John Dowie: All this nudity won't make me buy soap powder

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If French Connection UK think they're getting their hands on any of my hard-earned cash, they can think again. They might think it stylish and amusing to splash anagrams of the F-word all over buses and billboards, but I don't. And neither does a dyslexic I know. If they were selling smutty comics or stink bombs, I could understand the logic. "We need a logo to attract a 13-year-old with no sense of humour," their reasoning would run. But this is meant to be a clothes shop for grown-ups? Do me a favour.

If French Connection UK think they're getting their hands on any of my hard-earned cash, they can think again. They might think it stylish and amusing to splash anagrams of the F-word all over buses and billboards, but I don't. And neither does a dyslexic I know. If they were selling smutty comics or stink bombs, I could understand the logic. "We need a logo to attract a 13-year-old with no sense of humour," their reasoning would run. But this is meant to be a clothes shop for grown-ups? Do me a favour.

The Advertising Standards Authority receives more complaints about sex than anything else. Not that it'll make much difference. Already forthcoming is an advert for Flash (a household cleaner) featuring a naked couple frolicking in a fountain (huh?). And if I want to buy some bread, which brand will I choose? Hovis, of course. Why? Because they run an ad with a bread roll saying, "Butter me and I go down a treat." In an older, gentler time, when Hovis wanted to persuade me to buy their bread, they had to use shire horses and brass bands. Now it's a cheesy reference to fellatio. Strange, though, to run an ad that implies the product will stick in your throat and make you want to spit it out afterwards.

And soon I'll be able to feast my eyes on Naomi Campbell standing about in a bikini. What is she advertising? Bikinis? Don't be daft. Leg waxing? Grow up. What then? Washing-up liquid, of course. Oh, yeah. I'm always doing my washing-up in a bikini. Makes perfect sense. The ad will feature Naomi wearing designer washing-up gloves, though, so it's not all sleaze.

I wish some of these whizz-kids in the advertising world would remember that a large proportion of their audience has grown up. We know what sex is. Some of us have even done it. A picture of Kylie Minogue scratching her airbrushed bottom will not make us rush out and buy your magazine. We are not impressed by nudity. We leave that to simpletons, sad lads and dirty old men.

I come from a more dignified time. In my youth, celebrities of the day kept their private bits private. You wouldn't see Margaret Rutherford and Charles Hawtry splashing about in a fountain with nothing on. Jack Warner and Peggy Mount did not have sex in front of a mirror in something called Eyes Wide Shut (the only way to watch the movie). Even today, Thora Hird does not ride her stai lift naked.

I once sat down with my kids to watch a video tape of Shakespeare in Love. They were against the idea at first, but, as the film unfolded, they really enjoyed the story, the dialogue and the humour, as did I. But then, slap-bang in the middle of the film, we had to squirm through an eternity of Gwyneth Paltrow and Joseph Fiennes in bed with nothing on. Well, we didn't. We hit the fast-forward button before you could say "yuck." But why was the scene there? Did it enhance the story, did it reveal any subtleties of plot or character? Or did it simply give me the chance to glimpse a total stranger's breasts?

I'll let Jerry Hall be the judge of that. As of this evening, she will be standing naked on the West End stage for about 30 seconds, while sad people in the cheap seats think, "This was £17.50 well spent." I don't know why they bother to do the play. For those who are interested, a perfect night out would be just the 30 seconds. The curtains open, you see a celebrity with nothing on, curtains close, time for a pint afterwards, plus you can pick up a Hovis loaf before the shops shut.

But they have to do the play. You can't just have 30 seconds of luminary nudity. Otherwise, they'd have to run advertisements along the lines of, "Thrill to the nipples that Mick Jagger used to tickle," and they wouldn't want to do that. That would be degrading. You might even say obscene.

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