Harriet Walker: Relax if you feel left out or deformed: the super-boob is officially over

Share
Related Topics

If dross like Celebrity Big Brother is any indication of social mores and cultural trends – and believe me, it is – then the edict from the tastemakers is this: boobs are over. You heard me.

The inmates of this year's televisual peep show are practically an ethnic minority compared to the number of artificially inflated tits in there with them – and I'm not even talking metaphorically.

From twin Californian Playboy Playmates and blow-up dolls Karissa and Kristina to ex-Page Three girl Nicola McLean via lingerie model Georgia Salpa, it seems there is only one reason why these women were chosen for the house. Well, two, I suppose.

It's proof of how low we have stooped when it comes to low-cut tops, that breasts should be the only thing required to give society's flotsam and jetsam a shot at the limelight. And proof that boobs have been devalued. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the lovable things that lurk under our workaday jumpers. I mean the angry-looking, trying-to-prove-a-point, skywards-facing, shiny and glabrous globes that inhabit most Z-listers' bandage dresses; not the bouncing baps of yesteryear, but the immobile footballs stuck on the orange chests of dreckish wannabes, offensively glue-gunned on to the general solar plexus like two upturned fruit bowls.

These ubiquitous hooters have distorted the female body politic to such an extent that the rest of us look deformed, and it's imperative that we all take off our collective boob goggles. Thousands of women may yet be at risk from leaky silicone implants they elected to have, yet here are TV screens and trash mags as full of attention-seeking knockers as the John Lewis front door department. But Celebrity Big Brother might yet be our saviour – watching those giant orange things flail around must spell the decline of the super-boob. Nothing renders an object of desire so utterly wasted and hollow than the attentions of the lowest common denominator. Now, I'm no Mary Whitehouse. But mammaries, like pets, are nicest when they're a manageable size – that is, whatever size they were meant to be. There's nothing more harmful to women's welfare than this constant parade of boobs. Not to mention the breasts they insist on flaunting.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Management Accountant - North West London, £35-40k

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Management Accountant (ACCA / CIMA, ...

Recruitment Genius: Female Care Team

£11 - £12 per hour: Recruitment Genius: A 10 year old girl who has profound an...

Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager - Manchester - Urgent Requirement!

£30000 - £35000 per annum + 20 days holidays & pension: Ashdown Group: Marketi...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Manager

£35000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Business Development Manager ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Mr Osborne’s Economic Experiment: William Keegan’s new book

John Rentoul
EastEnders needs to review its take on Cockney life  

Ending the watershed is crossing the line of our TV culture

Jane Merrick
Greece elections: In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza

Greece elections

In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza, says Patrick Cockburn
Holocaust Memorial Day: Nazi victims remembered as spectre of prejudice reappears

Holocaust Memorial Day

Nazi victims remembered as spectre of prejudice reappears over Europe
Fortitude and the Arctic attraction: Our fascination with the last great wilderness

Magnetic north

The Arctic has always exerted a pull, from Greek myth to new thriller Fortitude. Gerard Gilbert considers what's behind our fascination with the last great wilderness
Homeless Veterans appeal: Homeless in Wales can find inspiration from Daniel’s story

Homeless Veterans appeal

Homeless in Wales can find inspiration from Daniel’s story
Front National family feud? Marine Le Pen and her relatives clash over French far-right party's response to Paris terror attacks

Front National family feud?

Marine Le Pen and her relatives clash over French far-right party's response to Paris terror attacks
Pot of gold: tasting the world’s most expensive tea

Pot of gold

Tasting the world’s most expensive tea
10 best wildlife-watching experiences: From hen harriers to porpoises

From hen harriers to porpoises: 10 best wildlife-watching experiences

While many of Britain's birds have flown south for the winter, it's still a great time to get outside for a spot of twitching
Nick Easter: 'I don’t want just to hold tackle bags, I want to be out there'

'I don’t want just to hold tackle bags, I want to be out there'

Nick Easter targeting World Cup place after England recall
DSK, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel

The inside track on France's trial of the year

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel:
As provocative now as they ever were

Sarah Kane season

Why her plays are as provocative now as when they were written
Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of a killing in Iraq 11 years ago

Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of another killing

Japanese mood was against what was seen as irresponsible trips to a vicious war zone
Syria crisis: Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more refugees as one young mother tells of torture by Assad regime

Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more Syrian refugees

One young mother tells of torture by Assad regime
The enemy within: People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back – with promising results

The enemy within

People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back
'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

Survivors of the Nazi concentration camp remember its horror, 70 years on
Autumn/winter menswear 2015: The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore

Autumn/winter menswear 2015

The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore