If you ask me, amid all the frenzy that is London Fashion Week, which this year has been much augmented by the exciting news that Alexa Chung has been appointed by the British Fashion Council as a "global style ambassador" – responsible, I believe, for helping alleviate style-related sufferings in the developing world* – you may have rather lost sight of the emerging trends.

Well, luckily, I am on hand to distill them for you and put them in a nutshell or, if that doesn't suit, a shell of your choosing. Nutshells don't work for everybody just as, say, the wraparound skirt didn't work for those who quickly discovered it would unwrap wherever and whenever it fancied, and always while running for a bus.

OK, what's A/W12 all about? It is, first and foremost, all about "brooding floral prints" which is excellent, as cheerful floral prints can drive you insane, always chivvying you along and saying things like: "Cheer up, it's not as bad as it seems" even when you are in one place, and your wraparound skirt is in a different place altogether, and the W7 is not going to wait.

Secondly? Secondly, it's about combining "childish purity" and "feminine strength", and if you are at a loss as to what this actually means, I'll tell you what I'm thinking: I'm thinking romper suits with spurs, probably by Vivienne Westwood. As for Mary Katrantzou, her show featured a pencil skirt made from actual pencils, which was nifty, although honestly? I think I would have been more interested in her take on the bum bag.

On a more general note, hemlines next season will be lower unless they are higher, colours will be bold unless they aren't (you can bet your life on it), embellishments will be in until noon, after which they are out again, and baby pinks will segue into reds until 6pm, after which they will clock off and go home to their families.

Meanwhile, there has been no sign, thankfully, of those items that combine two separate pieces of clothing, as in jeggings or the shoe-boot, although, that said, I do have high hopes for my own berowl, which is half beret and half salad bowl, and as at home on your head as it is on the dinner table.

So this is fashion A/W12 in a nutshell, or other shell of your choosing, and, while some of you probably think it's safe to ignore it all, as you always do, I would like to leave you with one important tip: accessories are, apparently, going to be "ladylike" so, please, do remember to leave your meat cleaver and axe behind.

* In Ethiopia, for example, they would have no idea bold-coloured skinny jeans were out, even if they had access to them