If I were Prime Minister: I'd make sure football tickets were cheap and that beer was even cheaper

Our series in the run-up to the General Election – 100 days, 100 contributors, but no politicians – continues with the comedian and impressionist

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Football is all fun and games until ticket prices are through the roof. And right now, they're an outrage.

If I were Prime Minister, the price of football tickets would drop to reasonable levels. No one would pay more than £30 to see Premier League football, £20 to see Championship and £10 for League 1. Tickets to League 2 games would be free.

Regulation of ticket prices would be enforced with brutality, no questions asked. I’d grant the police new powers to effectively take over football clubs, too, so if they did try to raise prices they’d be forced to give up their clubs completely.

In fact, if I were PM, Britain would be restored to a 90s view of what it should be – low football prices and all. The national anthem would change to ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ by Oasis. Noel Gallagher would naturally become lifetime president, and Liam could be chief of police. The whole monarchy would be replaced with Oasis. Honestly they would probably be less offensive and better behaved.

I’d also bring back Tony Blair, who would essentially be Prime Minister but under a different name. He’d have a code name to conceal his role, but he would still be running the country in secret.

With Blair in place, Britain would return to economic growth and be respected abroad. We'd have better paid jobs, better public services. The health and education would improve at the same historic rate it did as when he was PM.

Together Blair and I would lead Britain through an interventionist-type foreign policy – essentially Blairism on the global stage. We’d strengthen the size of Europe, but would never join the euro under any circumstances. The Union would be harmoniously intact, the result of my own personal tour of Scotland and making Deacon Blue ambassadors for Britain.

Furthermore, I’d give away fruit and vegetables on the street, you know, to make sure it was freely available to everyone.

It would go something like this: Do you want a carrot, mate? There you go, there's an apple. If they wanted an apple, that is. The apple is obviously not for someone who wanted a carrot.

I’d make sure the giveaways were visible and not tucked away in a food bank. The government would pay for it, or it would sponsored by local businesses, and people would be healthier for a change.

It might not be free beer, but I would work on that, too. Truthfully, I just want all the things I like to be cheaper. That is pretty much what everyone wants in politics, isn't it? Cheaper football tickets, cheaper food and cheaper beer.

Matt Forde is on a UK tour with his stand-up show 24 Hour Political Party People: www.mattforde.com

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