If you ask me...I'm sticking with my 'twosie' - a more toilet-friendly outfit by far

Here's my review of 2012: A lot of stuff happened. It was marvellous

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The Independent Online

If you ask me, the first thing I need to do now I have returned is give you my review of last year – stuff happened; wasn’t it marvellous? – and, of course, I must offer you my preview of the year ahead (more stuff will happen; won’t it be great?) and now on to other matters, most notably this craze for something called a “onesie”. Apparently, this Christmas, the onesie proved even more popular than the “slanket”, a sort of blanket with arms, and which is only like wearing your dressing gown back to front, but there you have it. If people are willing to pay for something which is only like wearing your dressing gown back to front, who am I to tell them they are brilliantly stupid, and why don’t they just put a sock on their hand, and call it a smitten? It just isn’t my place.

Now, on to the onesie, which I have heard praised to the skies from all quarters. A onesie is cosy. A onesie is just the sort of thing to curl up in. A onesie is so comfortable. A onesie is all the joy that 100 per cent polyester has to give. A onesie may come with animal ears and a tail, and isn’t that cute? Isn’t that adorable? Haven’t you always wished to be a bear or a tiger or a zebra? Isn’t that something you’ve been yearning for all your adult life?

Personally, though, I have yet to own a onesie and I hope and pray I will never own a onesie because – am I the only one to have ever thought about this? Has the whole world gone mad apart from me?...because... do correct me if I’m wrong... because YOU EFFECTIVELY HAVE TO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES TO GO TO THE TOILET! Right? I am right, aren’t I? It can’t work any other way, can it?

So when I think of onesies, I don’t think of warmth and cosiness and curling up like a cute, furry, fleecy animal and all the joy polyester has to give, I think of people sitting naked and cold on a toilet and feeling, I reckon, rather lonely. It may even be the loneliest place in the world, what with your onesie down by your ankles and everything. Not so great being a zebra now, is it?

So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to stick to the twosie, a top and bottoms, which is the way God intended and, what the hell, on cold days I’m even going to up it to a threesie and put a jumper on top, and then a sixie, if I add socks. Heck, on an average winter day, I’m probably wearing a seventeensie, and don’t look like a creepy infant at all, but you know what? I can live with that. I truly can.