If you ask me, I feel I have always been here for you, whatever, and have, on your behalf, answered some of the most difficult questions faced by mankind, but when I asked for something in return? Nothing.
As you may recall, although probably don’t, being as selfish as you are, at this exact time last year I requested help rather urgently. “Help,” I cried. “I’m about to surrender to the fleece which, I know, will mean I’ve come to the end of the road, style-wise. It’ll be game up, end of, no point pretending, not least to myself, that I am of a fashionable persuasion. Come over. Right Now. And talk me out of it. Please.” But did you? You did not.
And so, in the absence of any remonstrations, I have, yes, surrendered. I have done the deed, admitted defeat, lain down my arms and handed over the money (£14.99) for one from the cheap Japanese clothing chain of choice, Uniqlo (black). And isn’t it just as I predicted? Hasn’t it worked out just as I said it would, unless you came round? Didn’t I swear to myself I would “only wear it home”, but haven’t I worn it every day and everywhere since, bar the red-carpet premiere of Skyfall, but only because I wasn’t invited?
Plus – and this is quite the worst part – do I love it? I so do. It’s warm, it’s cosy and it’s reversible so, get this, whichever way it is taken off at night, it’s the right way in the morning! Magical! I had no idea 100 per cent polyester could be so sublime. I’m even thinking the fleece may be polyester’s greatest moment. And although I’d heard rumours they come out of the washing machine practically dry, I did not believe it, but now I have witnessed it for myself? Spectacular. Miraculous.
The first time I washed my fleece, I actually took it round to both neighbours and said: “What do you notice?” They said: “Nothing”. So I said: “It’s only just come out of the machine, but feel! Practically dry!” And: “No more hanging wool jumpers all over the radiators!”, and then I talked them through its reversible qualities, as everyone should know about those ... See? See? See what you’ve done? Proud of yourselves? Happy, now I’ve surrendered to the one garment that, more than any other, represents the complete triumph of comfort over style?
It’s the last time I will ever call on you for help unless, that is, I quite fancy a pair of Ecco boots with a nice breathable footbed, which I find I quite do. You’d better get over here quick.