The Met Office have warned this will be the most extreme spring on record, how can we prepare?

What the most severe weather in the history of the world ever, ever, EVER tells us about our modern anxiety about virtually everything

Share

There has been something missing from the daily news recently. Among the top headline stories, scandalously few scare stories about the weather have been broadcast. It seems like weeks since we had a severe weather warning from the Meteorological Office.

Frankly, life has been duller as result. There is nothing quite like getting a good walloping from Mother Nature to put our other little worries into perspective. The idea that the worst drought, blizzards or floods since records began are heading our way make us feel small, yet oddly heroic. Few things cheer us up more than that familiar headline, “What on earth is happening to our weather?”

Now a new crisis is on its way. Experts within the Met Office have revealed that a change in global weather systems, with the power to affect human and even animal behaviour, will soon have the entire British Isles in its grip. An early spring warning has been issued.

“We are monitoring the situation day by day from our weather satellite,” a spokesman has said. “While there is no cause for immediate alarm, the indications are that this could be one of the most spring-like of springs on record. We simply want people to be prepared.”

Early symptoms of the new season, technically known as “vernal indicators”, have already been reported in parts of the West and South of England. Past surveys suggest that spring tends to spread north during the coming weeks, losing its potency as it goes. By the time it reaches Scotland, it is often hardly noticeable at all.

The Department of Energy and Climate Change believes that global weather patterns are deepening the effect of spring as the planet gets warmer. On its website, it is warning that 2013 could see one of the most extreme springs for several decades.

The problem with this particular natural crisis, say the experts, is that it tends to take people by surprise. With previous weather alarms, there were measures which could be taken – hosepipe bans, road gritters or sandbags. The slower, more insidious menace of spring-related weather tends to be much more difficult to combat.

What exactly are the dangers? According to the Met Office spokesman, spring can often have a major mood-changing effect on the vulnerable. “Anything can set it off,” he says. “It can be daffodils, or the sight of a swallow, maybe even rabbits climbing on top of each other. Suddenly, people are no longer quite the way they were. They talk to strangers, make unprovoked eye contact, sing in the street, lie down on damp grass. All sorts of inappropriate touching can sometimes take place. One of the problems with spring behaviour is that there’s no logical pattern to it.”

As for how each of us should be prepared for this latest crisis, the Met Office emphasises that it is essential that we watch its weather reports on the news every night. With the weather satellite tracking the situation around the clock, any deepening of the spring threat will cause the current amber alert to be upgraded to red. At that stage, we will be told to take basic precautions.

“Avoid certain songs,” the spokesman advises. “‘Here Comes the Sun’ can pose dangers, as can ‘I Love Paris in the Springtime’. Some people even get affected by ‘The Flowers That Bloom in the Spring, Tra-La’. Then remember to be extra vigilant in your private life. Spring-like behaviour can be passed from person to person, causing inexplicable “highs” and uncontrollable feelings of ridiculous optimism. Rather as in winter we advise against travelling except when it’s strictly necessary, so when spring hits we apply the same advice to meeting new people. Just be sensible – keep it to a minimum.”

Above all, do not panic as the weather changes in the coming weeks. We’ve taken the worst that summer and winter can throw at us. We can surely handle spring.

www.terenceblacker.com

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: SEO Specialist

£21000 - £34000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity for an e...

Recruitment Genius: In House Counsel - Contracts

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This leading supplier of compliance software a...

Recruitment Genius: Associate System Engineer

£24000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The Associate System Engineer r...

Recruitment Genius: Executive Assistant

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: An Executive Assistant is required to join a l...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: personality is so much more important than policies

John Rentoul
Zoe Sugg, aka Zoella, with her boyfriend, fellow vlogger Alfie Deyes  

If children are obese then blame food manufacturers, not Zoella

Jane Merrick
General Election 2015: The masterminds behind the scenes

The masterminds behind the election

How do you get your party leader to embrace a message and then stick to it? By employing these people
Machine Gun America: The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons

Machine Gun America

The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons
The ethics of pet food: Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?

The ethics of pet food

Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?
How Tansy Davies turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

How a composer turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

Tansy Davies makes her operatic debut with a work about the attack on the Twin Towers. Despite the topic, she says it is a life-affirming piece
11 best bedside tables

11 best bedside tables

It could be the first thing you see in the morning, so make it work for you. We find night stands, tables and cabinets to wake up to
Italy vs England player ratings: Did Andros Townsend's goal see him beat Harry Kane and Wayne Rooney to top marks?

Italy vs England player ratings

Did Townsend's goal see him beat Kane and Rooney to top marks?
Danny Higginbotham: An underdog's tale of making the most of it

An underdog's tale of making the most of it

Danny Higginbotham on being let go by Manchester United, annoying Gordon Strachan, utilising his talents to the full at Stoke and plunging into the world of analysis
Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police

Steve Bunce: Inside Boxing

Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police
No postcode? No vote

Floating voters

How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

By Reason of Insanity

Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

Power dressing is back

But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

Caves were re-opened to the public
'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

Vince Cable interview

'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

Promises, promises

But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

The death of a Gaza fisherman

He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat