Coffee shop laptop snobbery

Ever feel a little bit insecure about the size of your laptop?

Share
Related Topics

Standing in the queue of an illustrious independent coffee shop, used mainly by those who wear only the finest brogues and locally famed for its high-quality coffee, I stand fourth from the front and contemplate a brownie.

In my left hand, the debit card, poised and waiting so as to not disrupt the hushed speed and order of it all. In my right, a battered, stained laptop case.

Flat white upon me, it’s out the door, fast. It’s nearly always to go. I can’t possibly sit down at one of the tables this time and get out my supermarket-bought beast, however fast Intel say the processor is. However clean the screen, or mesmerisingly serene the Brighton sea horizon wallpaper may be.

For upon each and every croissant prison today – and so often – sit those who wear the glasses without prescription; the colourful trousers and the abundant rings tap-tapping upon those pure and sightly keys. Those perfect, ultra-sensitive keys that sing sweet creativity through every touch. Mine merely sound as if denting plastic in some new-age blacksmiths.

How could I sit next to all these graphic designers and PR consultants? Curse and strain as the monster comes out of its lair – poorly fitted to the interior of its case and already humming a loud and oppressive delirium of torment amidst the otherwise church-like atmosphere. Not to mention the likelihood of a coffee spillage. ‘Why do you care?’ The others would question, as tears drip into china. ‘It’s for the best,’ they’d exclaim. ‘It’s Microsoft.’

Yes, wouldn’t we all love a MacBook Air. The sheer concupiscence they bring about to those without isn’t worth hiding. Those gentle, sensual lines that show the world you’re smooth. The speed, the elegance. How they match charity shop-bought blouses; polo shirts so slim in fit that you expect said gentleman to turn into an asparagus at any second.

It’s somewhat diminishing at times, as well as beautiful socially awkward, to brashly remove a laptop worth £400 in a shop that might be mistaken for an Apple store. On all too many occasions have I forgotten to turn off the sound and upon opening cast a Windows welcome booming across the café. Startled heads turn and question the profanity. Why must they endure such impertinence, they probably mull.

‘Laptops in coffee shops’ was an issue a few years ago. Should the cafés allow the website designers and such to sit for hours on one purchase, when there’s the distinct possibility a group of yummy mummies would happily occupy the spot with prams, soya lattes and granola aplenty? And muffins with seeds on top that people actually think are good for them? These were trying times.

Now though, laptops are commonplace and as much a piece of furniture as the brown chairs based on 70s Italian chic and endless photos of farmers who are supposed to give the impression of ‘fair trade.’ But because of this seamless modernisation, where laptops, iPads and Kindles replace papers, books and caricature artists, a new, laptop snobbery has formed. Noses are turned upwards at the ghastly sight of a four, colourful squares flashing in the corner.

Maybe it’s because only ‘creatives’ use coffee shops to work in. And how on earth can you be one of those without a Mac? I’m not disputing their worth, but why should a regular old laptop hinder emotional stability when sitting down to a burnt meatball ‘panini’ and a double-shot Americano? We Microsoft users are a minority in this field, a down-trodden one at that.

On so many occasions have I sat and stuck out like a sore thumb, as spectacles gaze transfixed that somebody with a Toshiba could possibly think to join them in their ethical palace of artistry. Dare to tarnish the hub of Spotify playlists and Instagram.

Well, as much as a Mac elevates you up the coffee shop social scale, those without should not be made to feel unwanted by the elite. Recently, I’ve taken to making sure my Windows opener is on full blast every time.  Made sure to hit shift so hard those nearby think they’re sitting next to a five-year-old playing a cheap keyboard. For a MacBook does not elevate you to to coffee shop brilliance.

So move up with your cinnamon latte, please. It’s December. Yes, this is a dusty Toshiba and I’m going to sit here and write about you. And that’s not how you spell Hamas, by the way, before you tweet that sentiment.  

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Administrative Assistant / Order Fulfilment

£14000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An exciting opportunity to join a thrivi...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

Recruitment Genius: Production Operative

£13000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to a period of sustained an...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Syria's Kurds have little choice but to flee amid the desolution, ruins and danger they face

Patrick Cockburn
A bartender serves two Mojito cocktails  

For the twenty-somethings of today, growing up is hard to do

Simon Kelner
Refugee crisis: David Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia - will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi?

Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia...

But will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi, asks Robert Fisk
Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Humanity must be at the heart of politics, says Jeremy Corbyn
Joe Biden's 'tease tour': Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?

Joe Biden's 'tease tour'

Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?
Britain's 24-hour culture: With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever

Britain's 24-hour culture

With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever
Diplomacy board game: Treachery is the way to win - which makes it just like the real thing

The addictive nature of Diplomacy

Bullying, betrayal, aggression – it may be just a board game, but the family that plays Diplomacy may never look at each other in the same way again
8 best children's clocks

Tick-tock: 8 best children's clocks

Whether you’re teaching them to tell the time or putting the finishing touches to a nursery, there’s a ticker for that
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

The Arab Spring reversed

Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

Who is Oliver Bonas?

It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

60 years of Scalextric

Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

Why are we addicted to theme parks?

Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

Iran is opening up again to tourists

After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there