World Sleep Day: Big spoon or little spoon? No spooning for me

I can't imagine a less comfortable way of sleeping than pressed up against another person's big, sweaty body with my left arm wedged under their shoulder

Related Topics

There is an increasingly popular and deeply troubling trend going on between the nation's sheets.

A particular bedroom position which is fast taking hold of lusty people nationwide. It is intimate, sweaty, cramp-inducing and uncomfortable. They call it 'Spooning'.

In the old days, the most common question to be asked on location-based instant gay dating applications was: do you top or a bottom? (Nothing to do with buses). Now, it's: are you a big spoon or a little spoon? To which, I am forced to reply: Versatile.

The other day I asked my colleague what she loved most about her new boyfriend. 'Oh,' she said, 'It's just nice to go to bed after a long, stressful day and just chat and spoon'...

*Blank face. Blink. Blink. Walk away.*

What the hell are we coming to? What is this obsession with spooning all of a sudden? Perhaps, in all future encounters, we should leave the lubricants behind and just bring hot milk, teddy bears and jim-jams.

I actually receive regular messages from people I have never met saying: Hey. Wanna spoon? Has the government started putting unicorn fluff in the water? Is the whole of society doing one huge sexual Benjamin Button?

I can't imagine a less comfortable way of sleeping than pressed up against another person's big, sweaty body with my left arm wedged under their shoulder and my nethers being regularly warmed by their nighttime bum-whispers.

The last time I found myself playing the big spoon, the guy fell asleep straight away and I was left trapped, debating whether I should wake him up or start cutting through my forearm with my swiss army knife like in 127 Hours. In the end, I just lay there for hours, feeling my arm slowly wither and die. By the next morning it was nothing more than a numb lump of flesh much like Liza Minnelli.

The spooning position you take doesn't seem to be dictated by your height. I recently had a man the size of an elf insist that he was the big spoon. I looked at him. I waited for the laughter. No. He was serious. I'm 6 foot 2. He was so short, hedgehogs would kick him in the face. When we spooned it was like wearing a bustle. I now know what eucalyptus trees feel like. Please watch this. Koalas, koalas, koalas! My new favourite phrase.

I guess there's something nice about that feeling of security, warmth and togetherness but really, I need my space! My sleeping position is loose and expressive. It is a violent nighttime dance; a mix of Rambert and kickboxing. I am a squashed badger. I am a worm on a hook. I am a prawn. I am a starfish. I am the chalk line where the victim fell. My sleep is kinetic and there's the serious risk I might inadvertently impale my sleeping partner with a hypnic jerk.

To channel my favourite philosopher, Carrie Bradshaw....last night, as I lay in bed with my body pressed against the back of a near-stranger like an incestuous foetal twin I got to thinking: if he's spooning me, does that make me his yoghurt?

Perhaps spooning is an evolutionary quirk, dating back to the days when Homo sapiens were forced to live in drafty makeshift shacks with no heating, just like the working class elderly today. Or does the desire to spoon come from a psychological need to make manifest, our security and spiritual bondage?

Spooning doesn't, in reality, make us safe of course. The Romans might have practiced the turtle, but they never attempted the shielded spoon. Nonetheless, I admit there is some sense of security to be gained from nestling into another person's cosy nook.

And there is something comforting about the fact that overtly-sexual apps like Grindr are increasingly populated with wanton spooners. Sure, most of it's about sex still but, even in such an aggressive and animalistic environment, many people still just want a cuddle.

But even so, we have to stop this fetishistic and curdlingly twee obsession with spooning. What happened to this is your side of the bed, that is mine? My mattress is not my cutlery drawer. I am not versatile, I am hostile, and I am nobody's yoghurt. You koalas can keep your spooning, it's time for me to make like a squashed badger. Night night. 

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager (B2B) - Romford - £40,000 + car

£35000 - £40000 per annum + car and benefits: Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager...

