45 Things To Do In England (To Confirm You’d Rather Go Abroad)

VisitEngland has come up with a list of 101 Things To Do In England. On the evidence of the list, the reasons for staying put are not compelling.

Share

It is St George’s Day, and the English Tourist Board, or VisitEngland as it now prefers to be known, has found a new way to exploit England’s national day for marketing purposes. It has come up with a list of 101 Things To Do In England (Before You Go Abroad). This weekend, 51 of these things have tantalisingly been released as an early teaser, and they are to be followed by another 50 on the day itself.

On the evidence of the list, the reasons for not going abroad are not compelling. Before thinking of a foreign holiday, we should “have “a truly English cuppa” in Cornwall, or visit Blackpool Illuminations. Or perhaps enjoy “a night on the Toon in lively Newcastle”.

Reading it, many people are likely to respond to the rather bossy instruction contained in VisitEngland’s name, with the question: “Do we really have to?” For them, purely in the interests of balance, here are 45 Things To Do In England (To Confirm That You’d Really Rather Go Abroad):

Good Old London Town

1. Take a traditional ride in a black London cab and forget to leave a tip.

2. Mingle with tourists in Piccadilly Circus station.

3. Join a coach party and go to The Mousetrap.

4. Visit a traditional West End comedy and remind yourself of the marvellous English sense of humour however unfunny the jokes may be.

5. Got to Madame Tussauds and try to work out who the waxworks represent.

6. Put on a pin-striped suit and join an Occupy London demonstration in the City.

7. Experience the new English café culture, drinking a watery cappuccino as lorries thunder by on the Euston Road.

8. Study the varieties of English fighting dog being exercised in a turd-covered park in east London.

9. Discuss with one of the dog-owners if his two pit-bulls, as they tear a cat apart, shouldn’t be on a lead.

10. Get beaten up.

11. Engage first-hand with the famous National Health crisis at the local A & E.

National Life

12. Attend parliamentary Question Time when Nick Clegg and Harriet Harman are facing up to one another.

13. Go to a Ukip conference under the guise of a Romanian employment agency.

14. Attend one of the regular parliamentary inquiries into MPs, bankers and journalists held at Westminster.

15. Watch a Carol Vorderman photo-call as she unveils her tightest dress yet.

16. See Noel Edmonds driving his private black cab with a fake woman passenger in the back.

17. Attend a 10-hour David Icke event at Wembley Arena.

18. Try to get a ticket for the finals of the much-coveted Rear of the Year contest.

The World of Sport

19. Sit among Millwall fans during a game against Leeds or “The Vermin” West Ham.

20. Enjoy Royal Ascot’s Ladies Day, known as “No-Knickers Day” in some circles, with fights, champagne, groping and general high spirits among young executives and reality-show celebrities.

21. Dogging in the Thetford Forest.

22. The combination of football and martial arts that is Sunday League football on the Hackney Marshes.

23. The Oxford and Cambridge boat race.

Culture and Heritage

24. A “Britain Has the Best TV in the World” evening, featuring classic re-runs of Top Gear, My Family and Downton Abbey.

25. Get spanked at the recently opened 50 Shades of Grey Amusement Dungeon.

26. Watch opera beneath the giant wind turbine at Glyndebourne.

27. Go to the Colindale Press Library and spend a full day reading the thoughts of our greatest press moralists: Melanie Phillips, Liz Jones, Jeremy Clarkson and Amanda Platell.

28. Watch a re-run of the latest Stephen Poliakoff extravaganza on the BBC.

29. Shed a tear at the Princess Diana Memorial Museum at Althorp.

Out and about

30. Go to a beach.

31. Compare it to the beaches you have visited abroad.

32. Stay at a traditional English bed-and-breakfast.

33. Ask for an electric fire in the room.

34. Enquire as to whether it would be possible to have linen rather than nylon sheets on the bed.

35. Request croissants for breakfast.

36. Get beaten up again.

37. Challenge yourself to drive around London in under six hours during the rush hour on the famous M25.

38. Enjoy a traditional pub crawl on a Saturday night.

39. Discover how one can sleep surprisingly well in a urine-soaked gutter.

Country Life

40. Go on a shopping trip to Tesco.

41. Go on a shopping trip to a nearby High Street recently destroyed by Tesco.

42. Watch some hedge-grubbing, a traditional activity of arable farmers.

43. Go to a cattle market where dairy herds are being sold off for slaughter.

44. Join a slow-moving queue of dead-eyed locals waiting for lottery tickets at a village shop.

45. Experience a bus ride by booking a train ticket for a Sunday.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

KS2 Teacher

£90 - £120 per day + tax deductable expenses: Randstad Education Leicester: At...

Finance Officer

£80 - £160 per day: Randstad Education Birmingham: Finance Officer with Educat...

Primary Teacher

£100 - £130 per day + Excellent rates of pay, Free CPD: Randstad Education Sou...

Supply Teachers Required

£100 - £130 per day + Excellent rates of Pay, Excellent CPD : Randstad Educati...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

In Sickness and in Health: It’s been lonely in bed without my sleep soulmate

Rebecca Armstrong
Alexander Fury: The designer names to look for at fashion week this season

The big names to look for this fashion week

This week, designers begin to show their spring 2015 collections in New York
Will Self: 'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

Will Self takes aim at Orwell's rules for writing plain English
Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Toy guns proving a popular diversion in a country flooded with the real thing
Al Pacino wows Venice

Al Pacino wows Venice

Ham among the brilliance as actor premieres two films at festival
Neil Lawson Baker interview: ‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.

Neil Lawson Baker interview

‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.
The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
The model of a gadget launch: Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed

The model for a gadget launch

Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed
Alice Roberts: She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

Alice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
Get well soon, Joan Rivers - an inspiration, whether she likes it or not

Get well soon, Joan Rivers

She is awful. But she's also wonderful, not in spite of but because of the fact she's forever saying appalling things, argues Ellen E Jones
Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

A fresh take on an old foe

Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

As the collections start, fashion editor Alexander Fury finds video and the internet are proving more attractive
Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy

Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall...

... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy
Weekend at the Asylum: Europe's biggest steampunk convention heads to Lincoln

Europe's biggest steampunk convention

Jake Wallis Simons discovers how Victorian ray guns and the martial art of biscuit dunking are precisely what the 21st century needs
Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Lying is dangerous and unnecessary. A new book explains the strategies needed to avoid it. John Rentoul on the art of 'uncommunication'
Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough? Was the beloved thespian the last of the cross-generation stars?

Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough?

The atomisation of culture means that few of those we regard as stars are universally loved any more, says DJ Taylor