If you ask me...There's a part of me that just doesn't want to know about this 'designer vagina' trend

My vagina flinched, recoiled, baulked and would have absconded, I think, had I not had the presence of mind I always show in such instances, and sat on it, firmly

Share

If you ask me, how my poor old vagina flinched when it first heard the news that labiaplasty – an operation to tidy up the labia in pursuit of a “designer vagina” – is now the third-most popular cosmetic procedure in the UK. Yes, it flinched, recoiled, balked and would have absconded, I think, had I not had the presence of mind I always show in such instances, and sat on it, firmly.

“Labiaplasty, why?” asked my vagina. “Why, why, why?” I sat on it even more firmly – last time my vagina ran away, it got terribly lost on the Tube, and I had to pick it up from Piccadilly Circus – while doing my best to calm it down.

“Shhh,” I said soothingly. “There, there.” “But who is to say,” it cried, “they won’t be coming for me next? Who is to say the next knock at the door and I won’t be carted away to a place where they’ll come at my labia with knives! What if they put in a zip and PVC lining and do away with me altogether? Quick, hide me in the attic, and just throw in a bit of cheese every now and then!”

My vagina, alas, would not be soothed, and I don’t know whether you’ve ever experienced an agitated and frightened vagina, but it is thoroughly exhausting. “I am what I am,” it repeatedly cried. “Do what I do and look like what I look like and now my looks aren’t good enough? Is there a vagina you’d prefer me to look like? Holly Willoughby’s vagina? Cheryl Cole’s vagina?”

“Oh, vagina,” I sighed. “Give it a rest.” It would not. “Didn’t I always say this would happen –that women would never be allowed to run out of body parts to hate?” it continued. “Didn’t I always say it’s going to end in women conspiring in their own genital mutilation, at a starting cost of around £3,000?” God, my vagina can’t half go on. Yak, yak, yak. You get it going on the pornification and Barbie-fication of the female body, and there’s no stopping it until it suddenly changes tack and comes over all sentimental and whiny.

“Hey,” it will whine. “We’ve had some good times over the years, haven’t we? We’ve given some great camel toe, haven’t we? Labia come in all shapes and sizes but it’s not as if mine have ever hung down between your legs, like hefty drapes that need tie-backs, is it? We are OK, right?”

In the end, if only for a bit of peace and quiet, I promised my vagina I would not allow it to be put under the knife. “Thanks,” it said. “And in return, I promise: no thrush until 2016.”

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Sustainability Manager

Competitive: The Green Recruitment Company: Job Title: Scheme Manager (BREEAM)...

Graduate Sustainability Professional

Flexible, depending on experience: The Green Recruitment Company: Job Title: T...

Programme Director - Conduct Risk - London

£850 - £950 per day: Orgtel: Programme Director - Conduct Risk - Banking - £85...

Project Coordinator/Order Entry, SC Clear

£100 - £110 per day: Orgtel: Project Coordinator/Order Entry Hampshire

Day In a Page

Read Next
Former N-Dubz singer Tulisa Contostavlos gives a statement outside Southwark Crown Court after her trial  

It would be wrong to compare brave Tulisa’s ordeal with phone hacking. It’s much worse than that

Matthew Norman
The Big Society Network was assessed as  

What became of Cameron's Big Society Network?

Oliver Wright
Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy': A land of the outright bizarre

Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy'

A land of the outright bizarre
What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

‘Weird Al’ Yankovic's latest video is an ode to good grammar. But what do The Independent’s experts think he’s missed out?
Can Secret Cinema sell 80,000 'Back to the Future' tickets?

The worst kept secret in cinema

A cult movie event aims to immerse audiences of 80,000 in ‘Back to the Future’. But has it lost its magic?
Facebook: The new hatched, matched and dispatched

The new hatched, matched and dispatched

Family events used to be marked in the personal columns. But now Facebook has usurped the ‘Births, Deaths and Marriages’ announcements
Why do we have blood types?

Are you my type?

All of us have one but probably never wondered why. Yet even now, a century after blood types were discovered, it’s a matter of debate what they’re for
Honesty box hotels: You decide how much you pay

Honesty box hotels

Five hotels in Paris now allow guests to pay only what they think their stay was worth. It seems fraught with financial risk, but the honesty policy has its benefit
Commonwealth Games 2014: Why weight of pressure rests easy on Michael Jamieson’s shoulders

Michael Jamieson: Why weight of pressure rests easy on his shoulders

The Scottish swimmer is ready for ‘the biggest race of my life’ at the Commonwealth Games
Some are reformed drug addicts. Some are single mums. All are on benefits. But now these so-called 'scroungers’ are fighting back

The 'scroungers’ fight back

The welfare claimants battling to alter stereotypes
Amazing video shows Nasa 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action

Fireballs in space

Amazing video shows Nasa's 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action
A Bible for billionaires

A Bible for billionaires

Find out why America's richest men are reading John Brookes
Paranoid parenting is on the rise - and our children are suffering because of it

Paranoid parenting is on the rise

And our children are suffering because of it
For sale: Island where the Magna Carta was sealed

Magna Carta Island goes on sale

Yours for a cool £4m
Phone hacking scandal special report: The slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

The hacker's tale: the slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

Glenn Mulcaire was jailed for six months for intercepting phone messages. James Hanning tells his story in a new book. This is an extract
We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

Child abusers are not all the same, yet the idea of treating them differently in relation to the severity of their crimes has somehow become controversial
The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

For instance, did Isis kill the Israeli teenagers to trigger a war, asks Patrick Cockburn