Rate your shag: It's good to see student sex is as bad as ever

Why would any self-respecting person want to go on a website
and detail their sexual conquests? 

Share
Related Topics

I’m so pleased. It’s like a great weight has been lifted from my crotch. I have discovered proof that student sex is every bit as rubbish as it was ten years ago.

These ’Rate Your Shag’ Facebook groups are a life-affirmingly brilliant insight into the stinky jungle of greasy fumblings beneath the annually washed sheets of Britain’s greatest universities.

Yes those fresh-faced students might have painfully fashionable jeans and woolly hats dripping with irony. They might have an adorable quiff that pleases passers-by with breezy recitals of Renaissance poetry and Ed Sheeran lyrics. Perhaps their complexion is extraordinarily smooth as though their faces have been licked by the milky tongue of a unicorn. Maybe that girl does look pretty, even though she’s wearing Deidre Rashid’s glasses. But behind that immaculately-contrived veneer is the good old-fashioned knee-clunking and sense of shame.

Taking a look through these Facebook pages is like a nostalgic meander through my own university memories. The girl who was going to give a lad 10/10 for her night of romance until he revealed the Kakadu Jungle in his pants. She bonked him anyway, natch. The guy whose temporary beloved made noises like Pumba from the Lion King during the crescendo. One boy writes: ‘All I can say is she likes Man City way too much’. I have no idea why that’s relevant but I’m intrigued. There are some truly foul posts that take the phrase ‘washing your dirty laundry in public’ far too literally.

Ah yes, happy days. I remember a friend who was so petrified of a Spanish girl, he told her he couldn’t go to bed because it was cold and he didn’t want to take his trousers off. I will never forget brushing my teeth next to my housemate’s room only to hear – amidst the usual grunting – a very convincing impression of an owl. That being said I wouldn’t have posted any of my own exploits – good or bad - on the Student’s Union message board.

I do think a lot (sorry, showing my age there) a lot of these posts are fake, designed to shame friends or exact revenge on a past fling. And really, why would any self-respecting person want to go on a website and detail their sexual conquests? Because they’re vapid, shallow, thick, self-involved, indiscrete, bored, immature and reckless? Omg, they are like students so like duh! What we have here is a multimedia toilet cubicle.

But how fantastic to know it’s still as depressingly disappointing, messy, thrilling, confusing and embarrassing as it’s always been.

‘not even a cuddle before he passed out, later urinated in my suitcase.’

Facebook have since confirmed that many of the pages have been removed. A spokesman said: “We do not tolerate bullying or harassment. We allow users to speak freely on matters and people of public interest, but take action on all reports of abusive behaviour directed at private individuals."

One thing that really did interest me is the fact that the majority of the truly nasty posts are made by girls. They poke fun at the size of a boy’s manhood or chastise him for looking in the mirror during the act (perhaps you’re a bit ugly?) and generally belittle their conquests. I only mention this because we are often told that young porn-obsessed men are the only ones guilty of base sexual attitudes. Not if you take this bunch of boobed louts into account. Hardly sugar and spice and all things nice.

It’s particularly pathetic and pernicious because you can’t see who the authors are. It’s funny how cruel anonymous people can be (feel free to comment below).

Nonetheless, I can’t rail against these pages. I’m sure some will see them as further condemnation of the next generation and yes they ain’t very judicious or classy. But if you’re going to go out, drink yourself into a frenzy and meander home with some sick-stained stranger for a gonorrhoea gamble…then maybe you don’t care if your performance is aired in public. YOLO.

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Business Systems Analyst (Retail)

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum Up to 20% bonus: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: An...

Head of Digital Marketing,London

To £58k Contract 12 months: Charter Selection: Major household name charity se...

Lead Hand - QC

competitive: Progressive Recruitment: Lead Hand - QCProgressive are recruiting...

Technical Manager / Lead - Mechanical.

£43000 - £45000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: A leading Br...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The daily catch-up: fathers looking after children, World Cup questions and Nostradamus

John Rentoul
 

Letter from the Political Editor: Phone and data laws to be passed in haste

Andrew Grice
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting
Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

In the final part of our series, Chris Green arrives in Glasgow - a host city struggling to keep the politics out of its celebration of sport
Out in the cold: A writer spends a night on the streets and hears the stories of the homeless

A writer spends a night on the streets

Rough sleepers - the homeless, the destitute and the drunk - exist in every city. Will Nicoll meets those whose luck has run out
Striking new stations, high-speed links and (whisper it) better services - the UK's railways are entering a new golden age

UK's railways are entering a new golden age

New stations are opening across the country and our railways appear to be entering an era not seen in Britain since the early 1950s
Conchita Wurst becomes a 'bride' on the Paris catwalk - and proves there is life after Eurovision

Conchita becomes a 'bride' on Paris catwalk

Alexander Fury salutes the Eurovision Song Contest winner's latest triumph
Pétanque World Championship in Marseilles hit by

Pétanque 'world cup' hit by death threats

This year's most acrimonious sporting event took place in France, not Brazil. How did pétanque get so passionate?
Whelks are healthy, versatile and sustainable - so why did we stop eating them in the UK?

Why did we stop eating whelks?

Whelks were the Victorian equivalent of the donor kebab and our stocks are abundant. So why do we now export them all to the Far East?
10 best women's sunglasses

In the shade: 10 best women's sunglasses

From luxury bespoke eyewear to fun festival sunnies, we round up the shades to be seen in this summer
Germany vs Argentina World Cup 2014: Lionel Messi? Javier Mascherano is key for Argentina...

World Cup final: Messi? Mascherano is key for Argentina...

No 10 is always centre of attention but Barça team-mate is just as crucial to finalists’ hopes
Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer knows she needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

18-year-old says this month’s Commonwealth Games are a key staging post in her career before time slips away
The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

The German people demand an end to the fighting
New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
Can scientists save the world's sea life from

Can scientists save our sea life?

By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

Richard III review

Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice