Deborah Ross: Never confuse a lifestyle coach with a National Express coach...

If you ask me...

Share

If you ask me, along with all the other junk I receive through my letter box every day – pizza, curries, pet-sitters, builders, those Royal Mail "sorry you were out" cards even though I was in (just how "in" do you have to be?) – my attention was recently drawn to a leaflet advertising the services of a "lifestyle coach" now available in the area.

A lifestyle coach, to do what exactly? Do I even have "a lifestyle"? If I do, can't it just quietly tick over by itself? It requires "coaching"? I never knew! I never even suspected! I'm such a dolt! If I have a lifestyle, imagine how behind it must be by now! I've lately wondered what the noise behind me is whenever I go out. It's everyone laughing at my uncoached lifestyle behind my back! "Look at her," they're probably saying. "Pathetic!"

I was minded to call right there and then, but suddenly had a thought: how do I know this person is qualified and trustworthy? What about all the cowboy lifestyle people out there? Didn't I once see one on Watchdog who charged £200 an hour – £200 an hour! – but spent most of that time in the van "getting a spare part without which your lifestyle won't work, love"?

Well, I've since referred to Which?, which recommends the following:

* If you are approached by someone "doing lifestyle work in your area", don't even think about it unless you can see such work already completed for a satisfied customer.

* Make sure you give your business to someone who has premises rather than just a mobile number. If, for example, your lifestyle starts making banging sounds in the middle of the night, or springs a leak, you will need to know you can get hold of your lifestyle person whatever.

* Don't make a deal with a lifestyle coach over the doorstep or in your living room. Inevitably, you will be subjected to a very hard sell and then they'll point to the missing backs on all your remote controls and say: "Do you really want to carry on living like this?" and you'll burst into tears, and there they will have you.

* And, lastly, never confuse a lifestyle coach with a National Express coach, as you don't want to end up going to Brighton and back in a day when all you wanted to do was pay someone way over the odds to tell you a lot of stuff you'll never stick to. (You are who you are; get over it.)

I have now given you everything I know about lifestyles and the tending thereof, and if you wish for further information, go ask someone else for a change. My lifestyle is going for a nap.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Service Charge Accountant

£20,000 - £22,000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This Property Management Grou...

Head of Sales, London

£70 - 95K OTE £125K. Plus Car,Private Healthcare and Pension: Charter Selectio...

Head of Sales, Milton Keynes

£70 - 90K OTE £125K. Plus Car,Private Healthcare and Pension: Charter Selectio...

Head of Sales, Bristol

£70 - 90K OTE £125K. Plus Car,Private Healthcare and Pension: Charter Selectio...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Russian President Vladimir Putin  

How to deal with Putin without crossing moral red lines

Dominic Raab
Prostitutes face a high risk of contracting HIV, yet they are offered little help from the Government  

Want to rid the world of HIV? Then you can start by decriminalising prostitution

Pamela Das
Screwing your way to the top? Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth

Screwing your way to the top?

Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth, says Grace Dent
Will the young Britons fighting in Syria be allowed to return home and resume their lives?

Will Britons fighting in Syria be able to resume their lives?

Tony Blair's Terrorism Act 2006 has made it an offence to take part in military action abroad with a "political, ideological, religious or racial motive"
Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter, the wartime poster girl who became a feminist pin-up

Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter

The wartime poster girl became the ultimate American symbol of female empowerment
The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones: Are custom, 3D printed earbuds the solution?

The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones

Earphones don't fit properly, offer mediocre audio quality and can even be painful. So the quest to design the perfect pair is music to Seth Stevenson's ears
US Army's shooting star: Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform

Meet the US Army's shooting star

Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform
Climate change threatens to make the antarctic fur seal extinct

Take a good look while you can

How climate change could wipe out this seal
Should emergency hospital weddings be made easier for the terminally ill?

Farewell, my lovely

Should emergency hospital weddings be made easier?
Man Booker Prize 2014 longlist: Crowdfunded novel nominated for first time

Crowdfunded novel nominated for Booker Prize

Paul Kingsnorth's 'The Wake' is in contention for the prestigious award
Vladimir Putin employs a full-time food taster to ensure his meals aren't poisoned

Vladimir Putin employs a full-time food taster

John Walsh salutes those brave souls who have, throughout history, put their knives on the line
Tour de France effect brings Hollywood blockbusters to Yorkshire

Tour de France effect brings Hollywood blockbusters to Yorkshire

A $25m thriller starring Sam Worthington to be made in God's Own Country
Will The Minerva Project - the first 'elite' American university to be launched in a century - change the face of higher learning?

Will The Minerva Project change the face of higher learning?

The university has no lecture halls, no debating societies, no sports teams and no fraternities. Instead, the 33 students who have made the cut at Minerva, will travel the world and change the face of higher learning
The 10 best pedicure products

Feet treat: 10 best pedicure products

Bags packed and all prepped for holidays, but feet in a state? Get them flip-flop-ready with our pick of the items for a DIY treatment
Commonwealth Games 2014: Great Scots! Planes and pipers welcome in Glasgow's Games

Commonwealth Games 2014

Great Scots! Planes and pipers welcome in Glasgow's Games
Jack Pitt-Brooke: Manchester City and Patrick Vieira make the right stand on racism

Jack Pitt-Brooke

Manchester City and Patrick Vieira make the right stand on racism
How Terry Newton tragedy made iron men seek help to tackle their psychological demons

How Newton tragedy made iron men seek help to tackle their psychological demons

Over a hundred rugby league players have contacted clinic to deal with mental challenges of game