Deborah Ross: You can't go out with your ears looking like that

If you ask me...
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The Independent Online

If you ask me, and because I fear that, unless someone acts soon, women are going to run out of body parts to fret about (you know you can now get a "hand-lift" operation to plump out ageing hands?), I would like to introduce you to Earobics, a new exercise programme designed to get your ears fit and toned not just in time for the summer, but for life.

Already, I have received a great deal of interest in Earobics – "Really? I now have to worry about the look of my ears? Fancy." – as well as much positive feedback from those who have already tried it. Indeed, as one woman told me: "I used to hate my ears, which were flabby and nothing like the ones you see on the catwalk. I was so ashamed I wore a hat at all times.

"But now? Now I am proud of my ears, and have already received many compliments. In fact, I wore a pair of diamante earrings the other evening and when I came down the stairs my husband said: 'Wow!' And: 'I can't believe those ears are yours!' Also, I have a lot more energy and can do more with the kids."

If you would like to try Earobics, you can enrol for classes at your local leisure centre or, if you have membership, at most private health clubs, where you can combine getting your ears fit with eavesdropping on those mothers who spend all day kvetching about their homesick au pairs. (As once genuinely overheard: "She drinks all the Tropicana. Honestly, where she comes from, you'd think she'd be grateful for unpolluted tap water.")

These will usually be group classes, overseen by a fully trained instructor, who will put your ears through the sort of specialised stretching and strengthening exercises which will improve both their appearance and cardiovascular fitness. Alternatively, should you prefer to exercise your ears in the privacy of your own home, you may wish to purchase one of the following DVDs: Davina Does Earobics I, Davina Does Earobics II, Davina Does Earobics III, Davina Does Earobics IV and so on until we decide we cannot get any more mileage from inducing women to fret about their ears, at which point we'll move on to Davina Does Chin-ercise, with a specially compiled soundtrack by the Bee Gees.

We look forward to welcoming you to the world of Earobics, and remember: just when you think there are no more body parts to fret about, we'll think of some new ones. You can be sure of it.