Deborah Ross: You can't go out with your ears looking like that

If you ask me...

Related Topics

If you ask me, and because I fear that, unless someone acts soon, women are going to run out of body parts to fret about (you know you can now get a "hand-lift" operation to plump out ageing hands?), I would like to introduce you to Earobics, a new exercise programme designed to get your ears fit and toned not just in time for the summer, but for life.

Already, I have received a great deal of interest in Earobics – "Really? I now have to worry about the look of my ears? Fancy." – as well as much positive feedback from those who have already tried it. Indeed, as one woman told me: "I used to hate my ears, which were flabby and nothing like the ones you see on the catwalk. I was so ashamed I wore a hat at all times.

"But now? Now I am proud of my ears, and have already received many compliments. In fact, I wore a pair of diamante earrings the other evening and when I came down the stairs my husband said: 'Wow!' And: 'I can't believe those ears are yours!' Also, I have a lot more energy and can do more with the kids."

If you would like to try Earobics, you can enrol for classes at your local leisure centre or, if you have membership, at most private health clubs, where you can combine getting your ears fit with eavesdropping on those mothers who spend all day kvetching about their homesick au pairs. (As once genuinely overheard: "She drinks all the Tropicana. Honestly, where she comes from, you'd think she'd be grateful for unpolluted tap water.")

These will usually be group classes, overseen by a fully trained instructor, who will put your ears through the sort of specialised stretching and strengthening exercises which will improve both their appearance and cardiovascular fitness. Alternatively, should you prefer to exercise your ears in the privacy of your own home, you may wish to purchase one of the following DVDs: Davina Does Earobics I, Davina Does Earobics II, Davina Does Earobics III, Davina Does Earobics IV and so on until we decide we cannot get any more mileage from inducing women to fret about their ears, at which point we'll move on to Davina Does Chin-ercise, with a specially compiled soundtrack by the Bee Gees.

We look forward to welcoming you to the world of Earobics, and remember: just when you think there are no more body parts to fret about, we'll think of some new ones. You can be sure of it.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SQL Report Analyst (SSRS, CA, SQL 2012)

£30000 - £38500 Per Annum + 25 days holiday, pension, subsidised restaurant: C...

Application Support Analyst (SQL, Incident Management, SLAs)

£34000 - £37000 Per Annum + excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Lt...

Embedded Software / Firmware Engineer

£40000 - £45000 per annum + Pension, Holiday, Flexi-time: Progressive Recruitm...

Developer - WinForms, C#

£280 - £320 per day: Progressive Recruitment: C#, WinForms, Desktop Developmen...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Cameron's 'compassionate conservatism' is now lying on its back  

Tory modernisation has failed under David Cameron

Michael Dugher
Russian President Vladimir Putin 'hits his foes where it hurts'  

Dominic Raab: If Western politicians’ vested interests protect Putin, take punishment out of their hands

Dominic Raab
Backhanders, bribery and abuses of power have soared in China as economy surges

Bribery and abuses of power soar in China

The bribery is fuelled by the surge in China's economy but the rules of corruption are subtle and unspoken, finds Evan Osnos, as he learns the dark arts from a master
Commonwealth Games 2014: Highland terriers stole the show at the opening ceremony

Highland terriers steal the show at opening ceremony

Gillian Orr explores why a dog loved by film stars and presidents is finally having its day
German art world rocked as artists use renowned fat sculpture to distil schnapps

Brewing the fat from artwork angers widow of sculptor

Part of Joseph Beuys' 1982 sculpture 'Fettecke' used to distil schnapps
BBC's The Secret History of Our Streets reveals a fascinating window into Britain's past

BBC takes viewers back down memory lane

The Secret History of Our Streets, which returns with three films looking at Scottish streets, is the inverse of Benefits Street - delivering warmth instead of cynicism
Joe, film review: Nicolas Cage delivers an astonishing performance in low budget drama

Nicolas Cage shines in low-budget drama Joe

Cage plays an ex-con in David Gordon Green's independent drama, which has been adapted from a novel by Larry Brown
How to make your own gourmet ice lollies, granitas, slushy cocktails and frozen yoghurt

Make your own ice lollies and frozen yoghurt

Think outside the cool box for this summer's tempting frozen treats
Ford Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time, with sales topping 4.1 million since 1976

Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time

Sales have topped 4.1 million since 1976. To celebrate this milestone, four Independent writers recall their Fiestas with pride
10 best reed diffusers

Heaven scent: 10 best reed diffusers

Keep your rooms smelling summery and fresh with one of these subtle but distinctive home fragrances that’ll last you months
Commonwealth Games 2014: Female boxers set to compete for first time

Female boxers set to compete at Commonwealth Games for first time

There’s no favourites and with no headguards anything could happen
Five things we’ve learned so far about Manchester United under Louis van Gaal

Five things we’ve learned so far about United under Van Gaal

It’s impossible to avoid the impression that the Dutch manager is playing to the gallery a little
Screwing your way to the top? Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth

Screwing your way to the top?

Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth, says Grace Dent
Will the young Britons fighting in Syria be allowed to return home and resume their lives?

Will Britons fighting in Syria be able to resume their lives?

Tony Blair's Terrorism Act 2006 has made it an offence to take part in military action abroad with a "political, ideological, religious or racial motive"
Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter, the wartime poster girl who became a feminist pin-up

Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter

The wartime poster girl became the ultimate American symbol of female empowerment
The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones: Are custom, 3D printed earbuds the solution?

The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones

Earphones don't fit properly, offer mediocre audio quality and can even be painful. So the quest to design the perfect pair is music to Seth Stevenson's ears
US Army's shooting star: Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform

Meet the US Army's shooting star

Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform