If you ask me, with respect to the recent research revealing the signs you are getting older – dressing for comfort rather than style; listening to Radio 2 etc – I would like to counteract it with my own recent research revealing the signs you still have it, baby, and have it in spades, whatever anyone might say. To check if you still have it, baby, and have it in spades, whatever anyone might say, these are the things to look out for:
You recently went a whole week without visiting John Lewis.
You think seven cats is enough for anyone; eight at the most, if you’re going to keep it happening and funky around here.
You don’t feel compelled to pinch the cheeks of every young man you encounter.
You wear an edgy Cath Kidston dressing gown rather than one of those ghastly, pink nylon quilted things.
You are not frightened of “too much scarf” as everyone knows you can never have “too much scarf”.
You have zero interest in all those expensive mini-tubes of specialist eye creams apart from the one a particular magazine says really, really works, and which may really work, unlike the last one they said really, really works, but didn’t.
You have never heard of Ecco shoes and do not know that they have a shop on Long Acre, right next to Covent Garden tube.
You are not frightened of “too much floral scarf around the neck” as you can never have “too much floral scarf around the neck”.
You can still browse in Topshop and not look like a desperate old lady even though, admittedly, a security guard did once ask if you were lost and looking for Jane Norman.
You only practise what a facelift might look like in the mirror because it’s a fun thing to do for several hours at a time.
You have never heard of Damart thermal underwear and do not know that the website offers next-day delivery.
You are still active sexually and pencil it in for every fourth Saturday, whether you are in the mood or not.
You know young lads only offer you their seat on the Tube because they fancy you and imagine they might pull. (In your dreams, pal! I don’t de-scarf for just anybody!)
See? See? See how you still have it, baby, and have it in spades, whatever anyone might say? And now you can go about your business, happy in mind and body.
No, there is no need to drop me a thank-you note although, on the other hand, perhaps that is only good manners, and polite?