If you ask me... moral outrage ought to be something you can buy in shops, just like Nick Clegg does

Our writer explains why she's not having much success on Twitter


If you ask me, it occurred to me recently that I’m such a Twitter fail because I just don’t have sufficient moral outrage and so can never get properly worked up about anything.

Perhaps I had moral outrage once, but left it somewhere? On a train, perhaps? I am always leaving things on trains, like gloves and umbrellas. But when  I contacted the Lost Property people they said while they are, it’s true, awash with gloves and umbrellas they’ve yet to ever have any moral outrage handed in. Actually, that’s not strictly the case. They did recently find  some moral outrage to do with gay marriage, but as I didn’t recognise it as ever having been mine, I could not rightly claim it.

Still, I did helpfully suggest that a committed Christian was sure to turn up for it shortly. It’s not as if they are not going to notice it’s missing, after all.

So, moral outrage – and how to get some. Are there shops? Be good if there were because then I could pop in and have the assistant say: “You have come to the right place. We are the moral outrage specialists and all our moral outrage is handmade here in Britain, unlike the moral outrage that is bought in cheaply from Taiwan and is rubbish. Nick Clegg always buys the cheapest moral outrage and he’s lucky if it lasts the week. Then, once it’s fallen apart, it’s as if he doesn’t want to remember ever owning it! He just looks all sheepish and uncomfortable should you bring it up! Now, what sort of moral outrage are you after, exactly?”

I would ask to be talked through all that was available. “OK,” the assistant will say. “We have moral outrage that is 50 per cent moral and 50 per cent outrage, or we have the finer, three-ply moral outrage that is one per cent moral and 99 per cent outrage and is made from the soft, downy underbelly of Simon Heffer. It’s dry-clean only, alas, but really does the business. You’ll constantly be in a lather of fury, and we can even backdate it so you can have it in for the BBC from the very day you were born.”

At this point, I would say I wasn’t ready for moral outrage at that strength, and did they have anything more entry-level? Did they have a “Mildly Fired Up If I Have The Energy” range? This would, I think, suit me best – I’m already hoping to get mildly fired up about badgers – but I don’t know. I probably won’t have the energy so it’ll be a waste of the money I could have otherwise spent on an expensive face cream that doesn’t bloody work... hey, it may be working already!

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Finance Director

£65000 - £80000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Finance Director required to jo...

Recruitment Genius: Medico-Legal Assistant

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a unique opportunity fo...

Ashdown Group: (PHP / Python) - Global Media firm

£50000 per annum + 26 days holiday,pension: Ashdown Group: A highly successful...

The Jenrick Group: Quality Inspector

£27000 per annum + pension + holidays: The Jenrick Group: A Quality Technician...

Day In a Page

Read Next

The Interview cancelled: From supporting the Ku Klux Klan to appeasing the Nazis, Hollywood has a rich history of caving in

Boyd Tonkin
A female US soldier eats breakfast while on tour in Afghanistan  

All’s fair in love and war? Not until female soldiers can join the men on the front line

Rosie Millard
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'You look for someone who's an inspiration and try to be like them'

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Could cannabis oil reverse the effects of cancer?

Could cannabis oil reverse effects of cancer?

As a film following six patients receiving the controversial treatment is released, Kate Hilpern uncovers a very slippery issue
The Interview movie review: You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here

The Interview movie review

You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here
Serial mania has propelled podcasts into the cultural mainstream

How podcasts became mainstream

People have consumed gripping armchair investigation Serial with a relish typically reserved for box-set binges
Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up for hipster marketing companies

Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up

Kevin Lee Light, aka "Jesus", is the newest client of creative agency Mother while rival agency Anomaly has launched Sexy Jesus, depicting the Messiah in a series of Athena-style poses
Rosetta space mission voted most important scientific breakthrough of 2014

A memorable year for science – if not for mice

The most important scientific breakthroughs of 2014
Christmas cocktails to make you merry: From eggnog to Brown Betty and Rum Bumpo

Christmas cocktails to make you merry

Mulled wine is an essential seasonal treat. But now drinkers are rediscovering other traditional festive tipples. Angela Clutton raises a glass to Christmas cocktails
5 best activity trackers

Fitness technology: 5 best activity trackers

Up the ante in your regimen and change the habits of a lifetime with this wearable tech
Paul Scholes column: It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves

Paul Scholes column

It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves
Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Club World Cup kicked into the long grass by the continued farce surrounding Blatter, Garcia, Russia and Qatar
Frank Warren column: 2014 – boxing is back and winning new fans

Frank Warren: Boxing is back and winning new fans

2014 proves it's now one of sport's biggest hitters again
Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas