Deborah Ross: A lime-green polo may not be a good look

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, and at the risk of panicking you, I have a question to ask and it is this: when are we going to face up to "fashion leakage"? And: why can't we acknowledge it, at least?

Fashion leakage explains much. Fashion leakage is why you have an excess of clothes and nothing to wear. Fashion leakage is why you are compelled to clothes-shop all the time. Fashion leakage is why no one looks very special despite all that shopping and all that spending and the devouring of all those magazines. (Grazia in a nutshell: frocks, frocks, frocks, frocks, clitoral mutilation in Africa, like we're interested, more frocks, a quilty handbag that costs a bomb, frocks, frocks, frocks; there, you need never read it again.)

Fashion leakage starts from the moment you pay for something. If you could see fashion leakage with the naked eye, you would see all the qualities that drew you to the item leaking from the bag as soon as it is handed over to you, and pooling on the floor in puddles. You would then see it puddling on the pavement behind you as you made your way home, and on the Tube and on the bus, and by the time you actually get home? Its special-ness will have leaked away entirely, the last few drops spilling on your very own doorstep. You will take it from the bag, slump, and say: "Bloody hell, what did I buy that for? I'm a fool and an idiot, no question."

Let me give you a specific example. Let's take Uniqlo, where the polo shirts are laid out on tables in such seductive colour gradations you somehow think: wouldn't it be fun and chic to own a lime one? Wouldn't it? Won't I look the bee's knees? Won't it help take my mind of clitoral mutilation in Africa, like I read those pages and didn't just hurriedly skip past to the quilty handbag that costs a bomb? So you buy the lime polo and travel home all excitedly and step over your doorstep – watch out, as it may still be slippery from the last fashion leak – and what have you got? A lime polo, is all. You will say: "Bloody hell, what do I want a lime polo for?"Your family will say: "Bloody hell, what do you want a lime polo for?" Your friends will say: "A lime polo, how boring and crap is that, fool?"

And so you will shove it into a drawer, along with all the other stuff that looked good in the shop but became ordinary the moment you got it back. Fashion leakage. It's a bugger. And puddling everywhere, always.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Argyll Scott International: FP&A Manager Supply Chain

Benefits: Argyll Scott International: Argyll Scott is recruiting for a Permane...

Austen Lloyd: Commercial Property NQ+

£30000 - £50000 per annum + EXCELLENT: Austen Lloyd: COMMERCIAL PROPERTY SOLI...

Argyll Scott International: Retail Commercial Finance Analyst

Benefits: Argyll Scott International: Due to further expansion, a leading inte...

Langley James : Senior Technician; Promotion & Training Opp; Borough; upto £32k

£27000 - £32000 per annum + training: Langley James : Senior Technician; Promo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Xi Jinping shake hands in Shanghai  

Is Russia and China’s ‘Nato of the East’ more than a Potemkin alliance?

Nigel Morris
A petition calling for Natalie Bennett, the leader of the Green Party, to be included has been signed by nearly 200,000 people  

Let me list the reasons that the Green Party should definitely not be allowed into the TV election debates...

Mark Steel
US immigration: President Obama ready to press ahead with long-promised plan to overhaul 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?

Immigration: Obama's final frontier

The President is ready to press ahead with the long-promised plan to overhaul America's 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?
Bill Cosby rape allegations explained: Why are these allegations coming out now? Why didn’t these women come forward earlier? And why has nobody taken legal action?

Bill Cosby rape allegations explained

Why are these allegations coming out now? Why has nobody taken legal action? And what happens next for the man once thought of as 'America's Dad'
Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain

You know that headache you’ve got?

Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain
Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?

Scoot commute

Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?
Paul Robeson: The story of how an American icon was driven to death to be told in film

The Paul Robeson story

How an American icon was driven to death to be told in film
10 best satellite navigation systems

Never get lost again: 10 best satellite navigation systems

Keep your vehicle going in the right direction with a clever device
Paul Scholes column: England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil

Paul Scholes column

England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil
Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win says defender as he prepares to return with Hull

Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win

Hull defender faces his struggling former club on Sunday ready to show what they are missing. But he says he will always be grateful to Tottenham
Frank Warren column: Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game

Frank Warren column

Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game
Synagogue attack: Fear unites both sides of Jerusalem as minister warns restoring quiet could take 'months'

Terror unites Jerusalem after synagogue attack

Rising violence and increased police patrols have left residents of all faiths looking over their shoulders
Medecins sans Frontieres: The Ebola crisis has them in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa

'How do you carry on? You have to...'

The Ebola crisis has Medecins sans Frontieres in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa
Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

Residents in what was Iraq’s safest city fear an increase in jihadist attacks, reports Patrick Cockburn
Underwater photography competition winners 2014 - in pictures

'Mysterious and inviting' shot of diver wins photography competition

Stunning image of cenote in Mexico takes top prize
Sir John Major: Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting

Sir John Major hits out at theatres

Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting
Kicking Barbie's butt: How the growth of 3D printing enabled me to make an army of custom-made figurines

Kicking Barbie's butt

How the growth of 3D printing enabled toy-designer to make an army of custom-made figurines