Coffee shop laptop snobbery

Ever feel a little bit insecure about the size of your laptop?

Share
Related Topics

Standing in the queue of an illustrious independent coffee shop, used mainly by those who wear only the finest brogues and locally famed for its high-quality coffee, I stand fourth from the front and contemplate a brownie.

In my left hand, the debit card, poised and waiting so as to not disrupt the hushed speed and order of it all. In my right, a battered, stained laptop case.

Flat white upon me, it’s out the door, fast. It’s nearly always to go. I can’t possibly sit down at one of the tables this time and get out my supermarket-bought beast, however fast Intel say the processor is. However clean the screen, or mesmerisingly serene the Brighton sea horizon wallpaper may be.

For upon each and every croissant prison today – and so often – sit those who wear the glasses without prescription; the colourful trousers and the abundant rings tap-tapping upon those pure and sightly keys. Those perfect, ultra-sensitive keys that sing sweet creativity through every touch. Mine merely sound as if denting plastic in some new-age blacksmiths.

How could I sit next to all these graphic designers and PR consultants? Curse and strain as the monster comes out of its lair – poorly fitted to the interior of its case and already humming a loud and oppressive delirium of torment amidst the otherwise church-like atmosphere. Not to mention the likelihood of a coffee spillage. ‘Why do you care?’ The others would question, as tears drip into china. ‘It’s for the best,’ they’d exclaim. ‘It’s Microsoft.’

Yes, wouldn’t we all love a MacBook Air. The sheer concupiscence they bring about to those without isn’t worth hiding. Those gentle, sensual lines that show the world you’re smooth. The speed, the elegance. How they match charity shop-bought blouses; polo shirts so slim in fit that you expect said gentleman to turn into an asparagus at any second.

It’s somewhat diminishing at times, as well as beautiful socially awkward, to brashly remove a laptop worth £400 in a shop that might be mistaken for an Apple store. On all too many occasions have I forgotten to turn off the sound and upon opening cast a Windows welcome booming across the café. Startled heads turn and question the profanity. Why must they endure such impertinence, they probably mull.

‘Laptops in coffee shops’ was an issue a few years ago. Should the cafés allow the website designers and such to sit for hours on one purchase, when there’s the distinct possibility a group of yummy mummies would happily occupy the spot with prams, soya lattes and granola aplenty? And muffins with seeds on top that people actually think are good for them? These were trying times.

Now though, laptops are commonplace and as much a piece of furniture as the brown chairs based on 70s Italian chic and endless photos of farmers who are supposed to give the impression of ‘fair trade.’ But because of this seamless modernisation, where laptops, iPads and Kindles replace papers, books and caricature artists, a new, laptop snobbery has formed. Noses are turned upwards at the ghastly sight of a four, colourful squares flashing in the corner.

Maybe it’s because only ‘creatives’ use coffee shops to work in. And how on earth can you be one of those without a Mac? I’m not disputing their worth, but why should a regular old laptop hinder emotional stability when sitting down to a burnt meatball ‘panini’ and a double-shot Americano? We Microsoft users are a minority in this field, a down-trodden one at that.

On so many occasions have I sat and stuck out like a sore thumb, as spectacles gaze transfixed that somebody with a Toshiba could possibly think to join them in their ethical palace of artistry. Dare to tarnish the hub of Spotify playlists and Instagram.

Well, as much as a Mac elevates you up the coffee shop social scale, those without should not be made to feel unwanted by the elite. Recently, I’ve taken to making sure my Windows opener is on full blast every time.  Made sure to hit shift so hard those nearby think they’re sitting next to a five-year-old playing a cheap keyboard. For a MacBook does not elevate you to to coffee shop brilliance.

So move up with your cinnamon latte, please. It’s December. Yes, this is a dusty Toshiba and I’m going to sit here and write about you. And that’s not how you spell Hamas, by the way, before you tweet that sentiment.  

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Associate Recrutiment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: SThree Group have been well ...

Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + OTE: SThree: Real Staffing Group is seeking Traine...

Year 6 Teacher (interventions)

£120 - £140 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: We have an exciting opportunity...

PMLD Teacher

Competitive: Randstad Education Manchester: SEN Teacher urgently required for ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Letter from the Political Editor: Cameron's unexpected tax pledges give the Tories home advantage

Andrew Grice
President Barack Obama walks with U.S. Secret Service agents to Air Force One at Los Angeles International Airport in Los Angeles, Calif., May 8, 2014.  

Obama's Secret Service has become sloppy with its delusions of Hollywood grandeur

David Usborne
Italian couples fake UK divorce scam on an ‘industrial scale’

Welcome to Maidenhead, the divorce capital of... Italy

A look at the the legal tourists who exploited our liberal dissolution rules
Time to stop running: At the start of Yom Kippur and with anti-Semitism flourishing, one Jew can no longer ignore his identity

Time to stop running

At the start of Yom Kippur and with anti-Semitism flourishing, one Jew can no longer ignore his identity
Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

The vintage series has often been criticised for racial stereotyping
An app for the amorous: Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?

An app for the amorous

Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?
Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid. Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?

Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid

Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?
Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

After a few early missteps with Chekhov, her acting career has taken her to Hollywood. Next up is a role in the BBC’s gangster drama ‘Peaky Blinders’
She's having a laugh: Britain's female comedians have never had it so good

She's having a laugh

Britain's female comedians have never had it so good, says stand-up Natalie Haynes
Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LED lights designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows

Let there be light

Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LEDs designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows
Great British Bake Off, semi-final, review: Richard remains the baker to beat

Tensions rise in Bake Off's pastry week

Richard remains the baker to beat as Chetna begins to flake
Paris Fashion Week, spring/summer 2015: Time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris

A look to the future

It's time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris
The 10 best bedspreads

The 10 best bedspreads

Before you up the tog count on your duvet, add an extra layer and a room-changing piece to your bed this autumn
Arsenal vs Galatasaray: Five things we learnt from the Emirates

Arsenal vs Galatasaray

Five things we learnt from the Gunners' Champions League victory at the Emirates
Stuart Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

This deal gives England a head-start to prepare for 2019 World Cup, says Chris Hewett
Ebola outbreak: The children orphaned by the virus – then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection

The children orphaned by Ebola...

... then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection
Pride: Are censors pandering to homophobia?

Are censors pandering to homophobia?

US film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence