45 Things To Do In England (To Confirm You’d Rather Go Abroad)

VisitEngland has come up with a list of 101 Things To Do In England. On the evidence of the list, the reasons for staying put are not compelling.

Share

It is St George’s Day, and the English Tourist Board, or VisitEngland as it now prefers to be known, has found a new way to exploit England’s national day for marketing purposes. It has come up with a list of 101 Things To Do In England (Before You Go Abroad). This weekend, 51 of these things have tantalisingly been released as an early teaser, and they are to be followed by another 50 on the day itself.

On the evidence of the list, the reasons for not going abroad are not compelling. Before thinking of a foreign holiday, we should “have “a truly English cuppa” in Cornwall, or visit Blackpool Illuminations. Or perhaps enjoy “a night on the Toon in lively Newcastle”.

Reading it, many people are likely to respond to the rather bossy instruction contained in VisitEngland’s name, with the question: “Do we really have to?” For them, purely in the interests of balance, here are 45 Things To Do In England (To Confirm That You’d Really Rather Go Abroad):

Good Old London Town

1. Take a traditional ride in a black London cab and forget to leave a tip.

2. Mingle with tourists in Piccadilly Circus station.

3. Join a coach party and go to The Mousetrap.

4. Visit a traditional West End comedy and remind yourself of the marvellous English sense of humour however unfunny the jokes may be.

5. Got to Madame Tussauds and try to work out who the waxworks represent.

6. Put on a pin-striped suit and join an Occupy London demonstration in the City.

7. Experience the new English café culture, drinking a watery cappuccino as lorries thunder by on the Euston Road.

8. Study the varieties of English fighting dog being exercised in a turd-covered park in east London.

9. Discuss with one of the dog-owners if his two pit-bulls, as they tear a cat apart, shouldn’t be on a lead.

10. Get beaten up.

11. Engage first-hand with the famous National Health crisis at the local A & E.

National Life

12. Attend parliamentary Question Time when Nick Clegg and Harriet Harman are facing up to one another.

13. Go to a Ukip conference under the guise of a Romanian employment agency.

14. Attend one of the regular parliamentary inquiries into MPs, bankers and journalists held at Westminster.

15. Watch a Carol Vorderman photo-call as she unveils her tightest dress yet.

16. See Noel Edmonds driving his private black cab with a fake woman passenger in the back.

17. Attend a 10-hour David Icke event at Wembley Arena.

18. Try to get a ticket for the finals of the much-coveted Rear of the Year contest.

The World of Sport

19. Sit among Millwall fans during a game against Leeds or “The Vermin” West Ham.

20. Enjoy Royal Ascot’s Ladies Day, known as “No-Knickers Day” in some circles, with fights, champagne, groping and general high spirits among young executives and reality-show celebrities.

21. Dogging in the Thetford Forest.

22. The combination of football and martial arts that is Sunday League football on the Hackney Marshes.

23. The Oxford and Cambridge boat race.

Culture and Heritage

24. A “Britain Has the Best TV in the World” evening, featuring classic re-runs of Top Gear, My Family and Downton Abbey.

25. Get spanked at the recently opened 50 Shades of Grey Amusement Dungeon.

26. Watch opera beneath the giant wind turbine at Glyndebourne.

27. Go to the Colindale Press Library and spend a full day reading the thoughts of our greatest press moralists: Melanie Phillips, Liz Jones, Jeremy Clarkson and Amanda Platell.

28. Watch a re-run of the latest Stephen Poliakoff extravaganza on the BBC.

29. Shed a tear at the Princess Diana Memorial Museum at Althorp.

Out and about

30. Go to a beach.

31. Compare it to the beaches you have visited abroad.

32. Stay at a traditional English bed-and-breakfast.

33. Ask for an electric fire in the room.

34. Enquire as to whether it would be possible to have linen rather than nylon sheets on the bed.

35. Request croissants for breakfast.

36. Get beaten up again.

37. Challenge yourself to drive around London in under six hours during the rush hour on the famous M25.

38. Enjoy a traditional pub crawl on a Saturday night.

39. Discover how one can sleep surprisingly well in a urine-soaked gutter.

Country Life

40. Go on a shopping trip to Tesco.

41. Go on a shopping trip to a nearby High Street recently destroyed by Tesco.

42. Watch some hedge-grubbing, a traditional activity of arable farmers.

43. Go to a cattle market where dairy herds are being sold off for slaughter.

44. Join a slow-moving queue of dead-eyed locals waiting for lottery tickets at a village shop.

45. Experience a bus ride by booking a train ticket for a Sunday.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Account Manager

£20000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This full service social media ...

Recruitment Genius: Data Analyst - Online Marketing

£24000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We are 'Changemakers in retail'...

Austen Lloyd: Senior Residential Conveyancer

Very Competitive: Austen Lloyd: Senior Conveyancer - South West We are see...

Austen Lloyd: Residential / Commercial Property Solicitor

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: DORSET MARKET TOWN - SENIOR PROPERTY SOLICITOR...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Tony Abbott: A man most Australian women would like to pat on the back...iron in hand

Caroline Garnar
Australian rapper Iggy Azalea performs in California  

Hip hop is both racial and political, and for Iggy Azalea to suggest otherwise is insulting

Yomi Adegoke
Isis in Iraq: Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment by militants

'Jilan killed herself in the bathroom. She cut her wrists and hanged herself'

Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment
Ed Balls interview: 'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'

Ed Balls interview

'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'
He's behind you, dude!

US stars in UK panto

From David Hasselhoff to Jerry Hall
Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz: What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?

Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz

What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?
Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Planet’s surface is inhospitable to humans but 30 miles above it is almost perfect
Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

Autism-friendly theatre

Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all
The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

Sony suffered a chorus of disapproval after it withdrew 'The Interview', but it's not too late for it to take a stand, says Joan Smith
From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?

Panto dames: before and after

From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?
Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Booksellers say readers are turning away from dark modern thrillers and back to the golden age of crime writing
Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best,' says founder of JustGiving

Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best'

Ten million of us have used the JustGiving website to donate to good causes. Its co-founder says that being dynamic is as important as being kind
The botanist who hunts for giant trees at Kew Gardens

The man who hunts giants

A Kew Gardens botanist has found 25 new large tree species - and he's sure there are more out there