Nevin's Notes (24/04/10)

An alternative take on the election

Hair's breadth

With that televised debate too close to call, any difference between the three leaders is vital.

I have conducted an exclusive survey of their hair, calling upon three distinguished experts: Pam Clegg, principal of Champneys College, Tring, which offers hair and beauty training; David Cameron, principal of David Cameron Hair, Sutton; and Colin Brown, a gents hairdresser in Morecambe. Pam? Hair under most pressure: G Brown. Most obvious relaunch: N Clegg. Losing it: D Cameron. David? Coolest cut: N Clegg. Most unruffled: the other D Cameron. Most suspicious: Brown's hair looks a touch Leonid Brezhnev. Colin? Hair Spray: D Cameron. Brylcreem-like substance: G Brown. I Can Do Four Of Those In An Hour: N Clegg. Champney's are offering them all free treatment after 6 May!

Mistaken Morris

Boris Johnson, claiming St George for the Tories, asserted that England had given gravity, corkscrews, rugby, hockey, DNA, morris dancing, ping pong and custard to the world. Exhaustive research largely supports him, with one major exception: morris dancing was introduced here by Henry VII via the French Court from Spain. Morris is a corruption of Moorish. Boris: withdraw, please. Actually, though, that's given me another thought. You carry on, I'll be back in a tick.

Down your way

Dogged reader Ms Griffiths writes on the vital importance of punctuation: "Dear Notes, 'Pat your local candidate' reads the photo caption on the flier that came through my door this morning. Alas, the Labour candidate for Maidenhead is not actually seeking up-close-and-personal encouragement from the electorate, he's just introducing himself – his name is Pat McDonald". Thank you, Ms Griffiths.

Moors!

I've just seen on the BNP website that they're rather keen on morris dancing (it must be the way those sticks are raised aloft in the right hand). This ancient and customary form of Islamic relaxation and celebration introduced to Spain by the Moors was one of the attractions at a recent BNP gathering. Note to Field Marshal Griffin: I suggest the following urgent communiqué, sorry, order: 1. All bells, caps and hankies, dancing for the use of, to be removed forthwith. 2. No skipping. Thank you.

Scramble!

Breaking news: Tory chairman Eric Pickles has dodged an egg. Yes, I know, but the Pickles family are more nimble than they look. Wilfred, for example, was quite a nifty mover in his youth. Meanwhile, a Russian TV station has just asked if Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg will submit to a DNA test to see if he really is a quarter Russian. And did you know that Nick often winds down with an energetic bout of Cossack dancing, while Lord Mandelson rises at dawn to box with his personal trainer? Who said this election was dull?