If you ask me... Don’t knock a man who falls asleep in front of the TV and then denies it

Perhaps this IS the time to stick up for those poor fools

(Alamy)

If you ask me, all this fuss in recent days about the depiction of men on television and in advertising as hopeless and useless and dim-witted, and you know what? I am entirely on their side.

Poor men. True, they still effectively run the world, and have all the economic power, but is that any excuse? Just because men have been cruising along while women have, for the past century, put in serious work thinking about what it means to be a woman, is that any reason to now treat them as if they’re only useful for opening stubborn jars and reaching high shelves? Is it any excuse for pointing and laughing while, having had every advantage since the very beginning of time, expecting them to simply suck it up? Is it?

So, to redress this horrible, vile trend, let me tell you about some of the things men are brilliant at and which women will never even be vaguely competent at, no matter how hard we might try. Here you are:

* Men are brilliant at coming home and reporting so-and-so has had a baby without ever having enquired about sex, weight or name.

* Men are brilliant at raiding your greeting cards drawer, which is why you receive a card you have bought yourself every birthday.

* Men are brilliant at falling asleep in front of the television and then denying it – “I wasn’t asleep!” – and maintaining to this day that they saw The Shawshank Redemption through to the end when “he went to the electric chair”.

* Men are brilliant at answering the phone and almost instantly saying: “I’ll pass you over to your mother.”

* Men are brilliant at showing you their secret inside pockets, and offering a guided tour.

* Men are brilliant at coming home and reporting that they bumped into someone who knows you, Janice, who sends her love, even though you do not know a Janice, have never known a Janice, and it is only after he has broken down under intense questioning – what does her hair look like? Is her dog called Betty? – he will accept that it could have been Leslie, maybe.

* Men are brilliant at insisting that they have to be missing for 24 hours before they will declare themselves lost.

* Men are brilliant at never taking a bag with them to the shops.

* Men are brilliant at saying they’re not mind-readers.

* Men are brilliant at having “short cuts” which take longer than the regular route.

So, all I’m saying, is lay off men, as it’s hurtful, and unnecessary, and as for Homer Simpson being a bad role model for fatherhood, yes, awful. A dad who obviously loves his kids and sticks around? How far-fetched and ridiculous is that?