World Sleep Day: Big spoon or little spoon? No spooning for me

I can't imagine a less comfortable way of sleeping than pressed up against another person's big, sweaty body with my left arm wedged under their shoulder

Share
Related Topics

There is an increasingly popular and deeply troubling trend going on between the nation's sheets.

A particular bedroom position which is fast taking hold of lusty people nationwide. It is intimate, sweaty, cramp-inducing and uncomfortable. They call it 'Spooning'.

In the old days, the most common question to be asked on location-based instant gay dating applications was: do you top or a bottom? (Nothing to do with buses). Now, it's: are you a big spoon or a little spoon? To which, I am forced to reply: Versatile.

The other day I asked my colleague what she loved most about her new boyfriend. 'Oh,' she said, 'It's just nice to go to bed after a long, stressful day and just chat and spoon'...

*Blank face. Blink. Blink. Walk away.*

What the hell are we coming to? What is this obsession with spooning all of a sudden? Perhaps, in all future encounters, we should leave the lubricants behind and just bring hot milk, teddy bears and jim-jams.

I actually receive regular messages from people I have never met saying: Hey. Wanna spoon? Has the government started putting unicorn fluff in the water? Is the whole of society doing one huge sexual Benjamin Button?

I can't imagine a less comfortable way of sleeping than pressed up against another person's big, sweaty body with my left arm wedged under their shoulder and my nethers being regularly warmed by their nighttime bum-whispers.

The last time I found myself playing the big spoon, the guy fell asleep straight away and I was left trapped, debating whether I should wake him up or start cutting through my forearm with my swiss army knife like in 127 Hours. In the end, I just lay there for hours, feeling my arm slowly wither and die. By the next morning it was nothing more than a numb lump of flesh much like Liza Minnelli.

The spooning position you take doesn't seem to be dictated by your height. I recently had a man the size of an elf insist that he was the big spoon. I looked at him. I waited for the laughter. No. He was serious. I'm 6 foot 2. He was so short, hedgehogs would kick him in the face. When we spooned it was like wearing a bustle. I now know what eucalyptus trees feel like. Please watch this. Koalas, koalas, koalas! My new favourite phrase.

I guess there's something nice about that feeling of security, warmth and togetherness but really, I need my space! My sleeping position is loose and expressive. It is a violent nighttime dance; a mix of Rambert and kickboxing. I am a squashed badger. I am a worm on a hook. I am a prawn. I am a starfish. I am the chalk line where the victim fell. My sleep is kinetic and there's the serious risk I might inadvertently impale my sleeping partner with a hypnic jerk.

To channel my favourite philosopher, Carrie Bradshaw....last night, as I lay in bed with my body pressed against the back of a near-stranger like an incestuous foetal twin I got to thinking: if he's spooning me, does that make me his yoghurt?

Perhaps spooning is an evolutionary quirk, dating back to the days when Homo sapiens were forced to live in drafty makeshift shacks with no heating, just like the working class elderly today. Or does the desire to spoon come from a psychological need to make manifest, our security and spiritual bondage?

Spooning doesn't, in reality, make us safe of course. The Romans might have practiced the turtle, but they never attempted the shielded spoon. Nonetheless, I admit there is some sense of security to be gained from nestling into another person's cosy nook.

And there is something comforting about the fact that overtly-sexual apps like Grindr are increasingly populated with wanton spooners. Sure, most of it's about sex still but, even in such an aggressive and animalistic environment, many people still just want a cuddle.

But even so, we have to stop this fetishistic and curdlingly twee obsession with spooning. What happened to this is your side of the bed, that is mine? My mattress is not my cutlery drawer. I am not versatile, I am hostile, and I am nobody's yoghurt. You koalas can keep your spooning, it's time for me to make like a squashed badger. Night night. 

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Project Manager - Pensions

£32000 - £38000 Per Annum Bonus, Life Insurance + Other Benefits: Clearwater P...

Project Coordinator - Cisco Partner - £110 p/d

£110 per day + competitive: Orgtel: Project Coordinator (SC Cleared), Cisco Go...

KYC Analyst, Birmingham - £200-£250 p/d

£200 - £250 per day + competitive: Orgtel: KYC Analyst, Key Banking Client, Bi...

Test Manager - Banking - Yorkshire - £450 per day

£400 - £500 per day: Orgtel: Test Manager - Banking - West Yorkshire - £400-£5...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The No campaign has a classic advertising problem: they need to turn a negative into a positive

John Hegarty
 

August catch-up: genius of Apple, fools and commercial enterprises, and the Queen

John Rentoul
Ukraine crisis: The phoney war is over as Russian troops and armour pour across the border

The phoney war is over

Russian troops and armour pour into Ukraine
Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

The world’s entire food system is under attack - and Britain is most at risk, according to a new study
Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Seoul's plastic surgery industry is booming thanks to the popularity of the K-Pop look
From Mozart to Orson Welles: Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

After the death of Sandy Wilson, 90, who wrote his only hit musical in his twenties, John Walsh wonders what it's like to peak too soon and go on to live a life more ordinary
Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Fears are mounting that Vladimir Putin has instructed hackers to target banks like JP Morgan
Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years

Salomé: A head for seduction

Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years. Now audiences can meet the Biblical femme fatale in two new stage and screen projects
From Bram Stoker to Stanley Kubrick, the British Library's latest exhibition celebrates all things Gothic

British Library celebrates all things Gothic

Forthcoming exhibition Terror and Wonder: The Gothic Imagination will be the UK's largest ever celebration of Gothic literature
The Hard Rock Café's owners are embroiled in a bitter legal dispute - but is the restaurant chain worth fighting for?

Is the Hard Rock Café worth fighting for?

The restaurant chain's owners are currently embroiled in a bitter legal dispute
Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival

In search of Caribbean soul food

Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival
11 best face powders

11 best face powders

Sweep away shiny skin with our pick of the best pressed and loose powder bases
England vs Norway: Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Lack of Englishmen at leading Premier League clubs leaves manager hamstrung
Angel Di Maria and Cristiano Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

Di Maria and Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

They both inherited the iconic shirt at Old Trafford, but the £59.7m new boy is joining a club in a very different state
Israel-Gaza conflict: No victory for Israel despite weeks of death and devastation

Robert Fisk: No victory for Israel despite weeks of devastation

Palestinians have won: they are still in Gaza, and Hamas is still there
Mary Beard writes character reference for Twitter troll who called her a 'slut'

Unlikely friends: Mary Beard and the troll who called her a ‘filthy old slut’

The Cambridge University classicist even wrote the student a character reference
America’s new apartheid: Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone

America’s new apartheid

Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone