Deborah Ross: A lime-green polo may not be a good look

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, and at the risk of panicking you, I have a question to ask and it is this: when are we going to face up to "fashion leakage"? And: why can't we acknowledge it, at least?

Fashion leakage explains much. Fashion leakage is why you have an excess of clothes and nothing to wear. Fashion leakage is why you are compelled to clothes-shop all the time. Fashion leakage is why no one looks very special despite all that shopping and all that spending and the devouring of all those magazines. (Grazia in a nutshell: frocks, frocks, frocks, frocks, clitoral mutilation in Africa, like we're interested, more frocks, a quilty handbag that costs a bomb, frocks, frocks, frocks; there, you need never read it again.)

Fashion leakage starts from the moment you pay for something. If you could see fashion leakage with the naked eye, you would see all the qualities that drew you to the item leaking from the bag as soon as it is handed over to you, and pooling on the floor in puddles. You would then see it puddling on the pavement behind you as you made your way home, and on the Tube and on the bus, and by the time you actually get home? Its special-ness will have leaked away entirely, the last few drops spilling on your very own doorstep. You will take it from the bag, slump, and say: "Bloody hell, what did I buy that for? I'm a fool and an idiot, no question."

Let me give you a specific example. Let's take Uniqlo, where the polo shirts are laid out on tables in such seductive colour gradations you somehow think: wouldn't it be fun and chic to own a lime one? Wouldn't it? Won't I look the bee's knees? Won't it help take my mind of clitoral mutilation in Africa, like I read those pages and didn't just hurriedly skip past to the quilty handbag that costs a bomb? So you buy the lime polo and travel home all excitedly and step over your doorstep – watch out, as it may still be slippery from the last fashion leak – and what have you got? A lime polo, is all. You will say: "Bloody hell, what do I want a lime polo for?"Your family will say: "Bloody hell, what do you want a lime polo for?" Your friends will say: "A lime polo, how boring and crap is that, fool?"

And so you will shove it into a drawer, along with all the other stuff that looked good in the shop but became ordinary the moment you got it back. Fashion leakage. It's a bugger. And puddling everywhere, always.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Domestic Gas Breakdown Engineers

£28000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Domestic Gas Breakdown Engineer...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executives - OTE £60,000

£25000 - £60000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you passionate about Custom...

Recruitment Genius: Care Workers Required - The London Borough of Bromley

£15000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This homecare agency is based in Beckenh...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executives - OTE £50,000

£25000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you passionate about Custom...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Polish minister Rafal Trazaskowski (second from right)  

Poland is open to dialogue but EU benefits restrictions are illegal and unfair

Rafal Trzaskowski
The report will embarrass the Home Secretary, Theresa May  

Surprise, surprise: tens of thousands of illegal immigrants have 'dropped off' the Home Office’s radar

Nigel Farage
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'You look for someone who's an inspiration and try to be like them'

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Could cannabis oil reverse the effects of cancer?

Could cannabis oil reverse effects of cancer?

As a film following six patients receiving the controversial treatment is released, Kate Hilpern uncovers a very slippery issue
The Interview movie review: You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here

The Interview movie review

You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here
Serial mania has propelled podcasts into the cultural mainstream

How podcasts became mainstream

People have consumed gripping armchair investigation Serial with a relish typically reserved for box-set binges
Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up for hipster marketing companies

Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up

Kevin Lee Light, aka "Jesus", is the newest client of creative agency Mother while rival agency Anomaly has launched Sexy Jesus, depicting the Messiah in a series of Athena-style poses
Rosetta space mission voted most important scientific breakthrough of 2014

A memorable year for science – if not for mice

The most important scientific breakthroughs of 2014
Christmas cocktails to make you merry: From eggnog to Brown Betty and Rum Bumpo

Christmas cocktails to make you merry

Mulled wine is an essential seasonal treat. But now drinkers are rediscovering other traditional festive tipples. Angela Clutton raises a glass to Christmas cocktails
5 best activity trackers

Fitness technology: 5 best activity trackers

Up the ante in your regimen and change the habits of a lifetime with this wearable tech
Paul Scholes column: It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves

Paul Scholes column

It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves
Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Club World Cup kicked into the long grass by the continued farce surrounding Blatter, Garcia, Russia and Qatar
Frank Warren column: 2014 – boxing is back and winning new fans

Frank Warren: Boxing is back and winning new fans

2014 proves it's now one of sport's biggest hitters again
Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas