Were you injured and would like to claim compensation? Get over it!

Just so you know, pretending to have put your back out is, research shows, much less inconvenient than actually putting your back out

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The Independent Online

If you ask me, the story of the policewoman who, called to investigate a suspected burglary, fell over an on-site kerb and is currently suing the owner of the property, certainly adds to the impression we are now a nation drowning in absurd lawsuits brought about by stupid, greedy people with no sense of personal responsibility and, in some instances, a passion for bogus whiplash. (Bogus whiplash is, doctors say, much less painful than non-bogus whiplash so, if you are going to have whiplash, the bogus kind is the one you want.) 

Anyway, I am as fearful of all this litigation as anyone yet hope to, in some way, balance it all out with my own new company, Stuff Happens So Get Over It, which you may already have seen advertised on television, perhaps during the daytime: “Fallen off a ladder? Tripped over a paving stone? Well...Stuff Happens So Get Over It!”

You may contact us directly at Stuff Happens So Get Over It, where our operators are specially trained to laugh at all mishaps while rolling their eyes, or we may randomly phone you, probably while you are having your dinner, or bathing the baby, to ask if any stuff has happened to you in the past three years, and if you would like to simply get over it without having to go to the bother of affecting any physical ailments or mental anguish or giving every appearance of being a stupid, greedy person.

Our tips for getting over it, after stuff has happened, include simple measures such as shrugging it off or distracting yourself with a jigsaw puzzle, to more dramatic courses of action like sitting down for a minute and reflecting on whether you are the sort of total arse who raises insurance premiums for everyone plus costs the taxpayer monies that can be ill-afforded and could be far better spent elsewhere.

If, on reflection, you discover you are exactly this kind of person, we will accept that Stuff Happens So Get Over It probably isn’t a good match for you, and will, of course, also be most sorry to hear you have put your back out. (Just so you know, pretending to have put your back out is, research shows, much less inconvenient than actually putting your back out.)

So, please, please, please do contact Stuff Happens So Get Over It if you would ever like to be talked out of doing something stupidly greedy or greedily stupid, although don’t assume that, having read this, I am against the “compensation culture” per se. As it is, I would dearly love a PPI refund, and do hope someone phones me out of the blue about this, but what are the chances? Seriously?