Ashdown Group: Helpdesk Analyst - Devon - £20,000

£18000 - £20000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Helpdesk Analyst - Devon - £20,000 ...

Ashdown Group: Data Scientist - London - £50,000 + bonus

£35000 - £50000 per annum + generous bonus: Ashdown Group: Business Analytics ...

Ashdown Group: IT Project Coordinator (Software Development) - Kingston

£45000 - £50000 per annum: Ashdown Group: IT Project Coordinator (Software Dev...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Blunkett joins the Labour candidate for Redcar Anna Turley on a campaigning visit last month  

General Election 2015: Politics is the messy art of compromise, unpopular as it may be

David Blunkett
File: David Cameron offers a toast during a State Dinner in his honour March 14, 2012  

Vote Tory and you’re voting for the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer

Mark Steel
General Election 2015: ‘We will not sit down with Nicola Sturgeon’, says Ed Balls

'We will not sit down with Nicola Sturgeon'

In an exclusive interview, Ed Balls says he won't negotiate his first Budget with SNP MPs - even if Labour need their votes to secure its passage
VE Day 70th anniversary: How ordinary Britons celebrated the end of war in Europe

How ordinary Britons celebrated VE Day

Our perception of VE Day usually involves crowds of giddy Britons casting off the shackles of war with gay abandon. The truth was more nuanced
They came in with William Caxton's printing press, but typefaces still matter in the digital age

Typefaces still matter in the digital age

A new typeface once took years to create, now thousands are available at the click of a drop-down menu. So why do most of us still rely on the old classics, asks Meg Carter?
Discovery of 'missing link' between the two main life-forms on Earth could explain evolution of animals, say scientists

'Missing link' between Earth's two life-forms found

New microbial species tells us something about our dark past, say scientists
The Pan Am Experience is a 'flight' back to the 1970s that never takes off - at least, not literally

Pan Am Experience: A 'flight' back to the 70s

Tim Walker checks in and checks out a four-hour journey with a difference
Humans aren't alone in indulging in politics - it's everywhere in the animal world

Humans aren't alone in indulging in politics

Voting, mutual back-scratching, coups and charismatic leaders - it's everywhere in the animal world
Crisp sales are in decline - but this tasty trivia might tempt back the turncoats

Crisp sales are in decline

As a nation we're filling up on popcorn and pitta chips and forsaking their potato-based predecessors
Ronald McDonald the muse? Why Banksy, Ron English and Keith Coventry are lovin' Maccy D's

Ronald McDonald the muse

A new wave of artists is taking inspiration from the fast food chain
13 best picnic blankets

13 best picnic blankets

Dine al fresco without the grass stains and damp bottoms with something from our pick of picnic rugs
Barcelona 3 Bayern Munich 0 player ratings: Lionel Messi scores twice - but does he score highest in our ratings?

Barcelona vs Bayern Munich player ratings

Lionel Messi scores twice - but does he score highest in our ratings?
Martin Guptill: Explosive New Zealand batsman who sets the range for Kiwis' big guns

Explosive batsman who sets the range for Kiwis' big guns

Martin Guptill has smashed early runs for Derbyshire and tells Richard Edwards to expect more from the 'freakish' Brendon McCullum and his buoyant team during their tour of England
General Election 2015: Ed Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

He was meant to be Labour's biggest handicap - but has become almost an asset
General Election 2015: A guide to the smaller parties, from the the National Health Action Party to the Church of the Militant Elvis Party

On the margins

From Militant Elvis to Women's Equality: a guide to the underdogs standing in the election
Amr Darrag: Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister in exile still believes Egypt's military regime can be replaced with 'moderate' Islamic rule

'This is the battle of young Egypt for the future of our country'

Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister Amr Darrag still believes the opposition can rid Egypt of its military regime and replace it with 'moderate' Islamic rule, he tells Robert Fisk
Why patients must rely less on doctors: Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'

Why patients must rely less on doctors

Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'