If you ask me, it's that time of year when we must all think about holiday swimwear and I know it is the time of year because the women's magazines have declared it to be so, as they do every year, almost as if they never have any new ideas, and their editorial meetings go: "Whatever we did at this time last year, shall we just do it again?"

I do not know if anyone then adds: "Shall we also say lace is in until noon, after which it is out, just to keep everyone on their toes?" but I'm guessing so. Still, at least this year, I am on hand to answer all your swimwear questions, and so help you sleep at night:

I'd rather be dead than go on a beach holiday, so must I fret about swimwear?

Yes. It is obligatory.

I know there is meant to be swimwear to suit all body shapes – apple, pear, triangle and so on – but I am shaped like a tricorn hat of the kind commonly worn by town-criers, and wonder what would best suit me?

According to a spokesman for the online lingerie and swimwear company Figleaves.com, many companies are now making swimwear for the three-pointed tricorn hat shape. "Extra ruching," says the spokesperson, "is wonderfully flattering for tricorns." Figleaves will also be shortly introducing ranges for anyone shaped like a kitchen pedal bin, or the last slice of ham in a pack, the one that has gone hard and all curly round the edges.

To put it plainly, I have a big arse, and am wondering what might be best for me.

You can direct attention away from a big arse by wearing a pretty barrette in your hair or, better still, by carrying a large monkey on your shoulder, or a cheetah. One woman of my acquaintance went to beach wearing a lion on her head, and no one remarked on her bottom at all.

Are skirted swimsuits a good idea?

No. We all know you're fat under there.

Are sarongs the best cover-up?

Oh, sarongs. So many ways to tie one, not one of which you'll master, love. Good luck, though.

What's your advice when it comes to cellulite?

Buy a special, expensive cream and work it into your skin in circular motions. If this cream appears to make no difference whatsoever, ask yourself: did I use triangular motions by mistake?

I hope you have enjoyed this Q&A session and would ask you to look out for my autumn one, which will probably be about coats.