It is a story that worsens with every single word: Ukip releases song called “Ukip Calypso” by former Radio 1 DJ Mike Read. Please take a moment to gather yourself. It is likely your psyche has shattered. And you probably haven’t even heard it yet.
I have. It came out of the tiny speakers of my iPhone, which for several minutes became like a remake of Poltergeist: Ukip the ghoul in the television, a ghostly hand thrusting through the glass to snatch the bewitched Carol Anne: me the little girl screaming. We will all soon be Carol Anne. The forces of darkness – by which I mean the media’s conspiracy to elevate Ukip’s omnipresence to a level George Orwell would have described as “a bit bloody much” – will sweep it into the charts on a tidal wave of bigotry and filth, trumpeted by the winged monkeys of fear, reaching the top spot on a river of progressives’ blood. You get the idea. There can be no metaphor too hyperbolic.
The lyrics alone constitute a transgression too far even for a party unencumbered by facts, niceties or cultural enrichment: “The British people have been let down/that's why Ukip is making ground…From Crew to Cleethorpes, Hull to Hendon they don’t believe Cameron’s referendum… Coaliton could be a fact/With any party we could make a pact.” Morrissey need not be worried. And all accompanied by a tinny twangy backing track that may well involve ukuleles. Just don’t tell anyone in Ukip where calypso music comes from. Mass vomiting, not seen since the last exceptionally rough Dover-to-Calais ferry ride will ensue.
We should have seen this coming. It was surely predicted in the Old Testament. I do not currently have the emotional strength to go thumbing through Leviticus but judging by Ukip’s own logic (courtesy of Oxfordshire councilor David Silvester) if gay marriage was the cause of last winter’s flooding, the moment David Cameron decided to limit EU immigration must, in some horrifying celestial sphere, have caused the Ukip single. We are all doomed. Except Farage, of course.
In pictures: The rise of Ukip
In pictures: The rise of Ukip
1/8 1993: Alan Sked forms Ukip
History professor Alan Sked had been active in anti-EU politics for a while beore he founded Ukip in 1993. He resigned from the party after the 1997 election, concerned that it was attracting far-right members, and has been critical of Ukip since. Picture: Reuters
2/8 2005: Kilroy defects
Former TV presenter Robert Kilroy-Silk founded Veritas in 2005, after a failed bid to become leader, and took many of Ukip's elected members with him. But the party slowly lost its popularity and didn't put forward any candidates in the last election. Picture: REUTERS/Kieran Doherty REUTERS KD/RUS
3/8 2010: Farage becomes leader, again
Farage had led Ukip from 2006 until 2009, when he stood down to fight against the Speaker, John Bercow, for his Buckingham seat. He failed to win the election and returned to lead the party in November 2010. Picture: REUTERS/Kieran Doherty
4/8 2010: Ukip fights for election
Nigel Farage was injured in a plane crash on polling day in the 2010 general election, but his party increased its success in the votes. It fielded 572 candidates and took 3.1% of the vote, though failed to win any seats. REUTERS/Darren Staples
5/8 2013: Eastleigh gains
Ukip's candidate Diane James got the highest ever number of votes for any candidate from the party, but was beaten by the Liberal Democrats. The surge in support gave Ukip confidence ahead of local and European elections later in the year. Picture: Reuters
6/8 2013: Bloom kicked out
Godfrey Bloom, who served as an Ukip MEP from 2004 to 2014, had the whip withdrawn in 2013 after sexist comments and an attack on a journalist. He sat as an independent MEP until 2014, when he ended his term in office. Picture: REUTERS/Luke MacGregor
7/8 2014: European election success
Ukip got a higher proportion of the vote than any other party in 2014's European elections, adding 11 new MEPs and taking its total to 24. REUTERS/Luke MacGregor
8/8 2014: Carswell defects
Douglas Carswell defected from Ukip at the end of August, and was followed by Mark Reckless at the end of September, who resigned from the Tories amid rumours of many more defections to come. Picture: REUTERS/Toby Melville
But let us prise ourselves away from the television set and Farage, the mad axeman of British politics, just for a moment. Instead, try to focus on another festering sight: Mike Read. It is tempting to say we should at least be grateful for a Radio 1 DJ that does not consider his listeners sexual targets regardless of age. But that would pander to the masses, a cheap shot worthy of … Ukip.
No, his historic crimes are, almost refreshingly, of a political and musical nature. He rapped at a Tory conference. His smug, banal presenting style helped inspire Smashie and Nicey. And he banned – though latterly denied this – Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s “Relax”. And so, as the airwaves start to fill with the sounds of his cod-Calypso, a noise that even guards at Guantanamo Bay would consider an infringement of human rights, there can be only one antidote. With DJs “ironically” throwing Ukip Calypso on the turntables, as will surely come to pass, we cannot allow evil to triumph. We must instead switch on the sounds of Holly Johnson extolling the joys of man on man back door sex. It is our only hope. Run Carol Anne, run.Reuse content