Jay Z knows about budgets - he was a drug dealer: celebrity advice on narcotics

From Charlie Sheen to Lance Armstrong, what have the rich and famous told us?

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In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Jay Z professed his knowledge regarding budgets owed to his experience as a drug dealer. So what can he, and other celebrity drug experts, teach us about drug use and dealership?

'To be in a drug deal, you need to know what you can spend, what you need to re-up,' said the rapper.

Jay Z’s experience of drugs is heartening to all numbers of people, from the long term unemployed to fresh students. Considering an MA in business? Don’t bother. An apprenticeship? No need. Financial training? Nahh. All you need is a shipment of cocaine and/or crack and you can acquire the skills which will guarantee your success. Budget management, the ability to work to a deadline, people skills and experience in import/export scenarios; you can then put ‘drug dealer’ on your CV.

According to Charlie Sheen, you can alter your constitution through drug use to the extent that you can attain ‘tiger's blood,’ or dazzle partygoers ‘exposing them to magic’. Ultimately you'd be ‘bi-winning’ at life.

Lemmy of Motorhead fame has said that he wouldn’t recommend that young people get on drugs at all - as they’re a gateway to heroin - but also commented that everything apart from heroin goes. Living to sixty-five does seem a miracle, only four years off the life expectancy for an average Iraqi male, who is presumably not on a constant cocktail of drugs. Sectarian violence and speed do not mix well. In the traditional story, the fountain of youth isn’t laced with speed and LSD, but whatever Lemmy is drinking from seems to be working.

If the already thin line between man and beast was less of a line, and more of a shackle on your ambitions, then why not try taking steroids? If you think that sponsorship, medals and international recognition are bourgeois intrusions upon the fields of running or cycling really fast, then steroids are just for you. If Tyson Gay and Lance Armstrong had read the Communist Manifesto, maybe this would have been their defence. Tyson Gay said he was let down by someone he knew. It would have certainly given the doping agencies something to think about, before they stripped the athletes of their medals and chances to compete in what is their entire livelihood.

Finally, you could use your experience to spearhead an initiative to promote abstinence based recovery, like Russell Brand. It is definitely a noble idea, and one which could help a lot of desperate and otherwise abandoned people. However, one can’t help but wonder what Brand, a strict adherent to Darwinism insofar as the widespread distribution of genetic material is concerned, thinks he stands to gain something from the influx of docile, physically weak and emotionally crushed drug users.

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