My name is Dom, and my wife is a grass addict

Share
Related Topics

I suppose it happens to us all at some stage – none of us is safe from addiction and the scary grip it can have on your life. I myself have bravely struggled with an espresso problem for years. It has driven me to terrible depths. I am often to be found at the bottom of the drive hanging around the post box "waiting for the man" – the Nespresso man. This evil bastard now has me in his nefarious clutches. He takes longer and longer to deliver my stash and this affects my moods. I snarl at people who offer me an "eXpresso" – "it's eSpresso" I growl at them like some Stroud stoner watching a yurt guest use a rolling machine for a joint.

All of this, however, is nothing compared to my wife's new addiction. She has become seriously, hooked on lawn care. We live on a farm and so there are no formal gardens as such. But we do have this weird field behind the barns that seems to serve no real purpose and was all overgrown when we arrived. Something about that field triggered a powerful nurturing gene in my wife. She started driving around on the little ride-on mower that the previous person to live here left us. I'd watch her secretly from the kitchen window. She looked a bit weird, like one of those people who build a little train in their garden and ride around wearing a big hat. I made some lunch and brought some out to her, but she wouldn't stop, even for a second.

The obsession got worse and worse – I started calling her "Chufty", which felt like it could be the name of a man who would ride a small train, but she just ignored me. One morning, while I was by the post box waiting for the man, another lawnmower was delivered. According to my wife, she needed this one to do the more subtle parts of the field. I nodded as she was not in a mood to be questioned, but I smelled trouble ahead.

That night when I went to bed, there was no sign of her. Eventually, I looked out of the window and spotted her on the ride-on, holding a torch in her mouth and still mowing. I wandered out and asked her whether she knew what time it was. She told me that she had to finish what she started. I went to bed. She eventually snuck in at around 11.30pm, smelling of diesel. When I awoke she was already gone. It turned out that she felt a strong urge to be the first person into Cheltenham B&Q to purchase a long brush for the grass.

I remember when we went to lunch with a neighbour who was a lawn obsessive. He had a brush that he would use on it before mowing commenced. How we'd howled with laughter at the thought as we drove away. Now she was one of them – a grass botherer. It's been over three weeks now and I'm not sure who to turn to. I found a number for people addicted to grass, but it turned out to be something very different and they thought I was joking. If any readers have a similar problem, please get in touch.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Account Director - Tech Startup - Direct Your Own Career Path

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Telephone Sales Advisor - OTE £35,000

£18000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Telephone Sales Advisor is re...

Recruitment Genius: Appointment Maker - OTE £20,000

£14000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An office based Appointment Mak...

Recruitment Genius: Healthcare Assistant

£7 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This provider of care services is looking for...

Day In a Page

Read Next
George Osborne walks down the stairs from a submarine during a visit to the Royal Navy's submarine base at Faslane on August 31, 2015 in Faslane Scotland  

Sorry George Osborne, but it's Trident that makes us less safe, not Jeremy Corbyn

Kate Hudson
Fighters from Isis parading in Raqqa, northern Syria, where the ‘Islamic State’ has its capital; Iranian-backed Shia militia are already fighting the group on the ground in Iran  

Heartlessness towards refugees is the lifeblood of jihadist groups like Isis

Charlie Winter
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

The Arab Spring reversed

Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

Who is Oliver Bonas?

It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

60 years of Scalextric

Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

Why are we addicted to theme parks?

Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

Iran is opening up again to tourists

After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
10 best PS4 games

10 best PS4 games

Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

‘Can we really just turn away?’

Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

... and not just because of Isis vandalism
Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

Girl on a Plane

An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent