If you ask me, I am thrilled to announce that the Society For Women Who Can't Win For Losing (USA) and the Society for Women Who Can't Do Right For Doing Wrong (GB) have merged to form the more globally relevant The International Society For Women Who Always Get It In The Neck, which is already recognised as the foremost body of its type, and registered at the Post Office as a complete waste of space – probably – but at least it's a step in the right direction.
Members thus far include Madonna, of course – "One day," she says, "I would like to breathe in and out, or put one leg in front of the other in the manner of someone walking, without getting it in the neck" – and Victoria Beckham, who always gets it in the neck for launching her own fashion line instead of just simpering at David all day, and Keira Knightley, who is currently getting it in the neck for appearing in A Dangerous Method, a film about Freud and Jung in which she is spanked.
"In reasonably giving interviews to promote the film, as I am contracted to do," she says, "I have got it in the neck for being a useless, self-publicising trollop, whereas Michael Fassbender, who shagged everything in Shame and took his top off in endless photo shoots, is now deemed a great actor and heroic sex god." Or, as Ms Beckham has noted: "P. Diddy launched his own fashion range and no one said crap about it."
Ms Beckham can, I'm afraid, be quite potty-mouthed, but, as she further notes: "What do you expect, if you are always getting it in the neck? I would say the same to David but, alas, he is too busy modelling his debut range of stupid pants for H&M while not getting it in the neck at all."
Other members? Carol Vorderman, obviously, who always gets it in the neck for being foxy post-50 – "I've got a great arse, get over it," she says – and Adele, who has just got it in the neck from Karl Lagerfeld for being "a little too fat". Adele is quite cut up about this, apparently, and nightly cries into her pillow: "I wish I were a dumb and talentless waif. God, what do you have against me? What, what, what?"
And our latest sign-up? Lana Del Rey. "I'm getting it in the neck left, right and centre," she says, adding: "I now rather wish I'd stayed home in Lake Placid, where the fly-fishing is excellent."
So this is a good society, and a much-needed society, which will support all women who get it in the neck bar Gwyneth Paltrow along with her silly newsletter, Goop, because you have to draw the line somewhere, and, as the Society's press release puts it: "Some women do get it in the neck for a reason, and she is very, very annoying."
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