Jay Z knows about budgets - he was a drug dealer: celebrity advice on narcotics

From Charlie Sheen to Lance Armstrong, what have the rich and famous told us?

Related Topics

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Jay Z professed his knowledge regarding budgets owed to his experience as a drug dealer. So what can he, and other celebrity drug experts, teach us about drug use and dealership?

'To be in a drug deal, you need to know what you can spend, what you need to re-up,' said the rapper.

Jay Z’s experience of drugs is heartening to all numbers of people, from the long term unemployed to fresh students. Considering an MA in business? Don’t bother. An apprenticeship? No need. Financial training? Nahh. All you need is a shipment of cocaine and/or crack and you can acquire the skills which will guarantee your success. Budget management, the ability to work to a deadline, people skills and experience in import/export scenarios; you can then put ‘drug dealer’ on your CV.

According to Charlie Sheen, you can alter your constitution through drug use to the extent that you can attain ‘tiger's blood,’ or dazzle partygoers ‘exposing them to magic’. Ultimately you'd be ‘bi-winning’ at life.

Lemmy of Motorhead fame has said that he wouldn’t recommend that young people get on drugs at all - as they’re a gateway to heroin - but also commented that everything apart from heroin goes. Living to sixty-five does seem a miracle, only four years off the life expectancy for an average Iraqi male, who is presumably not on a constant cocktail of drugs. Sectarian violence and speed do not mix well. In the traditional story, the fountain of youth isn’t laced with speed and LSD, but whatever Lemmy is drinking from seems to be working.

If the already thin line between man and beast was less of a line, and more of a shackle on your ambitions, then why not try taking steroids? If you think that sponsorship, medals and international recognition are bourgeois intrusions upon the fields of running or cycling really fast, then steroids are just for you. If Tyson Gay and Lance Armstrong had read the Communist Manifesto, maybe this would have been their defence. Tyson Gay said he was let down by someone he knew. It would have certainly given the doping agencies something to think about, before they stripped the athletes of their medals and chances to compete in what is their entire livelihood.

Finally, you could use your experience to spearhead an initiative to promote abstinence based recovery, like Russell Brand. It is definitely a noble idea, and one which could help a lot of desperate and otherwise abandoned people. However, one can’t help but wonder what Brand, a strict adherent to Darwinism insofar as the widespread distribution of genetic material is concerned, thinks he stands to gain something from the influx of docile, physically weak and emotionally crushed drug users.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Dublin

£13676.46 - £16411.61 per annum + OTE: SThree: SThree Trainee Recruitment Cons...

Ashdown Group: Marketing or Business Graduate Opportunity - Norwich - £22,000

£18000 - £22000 per annum + training: Ashdown Group: Business and Marketing Gr...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Are you great at building rela...

Ashdown Group: Database Analyst - Birmingham - £22,000 plus benefits

£20000 - £22000 per annum + excellent benefits: Ashdown Group: Application Sup...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Labour leader Ed Miliband unveils Labour's pledges carved into a stone plinth in Hastings  

Election 2015: Smash the two-party system! Smash the voting system!

Armando Iannucci
Tactical voting is a necessary evil of the current first-past-the-post system, where voters vote against what they do not want rather than in favour of what they do  

Election 2015: Voting tactically has become more fraught in new political order

Michael Ashcroft
General Election 2015: Ed Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

He was meant to be Labour's biggest handicap - but has become almost an asset
General Election 2015: A guide to the smaller parties, from the the National Health Action Party to the Church of the Militant Elvis Party

On the margins

From Militant Elvis to Women's Equality: a guide to the underdogs standing in the election
Amr Darrag: Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister in exile still believes Egypt's military regime can be replaced with 'moderate' Islamic rule

'This is the battle of young Egypt for the future of our country'

Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister Amr Darrag still believes the opposition can rid Egypt of its military regime and replace it with 'moderate' Islamic rule, he tells Robert Fisk
Why patients must rely less on doctors: Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'

Why patients must rely less on doctors

Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'
Sarah Lucas is the perfect artist to represent Britain at the Venice Biennale

Flesh in Venice

Sarah Lucas has filled the British pavilion at the Venice Biennale with slinky cats and casts of her female friends' private parts. It makes you proud to be a woman, says Karen Wright
11 best anti-ageing day creams

11 best anti-ageing day creams

Slow down the ageing process with one of these high-performance, hardworking anti-agers
Juventus 2 Real Madrid 1: Five things we learnt, including Iker Casillas is past it and Carlos Tevez remains effective

Juventus vs Real Madrid

Five things we learnt from the Italian's Champions League first leg win over the Spanish giants
Ashes 2015: Test series looks a lost cause for England... whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket

Ashes series looks a lost cause for England...

Whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket, says Stephen Brenkley
Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

China's influence on fashion

At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

Rainbow shades

It's all bright on the night
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power