-and-throwing-a-dart-at-the-map trick? That quite appeals actually, but I'd probably cheat.

Years ago I did a "comedy" radio show in which I pretended to be an inmate in Wormwood Scrubs who had just won the Lottery. He was about to be released and was going to treat himself to a trip round the world. The thing is, he didn't want to waste his time in too many "silly" countries. So he/I decided to phone countries and ask them to "sell" themselves as potential destinations. Weirdly, it is possible to actually phone a country. If you look up Iceland or Greenland, there is a number for each of them that puts you through to some tourist office somewhere over there.

I told the Icelandic woman that Greenland had said that Iceland was "rubbish" and not worth visiting. She went mental and started to slag off Greenland: "It's just basically a lump of ice with a little town at each end. It is very backwards."

Later, I had a fabulous conversation with a representative from Suriname. "Tell me why I should visit your country," I asked. "What attractions so you have?" "Vee hav [they're of Dutch origin]," he replied, "shwamps, lotsh of shwamps and very big shnakes." The representative showed quite some enthusiasm. I asked him why I should visit him and not neighbouring Guyana?

"Vey do not have shnakes as big as us," he replied earnestly. I really like the guy from Suriname (as opposed to the guy from Guyana who kept telling me how many KFC outlets there were in his country).

Thinking about it, I might make Suriname my next destination. The capital is called Paramaribo and is one of the few that my daughter Parker doesn't know yet. I'm teaching her all the capitals in the world, but she can never remember this one. Maybe my going there for a week will help her? Now that's what I call good parenting.

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Mobile App/IOS Developer (C#, ASP.NET, .NET, MVC)

£50000 - £60000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Mobile App/IOS...

Front End Developer-JavaScript, Angular J.S, HTML, CSS, ASP.NET

£40000 - £45000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Front End Deve...

Associate CXL Consultant

£40000 - £60000 per annum + BONUS + BENEFITS: Harrington Starr: CXL, Triple Po...

Associate CXL Consultant

£40000 - £60000 per annum + BONUS + BENEFITS: Harrington Starr: CXL, Triple Po...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Only a game? Far from it

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi speaking at the Grand Mosque in Mosul  

The al-Baghdadi doctrine: leading British Muslims offer their response

Independent Voices
The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

The German people demand an end to the fighting
New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
Can scientists save the world's sea life from

Can scientists save our sea life?

By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

Richard III review

Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice
Hollywood targets Asian audiences as US films enjoy record-breaking run at Chinese box office

Hollywood targets Asian audiences

The world's second biggest movie market is fast becoming the Hollywood studios' most crucial
Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app - and my mum keeps trying to hook me up!'

Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app'

Five years on from its launch and Grindr is the world's most popular dating app for gay men. Its founder Joel Simkhai answers his critics, describes his isolation as a child
Autocorrect has its uses but it can go rogue with embarrassing results - so is it time to ditch it?

Is it time to ditch autocorrect?

Matthew J X Malady persuaded friends to message manually instead, but failed to factor in fat fingers and drunk texting
10 best girls' summer dresses

Frock chick: 10 best girls' summer dresses

Get them ready for the holidays with these cool and pretty options 
Westminster’s dark secret: Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together

Westminster’s dark secret

Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Dulce et decorum est - a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

Dulce et decorum est: a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality
Google tells popular music website to censor album cover art in 'sexually explicit content' ban

Naked censorship?

The strange case of Google, the music website and the nudity take-down requests
Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

As England take on India at Trent Bridge, here is our pick of the high-performing bats to help you up your run-count this summer 
Brazil vs Germany World Cup 2014 comment: David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

Captain appears to give up as shocking 7-1 World Cup semi-final defeat threatens ramifications in Brazil