Fat tax on planes? Try this for an airline...

Good evening and welcome to Andy West airlines. This is your pilot speaking.

Share

Dr Bharat P Bhatta has caused a right old dust-up, after suggesting that fat passengers should pay more for flights, because of the fact that heaving their weighty bottoms into the air burns up a greater amount of fuel.

Writing in this month's Journal of Revenue and Pricing Management (a publication every bit as exciting and unpredictable as an Alexander McCall Smith novel), he suggests lighter passengers should also receive a discount. 'Hear, hear!' I say.

In fact good old I Can't Believe It's Not Bhatta has given me the inspiration and drive I needed to set up my own airline! Yes, there'll be additional charges for plump passengers as well as discounts for guys with long legs. I reckon it'd be a runway success. Get it? Please have your boarding cards ready...

Good evening and welcome to Andy West airlines. This is your pilot speaking.

Might I take a moment to acquaint you with a few of the airline's in-flight benefits and policies? You will have appreciated our passenger-filtering system before boarding the plane. Those who queued unnecessarily at the gate despite having seat reservations have each received their complimentary slap from the crew on boarding the plane.

Those pretending a suitcase is hand luggage have now had their suitcases removed to the rear of the plane and chucked out of the door. If you have already reclined your seat, even though you haven't been on the plane five minutes, you will now receive a second complimentary slap from a crew member.

You will be pleased to see our crew members are, in fact, the Swedish national football team - apart from the one who looks like a dangerous egg. Unfortunately their uniforms have been mislaid so they have no choice but to work in their pants.

Andy West Airlines has now loaded all luggage into the hold. I don't know if there was a pet in the cat box. If there was, it's dead. Get over it. This is a plane not Noah's ark.

We are now fully tanked up and so is the plane so we shall be taxiing to the runway very shortly.

Please note that all mobile phones must now be switched off. Business calls during the flight will result in me personally hunting you down and choking you with a microwaved panini.

Parents travelling with young children should be aware that we do not permit any shouting or crying during our flights. Such behavior will lead to your entire family being locked in the noisy family cupboard for the remainder of the journey. It is small and cold. I suggest you keep your Jemimas and Jacks quiet or drug them.

To those unfortunate enough to sit in front of a child who has not been brought up properly, please inform a member of the crew immediately if the back of your chair is kicked. The offending child will have their legs confiscated and ejected from the plane. You will be aware that we do not permit babies on our aeroplanes because they're babies and why the hell would you take a baby on a long-haul flight in the first place anyway? If you have smuggled a baby onto this flight and it starts to cry, we will find it and you will go into the noisy family cupboard. If there is not any space in the noisy family cupboard, then the baby will be ejected from the plane immediately along with the legs.

The use of the toilets is strictly monitored. No passenger can spend more than four minutes in the cubicles. If you take longer than that, the doors will automatically open and you will be forced to join the back of the queue mid-poo. If you are taking drugs in there, please be careful not to waste any. The toilets are not for those wishing to join the mile high club. That is, unless you are Dean and Sarah from Wigan in seats H10 and 11. We'll be filming you. Those wishing to see a selection of voyeuristic short films taped during the in-bound flight from Los Angeles might wish to peruse our exclusive channel: LAXtube.

The seats on this flight can recline but we ask that you refrain from waggling your chair back and forth incessantly for the entire flight. Be aware that you are not the only human being on Planet Earth and there is someone sitting behind you and it's more than likely they have legs. If you are found to be inconsiderately reclining your seat, a member of the crew will be employed to pour your drinks on your lap and pummel your face with a hard, scratchy cushion for the remainder of the flight.

Finally – and I will be reiterating this as we approach Mykonos – can I remind all passengers that, on landing, they are not to unbuckle and stand from their seats while the plane is still in motion. There is no need to engage in a race to see who can retrieve their belongings first. Nor is there any sense in standing in the aisles before we have reached the terminal. Anyone guilty of premature evacuation will be tasered. Please do not applaud when the plane lands. You are an adult. Grow up.

We have now been given permission to make our way to the runway. To everyone on board, please enjoy your flight with Andy West Airlines. There will be no safety presentation because it's a waste of everybody's time and frankly the world would be better off without you.

I'm told the weather in Mykonos is hot. There may be no return flight. I wish you a very comfortable journey.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Law Costs

Highly Attractive Salary: Austen Lloyd: BRISTOL - This is a very unusual law c...

Junior VB.NET Application Developer (ASP.NET, SQL, Graduate)

£28000 - £30000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Junior VB.NET ...

C# .NET Web Developer (ASP.NET, JavaScript, jQuery, XML, XLST)

£40000 - £50000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# .NET Web De...

Clinical Negligence Solicitor

Highly Competitive Salary: Austen Lloyd: HAMPSHIRE MARKET TOWN - A highly attr...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The power of anonymity lies in the freedom it grants

Boyd Tonkin
Rebel fighters walk in front of damaged buildings in Karam al-Jabal neighbourhood of Aleppo on August 26, 2014.  

The Isis threat must be confronted with clarity and determination

Ed Miliband
Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

A fresh take on an old foe

Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
Ukraine crisis: The phoney war is over as Russian troops and armour pour across the border

The phoney war is over

Russian troops and armour pour into Ukraine
Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

The world’s entire food system is under attack - and Britain is most at risk, according to a new study
Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Seoul's plastic surgery industry is booming thanks to the popularity of the K-Pop look
From Mozart to Orson Welles: Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

After the death of Sandy Wilson, 90, who wrote his only hit musical in his twenties, John Walsh wonders what it's like to peak too soon and go on to live a life more ordinary
Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Fears are mounting that Vladimir Putin has instructed hackers to target banks like JP Morgan
Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years

Salomé: A head for seduction

Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years. Now audiences can meet the Biblical femme fatale in two new stage and screen projects
From Bram Stoker to Stanley Kubrick, the British Library's latest exhibition celebrates all things Gothic

British Library celebrates all things Gothic

Forthcoming exhibition Terror and Wonder: The Gothic Imagination will be the UK's largest ever celebration of Gothic literature
The Hard Rock Café's owners are embroiled in a bitter legal dispute - but is the restaurant chain worth fighting for?

Is the Hard Rock Café worth fighting for?

The restaurant chain's owners are currently embroiled in a bitter legal dispute
Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival

In search of Caribbean soul food

Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival
11 best face powders

11 best face powders

Sweep away shiny skin with our pick of the best pressed and loose powder bases
England vs Norway: Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Lack of Englishmen at leading Premier League clubs leaves manager hamstrung
Angel Di Maria and Cristiano Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

Di Maria and Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

They both inherited the iconic shirt at Old Trafford, but the £59.7m new boy is joining a club in a very different state
Israel-Gaza conflict: No victory for Israel despite weeks of death and devastation

Robert Fisk: No victory for Israel despite weeks of devastation

Palestinians have won: they are still in Gaza, and Hamas is still there
Mary Beard writes character reference for Twitter troll who called her a 'slut'

Unlikely friends: Mary Beard and the troll who called her a ‘filthy old slut’

The Cambridge University classicist even wrote the student a character reference