Dom Joly: Tiger's birdies make golf so rock'n'roll

Stories hidden by the glare of Pringle jumpers have now come out about golf groupies

Share
Related Topics

I'm just loving how the whole Tigergate affair is giving golf a rebranding. Most people tend to see the game as something that keeps retired businessmen out of the house until they pass on to the great boardroom in the sky. The ludicrous golf garb that people wear is the equivalent of dull people wearing "crazy" socks or ties. It's just not that convincing.

I think that, if you were a kid thinking about getting into sports, golf would have been very low down on the glamour list. Football gets most of the press and people like Kevin Pietersen have made cricket sexy while Andy Murray has made tennis slightly more interesting – if you're Scottish. Golf never got a look-in really, apart from Tiger Woods, who was so dominant that it stopped getting very interesting. Then, Tigergate – "Tiger is a Cheetah" etc. Suddenly we're getting stories about golf groupies and the rock'n'roll lifestyles that had previously been hidden from view behind the glare of Pringle jumpers. Tiger Woods' cuckolded wife is stunning. How did she first catch the "eye of the Tiger"?

She was the au pair for another professional golfer – an au pair? What wife in her right mind would ever hire someone like that as an au pair? I think your marriage would have to be tremendously secure to survive someone that stunning wandering around your house. My wife once employed a Polish au pair who seemed eminently qualified online but had been looking for a job for over two months with no luck. When she hired her, all the other mums suddenly told her that nobody had employed the girl because she was way too pretty. Hearing this news I got very excited. Sadly, her arrival quickly quashed my enthusiasm as she turned out to be not only the dullest creature on earth but a kind of petulant female version of Kevin the teenager. She didn't last long.

The other aspect of Tigergate that has been such a godsend to the press covering the affairs is the comedy value of golfing terminology. The obvious ones like Tiger's "birdies" were everywhere in seconds but there were plenty more. The next round was along the lines of Tiger's getting wood, holes in one, being the bogeyman etc. Now things are getting really obscure, with people talking about a "wedge" in their marriage and how Elin was looking "chipper". I'm waiting for somebody to come up with a way of using Mashie Niblick. Personally, I'd often read about how Tiger had a magnificent swing but had not realised, up until now, that this was a reference to his lifestyle.

Up until Tigergate, the most raucous that golf ever got was Meatloaf and Alice Cooper fighting for the hair straighteners in the locker room on a celeb golf day. Now golf is the new rock'n'roll, things are going to change. We're going to get "Topless Golf" on the Babestation channel, "Golfers' Wives" on Five and a bad lookalike in a porn film called something like "Tiger's favourite holes". I fear that golfing widows will also now be a little more suspicious of the "men only" rule at the local golf club.

I imagine that, on closer inspection, they will find the rule is actually "no wives" and that the clubhouses of suburbia are actually hothouses of passion and sexual intrigue. I'm pretty sure there will be an upsurge in women joining clubs. Some will be wives keeping an eye on their previously unsuspected husbands. Others will be single women eager to tap into this new reservoir of available men.

Tiger will soon have to come out of his self-imposed hermitage and face the world. His PR people are most likely planning the thing now. I'm pretty sure that we'll see him on Oprah weeping his heart out and blaming his "sex addiction" on his constant proximity to balls. He will claim to be undergoing treatment and will then release a brand of condoms called "Woodies". These will become so successful that Tiger will go on to develop some branded balls known as "Gonads". Having been dropped by all his current sponsors, he'll take up with new commercial partners that include Spearmint Rhino, Hooters and Vaseline. I'm off now – there's a hookers and harlots night at the golf club – got to limber up.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Nursery Nurse

Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: Room Leader PositionI am currently ...

Nursery Nurse

Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: Level 3 Nursery NurseI am currently...

Nursery Assistant

Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: Breakfast and after school club wor...

KS1 and KS2 Primary NQT Job in Lancaster Area

£85 - £140 per day: Randstad Education Preston: Randstad Education is urgently...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Anthony stopped due to the lack of step free access at Mansion House  

My life in a wheelchair is hard enough without London's impossible transport system

Anthony Ince
Protesters rest following pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong  

Hong Kong protests: Is this the coolest and most civilised uprising ever?

Chris Maume
Italian couples fake UK divorce scam on an ‘industrial scale’

Welcome to Maidenhead, the divorce capital of... Italy

A look at the the legal tourists who exploited our liberal dissolution rules
Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

The vintage series has often been criticised for racial stereotyping
An app for the amorous: Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?

An app for the amorous

Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?
Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid. Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?

Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid

Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?
Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

After a few early missteps with Chekhov, her acting career has taken her to Hollywood. Next up is a role in the BBC’s gangster drama ‘Peaky Blinders’
She's having a laugh: Britain's female comedians have never had it so good

She's having a laugh

Britain's female comedians have never had it so good, says stand-up Natalie Haynes
Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LED lights designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows

Let there be light

Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LEDs designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows
Great British Bake Off, semi-final, review: Richard remains the baker to beat

Tensions rise in Bake Off's pastry week

Richard remains the baker to beat as Chetna begins to flake
Paris Fashion Week, spring/summer 2015: Time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris

A look to the future

It's time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris
The 10 best bedspreads

The 10 best bedspreads

Before you up the tog count on your duvet, add an extra layer and a room-changing piece to your bed this autumn
Arsenal vs Galatasaray: Five things we learnt from the Emirates

Arsenal vs Galatasaray

Five things we learnt from the Gunners' Champions League victory at the Emirates
Stuart Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

This deal gives England a head-start to prepare for 2019 World Cup, says Chris Hewett
Ebola outbreak: The children orphaned by the virus – then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection

The children orphaned by Ebola...

... then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection
Pride: Are censors pandering to homophobia?

Are censors pandering to homophobia?

US film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence
The magic of roundabouts

Lords of the rings

Just who are the Roundabout Appreciation Society?