Katy Guest: Boris's charm is an acquired taste at best. It makes me sick

Share
Related Topics

It's more baffling than the Large Hadron Collider. More nauseating than the "walls of fat" being scraped from London's sewers. The summer news story that has everyone bringing up breakfast this weekend is as predictable as it is inexplicable. It fills me with more impotent fury than if every tourist on the London Tube simultaneously stopped dead right in the doorway to the Circle Line.

Once again, London is abuzz with the question: "Would you have sex with this man?" And, of course, the answer: "I wouldn't touch him with yours, mate."

The news concerns Boris Johnson, his "close friendship" with a Belgravia socialite, and the fact that she split from her long-term partner when her baby popped out looking uncomfortably like a tiny bawling clone of the London Mayor. Imagine the lady's surprise (her friends reported) when a DNA test showed that her partner is not the father of her child. "Mr Johnson never talks about his private life," said his long-suffering spokesman.

This could be because the Mayor's private life resembles a particularly low-rent episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show – one in which, uniquely, there is a man on stage more odious than Jeremy Kyle. "Put something on the end of it!" the host would yell, to jeers and boos from the audience, while Boris slumped, legs akimbo, surrounded by snivelling women.

Should Boris turn out to have anything to do with the strange affair at Belgravia, it would not be the first time that he has had unprotected extramarital sex with an unsuspecting popsy who was obviously busy riding polo ponies when the rest of us were learning about contraception.

His affair with colleague Petronella Wyatt ended in tears and an abortion clinic. He was bewildered when one mistress turned down his invite to join him on holiday with his wife and children. He took up with his current wife, Marina Wheeler, while still with his last, Allegra Mostyn-Owen. In 2006 he refused to deny an affair with the journalist Anna Fazackerley...

Any woman who does it with Boris must by now know what she is getting. There are those who say that he has a certain je ne sais quoi, but fortunately that can be cleared up these days with antibiotics. But let's not denounce Boris's philandering merely on the grounds of his looks (though he does have that strangely repellent translucent marshmallow skin that is unique to a certain type of indoor-reared posh boy and which is so queasily redolent of milk-fed veal). Rather, it is his attitude that makes him sickening.

This is a man who thinks that rules are only for the little people – something that he presumably learned in the Bullingdon Club. A representative of modern London who jokes about "flag-waving piccaninnies" with "watermelon smiles". An ambassador for Britain who slouches through the Olympic handover ceremony, hands in pockets, ignoring the Beijing mayor. He was asked by officials to do up his jacket out of respect, he later bragged, but he thought, "sod it".

Last week, even Boris's friends called him "selfish, lazy and arrogant". They recall his tenuous grasp of the facts. They claim that he regards not behaving like a total scumbag as hopelessly bourgeois and gauche. What a guy to represent our capital city.

It is too late to elect anyone else as Mayor. It's too late for the Belgravia cuckold and the mop-haired child. It's too late for David Cameron (ha ha) to distance himself from his bad choice of chum. But if we don't wise up in 2012, the people of London are as dumb as all the women who fall for Boris's selfish charm. And I for one don't want another dose of his je ne sais quoi.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Tradewind Recruitment: Phase Co-ordinator for Foundation and Key Stage 1

Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: Phase Co-ordinator for Foundation and Key S...

Tradewind Recruitment: SEN Teacher

Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: SEN Teacher We have a fantastic special n...

Tradewind Recruitment: History Teacher

Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: My client is an 11-18 all ability co-educat...

Tradewind Recruitment: Year 6 Teacher

£100 - £150 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Year 6 Teacher Birmingham Jan 2015...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

If I were Prime Minister: Every privatised corner of the NHS would be taken back into public ownership

Philip Pullman
 

Errors & Omissions: Magna Carta, sexing bishops and ministerial aides

John Rentoul
Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

Isis hostage crisis

The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

Cabbage is king again

Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
11 best winter skin treats

Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

Paul Scholes column

The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

Frank Warren's Ringside

No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee