Ladies: think back to the last earth-shattering orgasm you had during sex. Your last spine-tingling, sky-exploding, oh-god-my-life-will-never-be-the-same-again climax. Well, you must have imagined the whole thing.
That’s the view of some very clever researchers, anyway, who know far more about your body and the way it likes to be touched that you do, you silly woman. Thanks to their useful observations published in Clinical Anatomy, we now know that there’s no such thing as a vaginal orgasm, a clitoral orgasm or even a G-spot. So whatever you think you have been feeling, you haven't.
No, it appears that the only term we can use to describe the whole glorious gamut of pleasure that women feel is ‘female orgasm’. And don’t even try talking about female ejaculation or G-spot amplification because these are “terms without scientific basis.” Sexy stuff, eh? Because what else are we aiming for in the bedroom if not scientifically accurate labelling?
As a society, we are obsessed with female sexuality. Barely a week goes by without a ground-breaking new study emerging which claims to have solved the ‘mystery’ of why and how women come, and how they can come better and harder than ever. (For the latest example, see today’s announcement that women who eat an apple every day have better sex lives). Ever since the G-spot was ‘discovered’ - by a man, of course - in 1950, scientists have been tying themselves into knots trying to understand and describe exactly what happens in that perpetually captivating place between a woman’s thighs. Multiple orgasms are real; multiple orgasms are a myth; you can orgasm during childbirth (‘ecstatic births’) or while out for a jog (‘coregasms’); sitting down can turn you on; sitting down destroys your libido; women have three erogenous zones; no, four; no, wait…seven; women can make themselves come purely by fantasising; women need to be touched, stroked or played with at all times to even have a hope of reaching their own shuddering finish. It’s a sexual minefield out there.
The fascination with our orgasms apparently stems from the fact that there is no evolutionary reason for a woman to enjoy sex, and therefore it must be a baffling anomaly. Men need to orgasm in order to ensure the continuation of our species, but women – well, frankly, what’s the point of her getting off? All she needs to do, biologically-speaking, is be a willing receptacle.
The best bad sex scenes from books
The best bad sex scenes from books
1/10 Tracking The Tempest - Nicole Peeler
"The first electrical storm passes through her at once, like a break in the clouds, like alliterative quatrains, like wind chimes, freshly mown grass, goat cheese, new car interiors, church choirs, grand slams."
2/10 Eric Reinhardt - The Victoria System
Reinhardt's hero waits "tensed, tortured, for Victoria's palms to start descending once again towards the elastic of [his] underwear."
3/10 Fan Tan - Marlon Brando and Donald Cammell
"He came and he came - we are dealing with a hero here. At one point his lover backed away to inspect the unaltered gush of it, like a plumber saying to a customer, 'Don't blame me. This water supply will stop when the dam's empty'."
4/10 The Stranger at the Palazzo d'Oro - Paul Theroux
"Still I could not tell where her soft skin ended and her silk began, and the complexity of her vaginal lips was like another elaborate silken garment she had put on for me to stroke."
5/10 Ten Storey Love Song - Richard Milward
"Then, Bobby starts scrabbling frantically across the carpet for Mr Condom, sending five or six multicolour Durexes flying through the air, and he struggles getting the packet open and Georgie has to roll Mr Condom down Mr Penis for him and she has to help insert him into Mrs Vagina."
6/10 The Kindly Ones - Jonathan Littell
"I came suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg."
7/10 Lady Chatterley's Lover - DH Lawrence
"For a moment he was still inside her, turgid there and quivering. Then as he began to move, in the sudden helpless orgasm, there awoke in her new strange thrills rippling inside her. Rippling, rippling, rippling, like a flapping overlapping of soft flames, soft as feathers, running to points of brilliance, exquisite and melting her all molten inside."
8/10 House of Earth - Woody Guthrie
"Her body melted into a single note of music to the sky."
9/10 1Q84 - Haruki Murakami
"Her breasts themselves were large, however, and fully ripe. They seemed to be virtually uninfluenced by the force of gravity, the nipples turned beautifully upward, like a vine's new tendrils seeking sunlight."
10/10 The City of Devi - Manil Suri
"Surely supernovas explode that instant, somewhere, in some galaxy. The hut vanishes and with it the sea and the sands – only Karun’s body, locked with mine, remains"
But is the idea of a woman enjoying sex so utterly alien and terrifying that it has to be tested, poked and prodded until it can be satisfactorily explained away as something else entirely? It is really a problem to be solved, based on a series of daft experiments? It's as if we find the concept of women's sexuality so scary that we reduce it in order to cope.
The only thing these studies do is induce feelings of hopeless inadequacy and ensure a nationwide period of a terrible sex, as everyone worries they’ve been doing it disastrously wrong for years. They haven’t found the new 'it' spot; they enjoy something they definitely shouldn’t; and has their partner really been secretly yearning for that?
The universal key to pleasure won’t be stumbled upon in a lab to great fanfare, because it doesn't exist. There isn’t a classified code or magic trick to make all women come that only the world’s greatest lovers have been told. A woman’s body isn’t a complicated computer program that can be unlocked with a special combination of caresses and strokes; there isn’t a one-size fits all manual. And that’s what’s so ridiculous about all these studies: they reduce the vast experience of women’s pleasure, and all the endlessly varied and utterly wonderful elements of it, into a technical box-ticking exercise.
You really want to know the secret to giving great orgasms? Just ask her.Reuse content