Thank you sexy, mystery drummer of Ireland. You have revealed the true point of Eurovision

The joy of Eurovision – in the UK at least - has never been derived from the deplorable music. The heady emotion-potion it offers is something altogether different

Share

We had been bored by a parade of wailing banshees dressed as toilet roll dollies. We had been pummelled by the unforgivingly banal thought-burps of Scott Mills and Ana Matronic (bring back Paddy O’Connell) and we were treated to a papilio-punctuation of obligatory video inserts (papilio is Latin for butterfly…this makes me seem clever) which offered little and delivered nothing. Then, as I popped open my fourth beer and composed another withering tweet about this year's Eurovision experience, I noticed something from the corner of my eye…indeed, the rest of Europe did the same thing.

There, on screen, was a vision of almost breath-taking beauty. A shirtless Irishman in tight plastic trousers, covered in swirling tattoos, pounding a violent, thunderous beat on the taught goatskin of his bodhran drum.

He was a glistening, kinetic animal from the dawn of time, plucked from the rain-swept Comeragh Mountains. He was a lithe Celtic spirit, a muscled eel spat from the surging spray of the River Clanrye. He was a giant Irish elk, thrumming his powerful, glistening limbs against fate itself. There were two other drummers and a perma-tanned perma-flat singer, but no one cared. 

There was an almost instant Twittergasm. The entire British Eurovision audience (gays and women) went berserk. “Who is that muscled drummer boy?” tweets squeeled. “How do I get to be that drum?”

Here began my search for the true identity of that drummer. And now, after a night of ceaseless googling and telephone calls to agents and publicity Joannas, I can reveal him to be 23-year-old former pantomime performer Colm Farrell (not he of the famous fellatio video), a drummer and dancer from Dublin. In a recent interview he reveals: ‘I’m really looking forward to Friday night. It promises to be really good because it’s not just about the song and dancers, it’s about the whole package.’ You can say that again, Colm.

There are those who would question a singing contest where the main (or only) point of interest is a young, muscly bloke with his shirt off, doing suggestive things with a bodhran drum but I would counter that last night’s Eurovision foreplay and the subsequent drooling over Colm summed up the great joy of the competition…a joy that has never been derived from the deplorable music.

No. The joy of Eurovision – in the UK at least - comes from its power to unite people in their incredulity, confusion, sexual excitement, boredom and derision. For once, this heady emotion-potion comes from a song contest rather than our own pathetic sex lives.

The Irish entry manages to tick all of the above with gusto and that’s precisely why it stood out. The organisers from the Emerald Isle realised they had a terrible song so they stuck some eye-candy on stage to divert people’s attention. It is the diametric opposite of the British approach in 2013. We have some long-forgotten bird from Port Talbot in Miss Piggy’s wig growling through a lacklustre ballad and then (we are promised) being hoisted up into the air and swung about above the stage in touching homage to the Dambusters raid.

I must admit after last year’s utterly awful showing from Engleburp Downyerdrink and the continued tactical voting I vowed never to watch the programme again. But that’s the fun of it really isn’t it? The ability to gripe, mock, lust and moan together whilst slurping our Jacob’s Creek and revelling in how crass, insane and stupid other countries are.

I for one wish Bonnie (by name if not by aesthetic) and young Colm all the very best for Friday. I shall be watching and tweeting vigorously throughout. Social media means we can all share our thoughts instantly which adds a fantastically funny facet to the night. Doubtless Graham Norton will be forced to read out the most vapid tweets on the night: Jess from Wigan tweets: Loving that song. Loving Eurovision. Loving my face. Loving Loving LOL.

Just as the Olympics brought us all together in national pride, so the Eurovision Song Contest 2013 can bring us all together in international derision. How exciting!

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

Recruitment Genius: Production Operative

£13000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to a period of sustained an...

Recruitment Genius: Digital Marketing Content Leader

£22000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This role requires a high level...

Day In a Page

Read Next
A bartender serves two Mojito cocktails  

For the twenty-somethings of today, growing up is hard to do

Simon Kelner
 

Refugee crisis: David Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia - will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi?

Robert Fisk
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

The Arab Spring reversed

Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

Who is Oliver Bonas?

It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

60 years of Scalextric

Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

Why are we addicted to theme parks?

Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

Iran is opening up again to tourists

After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
10 best PS4 games

10 best PS4 games

Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

‘Can we really just turn away?’

Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

... and not just because of Isis vandalism
Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

Girl on a Plane

An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent