Deborah Ross: 'Dangerous dogs will be forced to stay inside making perfumed soaps for the hospitality industry'

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If you ask me, now the election has been called, it is time to throw my hat into the ring, which is harder than it looks, particularly as I don't have a hat, or a ring. Still, I did have an old pen to hand, which I threw at the window, so now I've thrown an old pen at a window, I would ask you to vote for me based on the following pledges:

1) No child will ever be allowed to play any instrument heavier than a recorder, as it means the mother has to give lots of lifts she doesn't want to give when she could just be getting quietly drunk at home. Any child who complains that a recorder is "only a stick with a hole in it" can be beaten with impunity.

2) The M&S car park in Muswell Hill will be levelled out so that trolleys no longer run away with you and then take you over the wall at the bottom.

3) Dangerous dogs will be taken off the street and forced to stay inside making small, perfumed, shell-shaped soaps for hotels, guest houses and the hospitality industry generally.

4) Telephone cold callers must leave a number, so you can call them back while they are having their dinner.

5) Anyone annoying will be deported. Top of the list, at present, are Gillian "You Are What You Eat – I Must Have Eaten An Old Witch" McKeith and the women in the Dulcolax advert who meet for coffee and discuss their stools. Is that why they think I came into Starbucks today? To hear them talking about their stools?

6) Property programmes in which a couple spend the full 60 minutes looking at properties which they then don't buy will be prefaced with the following warning: "This is not an hour you are ever going to get back. Up to you, but we thought we'd let you know."

7) One day, while Sophie Dahl is pretending to both cook and read from a second-hand book, Nigella will come up behind her, grab her in her cleavage and crack her open like a nut.

8) Health advice will no longer contradict itself – although, that said, the cooked breakfast which is good for you today will be bad again tomorrow. I will have to keep you on your toes sometimes, you know.

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