World Sleep Day: Big spoon or little spoon? No spooning for me

I can't imagine a less comfortable way of sleeping than pressed up against another person's big, sweaty body with my left arm wedged under their shoulder

Related Topics

There is an increasingly popular and deeply troubling trend going on between the nation's sheets.

A particular bedroom position which is fast taking hold of lusty people nationwide. It is intimate, sweaty, cramp-inducing and uncomfortable. They call it 'Spooning'.

In the old days, the most common question to be asked on location-based instant gay dating applications was: do you top or a bottom? (Nothing to do with buses). Now, it's: are you a big spoon or a little spoon? To which, I am forced to reply: Versatile.

The other day I asked my colleague what she loved most about her new boyfriend. 'Oh,' she said, 'It's just nice to go to bed after a long, stressful day and just chat and spoon'...

*Blank face. Blink. Blink. Walk away.*

What the hell are we coming to? What is this obsession with spooning all of a sudden? Perhaps, in all future encounters, we should leave the lubricants behind and just bring hot milk, teddy bears and jim-jams.

I actually receive regular messages from people I have never met saying: Hey. Wanna spoon? Has the government started putting unicorn fluff in the water? Is the whole of society doing one huge sexual Benjamin Button?

I can't imagine a less comfortable way of sleeping than pressed up against another person's big, sweaty body with my left arm wedged under their shoulder and my nethers being regularly warmed by their nighttime bum-whispers.

The last time I found myself playing the big spoon, the guy fell asleep straight away and I was left trapped, debating whether I should wake him up or start cutting through my forearm with my swiss army knife like in 127 Hours. In the end, I just lay there for hours, feeling my arm slowly wither and die. By the next morning it was nothing more than a numb lump of flesh much like Liza Minnelli.

The spooning position you take doesn't seem to be dictated by your height. I recently had a man the size of an elf insist that he was the big spoon. I looked at him. I waited for the laughter. No. He was serious. I'm 6 foot 2. He was so short, hedgehogs would kick him in the face. When we spooned it was like wearing a bustle. I now know what eucalyptus trees feel like. Please watch this. Koalas, koalas, koalas! My new favourite phrase.

I guess there's something nice about that feeling of security, warmth and togetherness but really, I need my space! My sleeping position is loose and expressive. It is a violent nighttime dance; a mix of Rambert and kickboxing. I am a squashed badger. I am a worm on a hook. I am a prawn. I am a starfish. I am the chalk line where the victim fell. My sleep is kinetic and there's the serious risk I might inadvertently impale my sleeping partner with a hypnic jerk.

To channel my favourite philosopher, Carrie Bradshaw....last night, as I lay in bed with my body pressed against the back of a near-stranger like an incestuous foetal twin I got to thinking: if he's spooning me, does that make me his yoghurt?

Perhaps spooning is an evolutionary quirk, dating back to the days when Homo sapiens were forced to live in drafty makeshift shacks with no heating, just like the working class elderly today. Or does the desire to spoon come from a psychological need to make manifest, our security and spiritual bondage?

Spooning doesn't, in reality, make us safe of course. The Romans might have practiced the turtle, but they never attempted the shielded spoon. Nonetheless, I admit there is some sense of security to be gained from nestling into another person's cosy nook.

And there is something comforting about the fact that overtly-sexual apps like Grindr are increasingly populated with wanton spooners. Sure, most of it's about sex still but, even in such an aggressive and animalistic environment, many people still just want a cuddle.

But even so, we have to stop this fetishistic and curdlingly twee obsession with spooning. What happened to this is your side of the bed, that is mine? My mattress is not my cutlery drawer. I am not versatile, I am hostile, and I am nobody's yoghurt. You koalas can keep your spooning, it's time for me to make like a squashed badger. Night night. 

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: C#.Net Developer - C#, ASP.Net, PHP, HTML, JavaScript, CSS

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Ashdown Group: C#.Net Developer - C#, ASP.Net, HTML...

Recruitment Genius: 2nd / 3rd Line IT Support Engineer - Managed Services Provider

£30000 - £37000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A 2nd / 3rd Line IT Support Eng...

Recruitment Genius: UI / UX Designer

£25000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This firm are focussed on assis...

Recruitment Genius: General Processor

£7 per hour: Recruitment Genius: A vacancy has arisen for a General Processor ...

Day In a Page

Read Next

i Editor's Letter: Our representatives must represent us

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
MP David Lammy would become the capital’s first black mayor if he won the 2016 Mayoral election  

Crime, punishment and morals: we’re entering a maze with no clear exit

Simon Kelner
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable
Living with Alzheimer's: What is it really like to be diagnosed with early-onset dementia?

What is it like to live with Alzheimer's?

Depicting early-onset Alzheimer's, the film 'Still Alice' had a profound effect on Joy Watson, who lives with the illness. She tells Kate Hilpern how she's coped with the diagnosis
The Internet of Things: Meet the British salesman who gave real-world items a virtual life

Setting in motion the Internet of Things

British salesman Kevin Ashton gave real-world items a virtual life
Election 2015: Latest polling reveals Tories and Labour on course to win the same number of seats - with the SNP holding the balance of power

Election 2015: A dead heat between Mr Bean and Dick Dastardly!

Lord Ashcroft reveals latest polling – and which character voters associate with each leader
Audiences queue up for 'true stories told live' as cult competition The Moth goes global

Cult competition The Moth goes global

The non-profit 'slam storytelling' competition was founded in 1997 by the novelist George Dawes Green and has seen Malcolm Gladwell, Salman Rushdie and Molly Ringwald all take their turn at the mic
Pakistani women come out fighting: A hard-hitting play focuses on female Muslim boxers

Pakistani women come out fighting

Hard-hitting new play 'No Guts, No Heart, No Glory' focuses on female Muslim boxers
Leonora Carrington transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star

Surreal deal: Leonora Carrington

The artist transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star
LGBT History Month: Pupils discuss topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage

Education: LGBT History Month

Pupils have been discussing topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage
11 best gel eyeliners

Go bold this season: 11 best gel eyeliners

Use an ink pot eyeliner to go bold on the eyes with this season's feline flicked winged liner
Cricket World Cup 2015: Tournament runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

Cricket World Cup runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

The tournament has reached its halfway mark and scores of 300 and amazing catches abound. One thing never changes, though – everyone loves beating England
Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Heptathlete ready to jump at first major title

Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Ready to jump at first major title

After her 2014 was ruined by injury, 21-year-old Briton is leading pentathlete going into this week’s European Indoors. Now she intends to turn form into gold
Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot