Deborah Ross: 'One of the seven signs of ageing is surely having pores big enough to host music festivals in'

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The Independent Online

If you ask me, I think it is very fine that you can now buy a face cream to combat the "seven signs of ageing" plus, who knows, one day they may even find an eighth, which would be terrifically exciting, like happening upon an extra wonder of the world, or another deadly sin, or even another dwarf.

But it's seven for now and I have just purchased this cream in the hope that it will do what is says on the side of the false-bottomed jar, even though I cannot read what it says on the side of the false-bottomed jar, because I cannot find my reading glasses, which were just here a minute ago.

Still, I think I know what the signs are: 1) Never being able to find your reading glasses, even though they were here a minute ago; 2) Desiring little from the day beyond the opportunity to spend most of it pottering about in slippers; 3) Suffering from a failure of nerve at the entrance to Topshop for fear of provoking a security announcement along these lines: "Staff alert. Middle-aged housewife approaching. Re-direct to Wallis. Re-direct to Wallis"; 4) Watching a channel called Yesterday and, in particular, Captain Poldark, who is still hot; 5) Having pores big enough to host music festivals in, as well as that festival harpy, Fearne Cotton, who may be the poor man's Holly Willoughby, or is it the other way round?; 6) Finding the courage to enter Topshop but then fearing a security announcement along these lines: "Woman pottering in slippers in knitwear. Apprehend and expel! Apprehend and expel!"; 7) The urge to retire to Fort Lauderdale, even though you don't really know where it is and can't locate it on a map because you can't find your reading glasses which is odd, as they where here a minute ago.

I am extremely excited about this cream, and will, of course, report back on just how combative it is, plus will also keep you informed if there is any news about an eighth sign which, if you ask me – and you did, remember – may mean being pulled aside in Topshop and having them say to you: "Madam, have you never heard of Cotton Traders online? You won't even need to take your slippers off."