Katy Guest: Boris's charm is an acquired taste at best. It makes me sick

Share
Related Topics

It's more baffling than the Large Hadron Collider. More nauseating than the "walls of fat" being scraped from London's sewers. The summer news story that has everyone bringing up breakfast this weekend is as predictable as it is inexplicable. It fills me with more impotent fury than if every tourist on the London Tube simultaneously stopped dead right in the doorway to the Circle Line.

Once again, London is abuzz with the question: "Would you have sex with this man?" And, of course, the answer: "I wouldn't touch him with yours, mate."

The news concerns Boris Johnson, his "close friendship" with a Belgravia socialite, and the fact that she split from her long-term partner when her baby popped out looking uncomfortably like a tiny bawling clone of the London Mayor. Imagine the lady's surprise (her friends reported) when a DNA test showed that her partner is not the father of her child. "Mr Johnson never talks about his private life," said his long-suffering spokesman.

This could be because the Mayor's private life resembles a particularly low-rent episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show – one in which, uniquely, there is a man on stage more odious than Jeremy Kyle. "Put something on the end of it!" the host would yell, to jeers and boos from the audience, while Boris slumped, legs akimbo, surrounded by snivelling women.

Should Boris turn out to have anything to do with the strange affair at Belgravia, it would not be the first time that he has had unprotected extramarital sex with an unsuspecting popsy who was obviously busy riding polo ponies when the rest of us were learning about contraception.

His affair with colleague Petronella Wyatt ended in tears and an abortion clinic. He was bewildered when one mistress turned down his invite to join him on holiday with his wife and children. He took up with his current wife, Marina Wheeler, while still with his last, Allegra Mostyn-Owen. In 2006 he refused to deny an affair with the journalist Anna Fazackerley...

Any woman who does it with Boris must by now know what she is getting. There are those who say that he has a certain je ne sais quoi, but fortunately that can be cleared up these days with antibiotics. But let's not denounce Boris's philandering merely on the grounds of his looks (though he does have that strangely repellent translucent marshmallow skin that is unique to a certain type of indoor-reared posh boy and which is so queasily redolent of milk-fed veal). Rather, it is his attitude that makes him sickening.

This is a man who thinks that rules are only for the little people – something that he presumably learned in the Bullingdon Club. A representative of modern London who jokes about "flag-waving piccaninnies" with "watermelon smiles". An ambassador for Britain who slouches through the Olympic handover ceremony, hands in pockets, ignoring the Beijing mayor. He was asked by officials to do up his jacket out of respect, he later bragged, but he thought, "sod it".

Last week, even Boris's friends called him "selfish, lazy and arrogant". They recall his tenuous grasp of the facts. They claim that he regards not behaving like a total scumbag as hopelessly bourgeois and gauche. What a guy to represent our capital city.

It is too late to elect anyone else as Mayor. It's too late for the Belgravia cuckold and the mop-haired child. It's too late for David Cameron (ha ha) to distance himself from his bad choice of chum. But if we don't wise up in 2012, the people of London are as dumb as all the women who fall for Boris's selfish charm. And I for one don't want another dose of his je ne sais quoi.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Head Chef

£22000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This Garden Centre complex base...

Recruitment Genius: Buyer

£36000 - £38000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Buyer is required to join thi...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + OTE £45K: SThree: SThree Group have been well esta...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + OTE £45000: SThree: SThree Group have been well es...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Between the covers: Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennet, opposite Colin Firth's Mr Darcy, in the acclaimed 1995 BBC adaptation of 'Pride and Prejudice'  

To talk about 'liking' a character may be a literary faux pas, but I don't care

Memphis Barker
Hinkley Point A to the right of development land where the reactors of Hinkley C nuclear power station are due to be built  

Should the UK really be putting its money into nuclear power in 2015?

Chris Green Chris Green
Turkey-Kurdish conflict: Obama's deal with Ankara is a betrayal of Syrian Kurds and may not even weaken Isis

US betrayal of old ally brings limited reward

Since the accord, the Turks have only waged war on Kurds while no US bomber has used Incirlik airbase, says Patrick Cockburn
VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but doubts linger over security

'A gift from Egypt to the rest of the world'

VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but is it really needed?
Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, applauds a man who clearly has more important things on his mind
The male menopause and intimations of mortality

Aches, pains and an inkling of mortality

So the male menopause is real, they say, but what would the Victorians, 'old' at 30, think of that, asks DJ Taylor
Man Booker Prize 2015: Anna Smaill - How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?

'How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?'

Man Booker Prize nominee Anna Smaill on the rise of Kiwi lit
Bettany Hughes interview: The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems

Bettany Hughes interview

The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems
Art of the state: Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China

Art of the state

Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China
Mildreds and Vanilla Black have given vegetarian food a makeover in new cookbooks

Vegetarian food gets a makeover

Long-time vegetarian Holly Williams tries to recreate some of the inventive recipes in Mildreds and Vanilla Black's new cookbooks
The haunting of Shirley Jackson: Was the gothic author's life really as bleak as her fiction?

The haunting of Shirley Jackson

Was the gothic author's life really as bleak as her fiction?
Bill Granger recipes: Heading off on holiday? Try out our chef's seaside-inspired dishes...

Bill Granger's seaside-inspired recipes

These dishes are so easy to make, our chef is almost embarrassed to call them recipes
Ashes 2015: Tourists are limp, leaderless and distinctly UnAustralian

Tourists are limp, leaderless and distinctly UnAustralian

A woefully out-of-form Michael Clarke embodies his team's fragile Ashes campaign, says Michael Calvin
Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza

Andrew Grice: Inside Westminster

Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza
HMS Victory: The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

Exclusive: David Keys reveals the research that finally explains why HMS Victory went down with the loss of 1,100 lives
Survivors of the Nagasaki atomic bomb attack: Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism

'I saw people so injured you couldn't tell if they were dead or alive'

Nagasaki survivors on why Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism
Jon Stewart: The voice of Democrats who felt Obama had failed to deliver on his 'Yes We Can' slogan, and the voter he tried hardest to keep onside

The voter Obama tried hardest to keep onside

Outgoing The Daily Show host, Jon Stewart, became the voice of Democrats who felt the President had failed to deliver on his ‘Yes We Can’ slogan. Tim Walker charts the ups and downs of their 10-year relationship on screen