Yes to No-vember, No to Movember

Movember is particularly irksome for people who already have moustaches

Share

It's become acceptable to use charity to win oneself attention. It is an opportunity for people to try and make their pedestrian lives seem a little more interesting and to gain some kind of adulation or colourful life experience that they otherwise do not deserve or could not afford.

Movember is the latest, most pathetically weak and most transparent example. Young men, it seems, are only willing to put their skinny jeans behind scientific efforts to beat and treat prostate cancer if they are simultaneously allowed to peacock themselves around the place showing off a strip of fluff on their top lip. If I see a guy with a moustache this month, I don't think he's clever, kooky and kind. I think he's a nit.

Once, the moustache represented that Victorian blend of style, conformity and sensibility. Now, it indicates that you are using a deadly disease to try and pin some personality on your face.

Of course, anything that pumps more money into such a valuable and important charitable cause has to be a good thing overall. Movember raised £92m last year worldwide. It's not the good cause I loathe, it's the people who adopt it, their true motivation for adopting it and the very fact that the event is able to take advantage of their weakness with such forensic manipulation. Major charities today are every bit as cunning as multinational corporations when it comes to shoving the heaving, thoughtless, jibbering masses in any desired direction. Just as sticking a few names on Coca Cola bottles managed to get everyone racing to corner shops to find a little piece of themselves stamped on a meaningless bottle, so the mega-fundraisers are able to invent campaigns which feed off our vanity and hunger for a sense of community. We are together as one, because we have a moustache.

Race for Life is another example. A mass-waddling of women in pink T-shirts, pretending they're doing exercise for half an hour before driving straight to the nearest supermarket for crisps, sandwiches and “healthy” biscuit bars, thus increasing their chances of getting bowel cancer, heart disease and diabetes. Perhaps they should be 'racing' for those causes three times a week until they're actually healthy? It’s true that many will be thinking of lost loved ones as they stroll along in their leggings and pristine trainers. And their desire to help combat breast cancer is sincere enough. But it can't be a particularly profound cause for the majority of the wibblers, otherwise they would regularly donate money without having to pretend to run around a lake.

And the same goes for the 'Mo Bros'. If you care about prostate cancer, donate £50 to a cancer charity. Do it quietly, decently, with dignity and humility. Don't stick a big, fat label on your mouth shouting “look at me! I'm a good person and I'm also original...like what all my mates and colleagues are...”

Just to make it more nauseating, the organisers also invented the term 'Mo Sistas' to allow girlfriends to get in on the act. They knew, you see, that lads would be unwilling to help battle cancer if it stopped them getting their nuts off. So...appeal to the tangle-haired Jack Willettes. LOL...OMG my BF has totally grown a moustache because I, like, told him too! We're such a cute couple, yeah? YOLO!

Movember is particularly irksome for people who already have moustaches. My very good friend Dean has been sporting a lovely, twizzled moustache for around 6 years now. He didn't do it out of some childish, contrived sense of fashion. He is just one of those men - a rare and wonderful breed - who suit a moustache and somehow just....have one. It's a quiet moustache, as though it's always been there. It doesn't campaign, it doesn't grandstand, it doesn't cajole. It just sits on his lip, keeping Dean company in the bookshop or coffee house, wiggling every so often in a show of support for his nose. Yet poor Dean is now subjected to an annual month-long trial, where everyone he meets asks - with the blank-eyed lambish naievety perfected by contemporary society - whether he is 'doing Movember?' No, he will answer politely, for that is his constant demeanour. And then a pause as the idiot who asked the question wonders why anybody would grow a moustache without sponsorship. I expect they think Franz Ferdinand and General Kitchener were hirsute only because their mates said they'd give 'em a fiver to grow a 'tash.

I propose an alternative to Movember. It's where you don't grow a moustache but you still give money to charity! We'd need to rebrand the month though. We'll call it No-vember.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Business Analyst - Surrey - Permanent - Up to £50k DOE

£40000 - £50000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***ASP.NET Developer - Cheshire - £35k - Permanent***

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

***Solutions Architect*** - Brighton - £40k - Permanent

£35000 - £40000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

Senior Research Fellow in Gender, Food and Resilient Communities

£47,334 - £59,058 per annum: Coventry University: The Centre for Agroecology, ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Taking on Ukip requires a delicate balancing act for both main parties

Andrew Grice
Today is a bigger Shabbes than usual in the Jewish world because it has been chosen to launch the Shabbos Project  

Shabbes exerts a pull on all Jews, and today is bigger than ever

Howard Jacobson
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker