Dom Joly: Tiger's birdies make golf so rock'n'roll

Stories hidden by the glare of Pringle jumpers have now come out about golf groupies

Share
Related Topics

I'm just loving how the whole Tigergate affair is giving golf a rebranding. Most people tend to see the game as something that keeps retired businessmen out of the house until they pass on to the great boardroom in the sky. The ludicrous golf garb that people wear is the equivalent of dull people wearing "crazy" socks or ties. It's just not that convincing.

I think that, if you were a kid thinking about getting into sports, golf would have been very low down on the glamour list. Football gets most of the press and people like Kevin Pietersen have made cricket sexy while Andy Murray has made tennis slightly more interesting – if you're Scottish. Golf never got a look-in really, apart from Tiger Woods, who was so dominant that it stopped getting very interesting. Then, Tigergate – "Tiger is a Cheetah" etc. Suddenly we're getting stories about golf groupies and the rock'n'roll lifestyles that had previously been hidden from view behind the glare of Pringle jumpers. Tiger Woods' cuckolded wife is stunning. How did she first catch the "eye of the Tiger"?

She was the au pair for another professional golfer – an au pair? What wife in her right mind would ever hire someone like that as an au pair? I think your marriage would have to be tremendously secure to survive someone that stunning wandering around your house. My wife once employed a Polish au pair who seemed eminently qualified online but had been looking for a job for over two months with no luck. When she hired her, all the other mums suddenly told her that nobody had employed the girl because she was way too pretty. Hearing this news I got very excited. Sadly, her arrival quickly quashed my enthusiasm as she turned out to be not only the dullest creature on earth but a kind of petulant female version of Kevin the teenager. She didn't last long.

The other aspect of Tigergate that has been such a godsend to the press covering the affairs is the comedy value of golfing terminology. The obvious ones like Tiger's "birdies" were everywhere in seconds but there were plenty more. The next round was along the lines of Tiger's getting wood, holes in one, being the bogeyman etc. Now things are getting really obscure, with people talking about a "wedge" in their marriage and how Elin was looking "chipper". I'm waiting for somebody to come up with a way of using Mashie Niblick. Personally, I'd often read about how Tiger had a magnificent swing but had not realised, up until now, that this was a reference to his lifestyle.

Up until Tigergate, the most raucous that golf ever got was Meatloaf and Alice Cooper fighting for the hair straighteners in the locker room on a celeb golf day. Now golf is the new rock'n'roll, things are going to change. We're going to get "Topless Golf" on the Babestation channel, "Golfers' Wives" on Five and a bad lookalike in a porn film called something like "Tiger's favourite holes". I fear that golfing widows will also now be a little more suspicious of the "men only" rule at the local golf club.

I imagine that, on closer inspection, they will find the rule is actually "no wives" and that the clubhouses of suburbia are actually hothouses of passion and sexual intrigue. I'm pretty sure there will be an upsurge in women joining clubs. Some will be wives keeping an eye on their previously unsuspected husbands. Others will be single women eager to tap into this new reservoir of available men.

Tiger will soon have to come out of his self-imposed hermitage and face the world. His PR people are most likely planning the thing now. I'm pretty sure that we'll see him on Oprah weeping his heart out and blaming his "sex addiction" on his constant proximity to balls. He will claim to be undergoing treatment and will then release a brand of condoms called "Woodies". These will become so successful that Tiger will go on to develop some branded balls known as "Gonads". Having been dropped by all his current sponsors, he'll take up with new commercial partners that include Spearmint Rhino, Hooters and Vaseline. I'm off now – there's a hookers and harlots night at the golf club – got to limber up.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: 3rd Line Virtualisation, Windows & Server Engineer

£40000 - £47000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A 3rd Line Virtualisation / Sto...

Recruitment Genius: Refrigeration and Air Conditioning Service Engineer

£26000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A successful national service f...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Executive / Sales - OTE £25,000

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join ...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator - Fixed Term Contract

£17500 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We currently require an experie...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Jack Warner  

Fifa corruption: Strip Qatar of the World Cup? Not likely

Tom Peck
Army reservist Corporal James Dunsby  

Whether it’s in the City, the Army or at school, this ritual sadism has to stop

Chris Blackhurst
Syria civil war: Meet the military commander who says his soldiers will not rest until every inch of their war torn country is free of Islamist 'terrorists'

‘We won’t stop until Syria is back to normal’

Near the front lines with Islamist-controlled towns where Assad’s troops were besieged just last month, Robert Fisk meets a commander confidently preparing his soldiers for battle
The inside story of how Bill Clinton built a $2bn global foundation may undermine Hillary's chances

The inside story of how Bill Clinton built a $2bn global foundation...

... and how it may undermine Hillary's chances in 2016
12 best olive oils

Extra-virgin, cold-press, early-harvest, ultra-premium: 12 best olive oils

Choosing an olive oil is a surprising minefield. Save yourself the hassle with our handy guide
Sepp Blatter resignation: The beginning of Fifa's long road to reform?

Does Blatter's departure mean Fifa will automatically clean up its act?

Don't bet on it, says Tom Peck
Charles Kennedy: The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

Charles Kennedy was consistently a man of the centre-left, dedicated to social justice, but was also a champion of liberty and an opponent of the nanny-state, says Baroness Williams
Syria civil war: The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of this endless conflict

The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of Syria's endless civil war

Sahar Qanbar lost her mother and brother as civilians and government soldiers fought side by side after being surrounded by brutal Islamist fighters. Robert Fisk visited her
The future of songwriting: How streaming is changing everything we know about making music

The future of songwriting

How streaming is changing everything we know about making music
William Shemin and Henry Johnson: Jewish and black soldiers receive World War I Medal of Honor amid claims of discrimination

Recognition at long last

Jewish and black soldiers who fought in WWI finally receive medals after claims of discrimination
Beating obesity: The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters

Beating obesity

The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters
9 best women's festival waterproofs

Ready for rain: 9 best women's festival waterproofs

These are the macs to keep your denim dry and your hair frizz-free(ish)
Cycling World Hour Record: Nervous Sir Bradley Wiggins ready for pain as he prepares to go distance

Wiggins worried

Nervous Sir Bradley ready for pain as he prepares to attempt cycling's World Hour Record
Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

On your feet!

Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

The big NHS question

Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

Thongs ain't what they used to be

Big knickers are back