If you ask me...There's a part of me that just doesn't want to know about this 'designer vagina' trend

My vagina flinched, recoiled, baulked and would have absconded, I think, had I not had the presence of mind I always show in such instances, and sat on it, firmly

Share

If you ask me, how my poor old vagina flinched when it first heard the news that labiaplasty – an operation to tidy up the labia in pursuit of a “designer vagina” – is now the third-most popular cosmetic procedure in the UK. Yes, it flinched, recoiled, balked and would have absconded, I think, had I not had the presence of mind I always show in such instances, and sat on it, firmly.

“Labiaplasty, why?” asked my vagina. “Why, why, why?” I sat on it even more firmly – last time my vagina ran away, it got terribly lost on the Tube, and I had to pick it up from Piccadilly Circus – while doing my best to calm it down.

“Shhh,” I said soothingly. “There, there.” “But who is to say,” it cried, “they won’t be coming for me next? Who is to say the next knock at the door and I won’t be carted away to a place where they’ll come at my labia with knives! What if they put in a zip and PVC lining and do away with me altogether? Quick, hide me in the attic, and just throw in a bit of cheese every now and then!”

My vagina, alas, would not be soothed, and I don’t know whether you’ve ever experienced an agitated and frightened vagina, but it is thoroughly exhausting. “I am what I am,” it repeatedly cried. “Do what I do and look like what I look like and now my looks aren’t good enough? Is there a vagina you’d prefer me to look like? Holly Willoughby’s vagina? Cheryl Cole’s vagina?”

“Oh, vagina,” I sighed. “Give it a rest.” It would not. “Didn’t I always say this would happen –that women would never be allowed to run out of body parts to hate?” it continued. “Didn’t I always say it’s going to end in women conspiring in their own genital mutilation, at a starting cost of around £3,000?” God, my vagina can’t half go on. Yak, yak, yak. You get it going on the pornification and Barbie-fication of the female body, and there’s no stopping it until it suddenly changes tack and comes over all sentimental and whiny.

“Hey,” it will whine. “We’ve had some good times over the years, haven’t we? We’ve given some great camel toe, haven’t we? Labia come in all shapes and sizes but it’s not as if mine have ever hung down between your legs, like hefty drapes that need tie-backs, is it? We are OK, right?”

In the end, if only for a bit of peace and quiet, I promised my vagina I would not allow it to be put under the knife. “Thanks,” it said. “And in return, I promise: no thrush until 2016.”

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Trainee Consultant - Surrey/ South West London

£22000 per annum + pension,bonus,career progression: Ashdown Group: An establi...

Ashdown Group: Trainee Consultant - Surrey / South West London

£22000 per annum + pension,bonus,career progression: Ashdown Group: An establi...

Ashdown Group: Recruitment Consultant / Account Manager - Surrey / SW London

£40000 per annum + realistic targets: Ashdown Group: A thriving recruitment co...

Ashdown Group: Part-time Payroll Officer - Yorkshire - Professional Services

£25000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A successful professional services firm is lo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Nicola Sturgeon could have considerable influence over David Cameron in a hung parliament  

General Election 2015: What if Cameron were to end up in hock to the SNP?

Steve Richards
Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

China's influence on fashion

At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

Rainbow shades

It's all bright on the night
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
Welcome to the world of Megagames

Welcome to the world of Megagames

300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

Vince Cable exclusive interview

Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

It's time for my close-up

Meet the man who films great whites for a living
Increasing numbers of homeless people in America keep their mobile phones on the streets

Homeless people keep mobile phones

A homeless person with a smartphone is a common sight in the US. And that's creating a network where the 'hobo' community can share information - and fight stigma - like never before