‘The weight of the resolution I have made is hanging from my neck like a horrible anvil’

Shot after shot, doctor after doctor, we announced resolutions that we would abide by for the next 12 months

Share

I’m still suffering after New Year’s Eve. Not from the drink – although believe me when I say I did drink at least five Desperados and about three ladlefuls of mulled wine. No, what I’m suffering from is the weight of the resolution which I have made and which now hangs from my neck like a horrible little anvil. I twiddle my beard and frown.

As I write this, it is New Year’s Day. I am in my flat, sat against the wall. I haven’t done much since I awoke. Only lamented the events of last night and dragged my laptop over to me by hooking the wire with my boot. I am still wearing my anorak, which is wet, and, when I awoke, I had in my mouth – among other things – a cigarette. It had been smoked – by me? – and was half-glued to my bottom lip with residue, presumably off the back of some kind of Sambuca or WKD, that I had been cajoled into drinking by the doctors with whom I revelled last night. I have just spent 20 minutes scraping mud from my jeans with my Oyster card and now my laptop sits on her master’s lap, and I am “knocking out my column”.

There is a strong smell of fish in the room. I was stone-cold sober when we cooked the fish pie. Me and CDG did it – we poached the s**t out of shrimps and pollocks and capers and eggs in a load of white wine and sherry and buried the little ba**ards under about a foot of mashed potatoes. This was to line the various stomachs of our gang. Though, because of a lack of seasoning, cooking-time and skill, not much got eaten. The word “raw” was thrown about a lot around the table. I can glimpse a few of the pies up through the glass table. Some of the hardier pollocks appear to be swimming drunkenly. Like me, they are dazed. I clutch at my beard.

After the pie we did shots of something or other out of glasses shaped like wellies and then bought alcohol and tobacco from Costcutter. The theory I always abide by on these occasions is that I’ll probably end up drunkenly resolving to give up drinking at some point in the evening so I may as well fill my boots while I’m still a bad person. We poured about £200 worth of grubby liquids into a Bag for Life and paid up. Then The Maniac snogged the shopkeeper, we all did a bit of singing, and we headed off up Parliament Hill.

After some brawling and sparklers we found a good bin to convene around and that was us. Gawping out across London’s famous skyline we drunkenly pointed at The Shard and drooled at the enduring smoothness of St Pauls’s gorgeous dome. It is difficult not to be moved to tears when you’re confronted with a roof that smooth. I’m sure I’d be the same if I ever met Peter Ebdon. I would just weep and wish I could place my hand upon his pate.

And then the resolutions came. Shot after shot, doctor after doctor, we announced resolutions that we would abide by for the next 12 months or potentially more or potentially less. Lord would drink less such and such, Bowls would try harder with her so and so, CDG would etc, etc. It came to me and I ad-libbed something about doing pilates. They challenged me, so I said I’d give up drink. They were pushing me about, too. I’m always losing stuff so I said I might buy a handbag. No one was happy with my resolutions, it was almost New Year. “Shave your beard off,” one shouted.

I think resolutions are personal and should come from the heart. But now they were all chanting mine at me. “Shave your beard!” they yelled. “Shave your beard”. I looked across the cityscape. Fireworks blew into frame. I reflected.

I’m tugging at my beard again now. I’m shivering. I reach for a fistful of pie. I will gather my strength and shave off my beard. Something certainly has to give.

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Mobile App/IOS Developer (C#, ASP.NET, .NET, MVC)

£50000 - £60000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Mobile App/IOS...

Front End Developer-JavaScript, Angular J.S, HTML, CSS, ASP.NET

£40000 - £45000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Front End Deve...

Associate CXL Consultant

£40000 - £60000 per annum + BONUS + BENEFITS: Harrington Starr: CXL, Triple Po...

Associate CXL Consultant

£40000 - £60000 per annum + BONUS + BENEFITS: Harrington Starr: CXL, Triple Po...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Only a game? Far from it

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi speaking at the Grand Mosque in Mosul  

The al-Baghdadi doctrine: leading British Muslims offer their response

Independent Voices
The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

The German people demand an end to the fighting
New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
Can scientists save the world's sea life from

Can scientists save our sea life?

By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

Richard III review

Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice
Hollywood targets Asian audiences as US films enjoy record-breaking run at Chinese box office

Hollywood targets Asian audiences

The world's second biggest movie market is fast becoming the Hollywood studios' most crucial
Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app - and my mum keeps trying to hook me up!'

Grindr founder Joel Simkhai: 'I've found love on my dating app'

Five years on from its launch and Grindr is the world's most popular dating app for gay men. Its founder Joel Simkhai answers his critics, describes his isolation as a child
Autocorrect has its uses but it can go rogue with embarrassing results - so is it time to ditch it?

Is it time to ditch autocorrect?

Matthew J X Malady persuaded friends to message manually instead, but failed to factor in fat fingers and drunk texting
10 best girls' summer dresses

Frock chick: 10 best girls' summer dresses

Get them ready for the holidays with these cool and pretty options 
Westminster’s dark secret: Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together

Westminster’s dark secret

Adultery, homosexuality, sadomasochism and abuse of children were all seemingly lumped together
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Dulce et decorum est - a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

Dulce et decorum est: a life cut short for a poet whose work achieved immortality
Google tells popular music website to censor album cover art in 'sexually explicit content' ban

Naked censorship?

The strange case of Google, the music website and the nudity take-down requests
Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

Howzat! 8 best cricket bats

As England take on India at Trent Bridge, here is our pick of the high-performing bats to help you up your run-count this summer 
Brazil vs Germany World Cup 2014 comment: David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

David Luiz falls from leader figure to symbol of national humiliation

Captain appears to give up as shocking 7-1 World Cup semi-final defeat threatens ramifications in Brazil